AITA for wanting my engagement ring to not be my wedding ring after I get married?

A Redditor (F30) is engaged to her fiancée (M34), and while she appreciates the engagement ring passed down from his grandmother, she doesn’t want it to be her wedding ring. Despite initially agreeing to alterations, her fiancée changed his mind.

And now she is asking for a new wedding ring instead of wearing the engagement ring as her wedding ring. Her fiancée feels hurt, and she’s wondering if she’s being unreasonable for wanting a different wedding ring. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for wanting my engagement ring to not be my wedding ring after I get married?’

My fiancée (m34) proposed to me (f30) this year. We are very happy and excited for this next chapter in our lives. We plan on eloping next year. My engagement ring originally belonged to his grandmother. She’s almost 102 years old and was married for something like 50-60 years, so this ring has been around for generations.

It’s very small/dainty, and I had to have it resized. Before I went for the resizing, I asked my fiancée if he would mind if I made alterations to the ring so it would suit my taste better. He originally agreed to this and said I could do what made me happy.

While getting quotes from some jewelers, he changed his mind and said that he would prefer I keep the ring the way it is. I agreed to not alter it, but then asked him if he would be okay with me changing rings once we get married.

He told me that he assumed that my engagement ring would just end up being my wedding ring, and didn’t understand why I wanted a new one. I explained that while I am very honored to have his grandmothers ring, I still want to have a say and choice of the ring that I end up wearing.

He was hurt by that answer and we made up when I said that I would put more thought and consideration into the whole thing. My mother in law to be suggested that I just choose my own wedding band/ring to wear along with it, but I am not a big jewelry person in general and don’t want to wear two rings together.

I really don’t think I’m being selfish, like I said, I’m honored and grateful to be wearing something that has been in the family for such a long time and that holds a lot of meaning. I simply want to choose my own wedding ring. I still plan on keeping the engagement ring and intend to wear it as a necklace or something.. AITA?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Tdluxon −  INFO- I’m not an expert on jewelry, but don’t a lot of people get a different wedding ring than their engagement ring? But isn’t it just a plain band?

dazed1984 −  Why would he assume engagement ring would become your wedding ring? Wedding ring is typically a plain band so women have 2 rings he can’t not know that.

You have to wear the ring for life so it should be something you love, this is the problem with passing rings down, it’s a nice gesture but the chances of you having the exact same taste as the original own are slim. NTA.

Boring_Lab_3222 −  This post is confusing because the OP refuses to just say I don’t want this engagement ring and don’t want a wedding band. I just want a different engagement ring. She is trying to spin the whole new wedding ring which really isn’t a thing.

There is an engagement ring and a wedding band. She wants a new wedding ring (engagement ring) to replace this one. If they just had an honest conversation and she was truthful that she didn’t like this engagement ring and wanted a new one I think that would go over better than the play on words she is using right now.

AussieKoala-2795 −  My mum had three rings. Her fancy diamond engagement ring and a fancy wedding ring with diamonds inset into the band. She wore these rings on special occasions like to parties, weddings etc. Then she also had a plain gold wedding ring that she wore every day.

This was quite common in my culture (Australia) until the 1980s when married women were often housewives and did a lot of manual work as they didn’t want to lose the diamonds out of their special rings.

Appropriate_Art_3863 −  YTA-Just admit you don’t want the ring. It’s not your style and you don’t want to wear it. It’s sentimental to his family not to you. Better to be honest in starting your life with someone. 

Cangal39 −  YTA you shouldn’t have accepted that ring if you didn’t want to wear it as is. Why are you even getting it resized if you’re only going to put it on a necklace? Give it back to Grandma so another family member who actually likes it can have it.

Dizzy_Signature2273 −  I would say gentle YTA. An engagement ring is an important gift from one partner to the other, but it is just that, a gift. It is nice to consider your partners tastes before choosing a ring, but also just as important to love and accept the ring that has been given to you as a token of your partners love and commitment.

I know you don’t mean this, but it comes off as superficial that you are so concerned about the style of the ring (specifically that it is “dainty”). Also for wedding ring, are you talking about a wedding band or something that looks like another engagement ring?

In my experience, most people either wear a more simple wedding band or they stack the engagement ring and wedding band after they are married. It seems unusual to me to get something else with a large stone typical of an engagement ring for a wedding ring, but I know these kinds of things differ from place to place.

diabeticweird0 −  YTA (mild). You don’t like the ring. Grandma’s taste is different, that’s fine. Give it to someone else in the family. You want to wear it until you get married, then get the ring you actually like, and then what?

Display it at your house or something? Just like, keep it, because reasons? If everyone’s OK with you taking the stones out and having it reset, do that, but it sounds like they aren’t, so give it back and go get a ring you want

Holiday-Following489 −  YTA mother in law alr suggested something and you turned it down, I don’t get what you want. You say you don’t want 2 rings but then want to keep that ring but you don’t want to a wedding band so what do you want?

Scary_Inevitable379 −  YTA – I mean I get why your MIL and your husband wouldn’t want you to alter the ring. You not wanting to wear it can be interpreted as you not liking it. If you don’t like the style and cut, why not give it back?

That way you can get the wedding ring of your preference? It could start a new tradition, be an engagement ring for the new couple in the family. Because I do understand that a 60 year old ring may not be everyone’s preference. But that way it keeps the sentimental value and not just kept locked away.

Navigating family heirlooms and personal preferences can be tricky, especially when both partners feel strongly about their wishes. Do you think the Redditor should keep the engagement ring as her wedding ring, or is it understandable that she wants a new one to mark the next chapter? Share your thoughts below!