AITA Stepmom – POV needed please

One person from Reddit (stepmom, 30s) shares their struggle of adjusting to being a full-time stepmom. Their husband’s ex-partner recently checked into a mental health clinic, leaving their 7-year-old daughter with them for longer than expected.

The stepmom, who believes in rules and structure, is feeling overwhelmed by the child’s behavior and has asked her husband to figure out the situation so she can get a break. Is she wrong for wanting a break, or should she just handle the situation? Read the original story below…

‘ AITA Stepmom – POV needed please’

I need people’s opinion. I need to see the other side(s) here. I recently got married to my husband. He is a father to a 7 year old girl. My husband and his ex never really put rules and boundaries or routines in place for her. I am total opposite. I was raised with rules, boundaries, routines, respect, etc.

I help my siblings with their kids in that same manner. My stepdaughter is a very bratty kid, very defiant, disrespectful, and more. She only lives with us part time because my husband works 2nd shift. Almost two weeks ago, his ex lets him know that she is checking herself into a mental health clinic for depression for a week.

Which means the daughter will stay with us. No biggie. After a week and one day, my husband tells me he went to his ex’s house to grab more of his daughters stuff for school and that his ex was there. Now I’m confused because she said she was at the mental health clinic but shes home…why hasnt she come to het her daughter?

I have no problem being a stepmom. I knew what i was getting into when I married my husband. But last night I asked him to figure out what the situation was because i need a break from his daughter. I’ve become the default parent. His daughter is a lot to handle on my own (coming from someone who is not a mom) and its been almost two weeks now.

This was not “part of the plan” to have his daughter full time… so my question is I guess… am I the a**hole for telling my husband to figure out what is going on because I need a break from his daughter? Or do i just need to shut up and get over it..?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

[Reddit User] −  ESH. The mother for lying about why the kid needs to spend a week at her father’s. The father for making you be the default parent.
You for saying his daughter being there full time “was not the plan”.

You married a man with a kid. At anytime, for a lot of reasons, he could end having his daughter full time. Honestly, I get the feeling that nobody wanted that kid to begin with and I wonder why you married your husband if he’s such a s**tty father.

RoyallyOakie −  NTA…You cannot tell him how to raise his daughter, but you can put rules and boundaries on your involvement. If he is not there to care for his daughter, he has to make arrangements. A step-parent is not a default parent.

ChefKugeo −  Okay so, you’re YTA, but not for anything you’re doing. It’s the fact you married a man with a child and didn’t account for a situation where he’d gain full custody of his daughter. You say she’s too much to handle full time. You will get her by default if something happens to her mother.. Get used to her now.

growsonwalls −  YTA for saying you need a “break” from your stepdaughter. That’s not how it works. Even if you don’t have custody of her full-time, you married a man with a child.

You will never get a “break” from co-parenting in your life ever again. She could be married with kids of her own, but your husband will still be a parent and you’re going to have to find a way to co-parent in a healthy, respectful way.

LonelyOwl68 −  NTA. No, you do not need to just “shut up and get over it.” You and your husband absolutely HAVE to find out what is going on with his ex, and find out what her plans are (if she has any) about the custody arrangement, of which as of right now, she is in violation.

If she has mental health problems and doesn’t feel she can handle the custody arrangements as they are, you need to know that, so you and your husband can plan accordingly, and for his daughter to also know what will become of her.

If your husband’s ex doesn’t want to let you know exactly what the problem is, or even if she is capable of maintaining the custody agreement as is, then you (the two of you) need an attorney to legally change it so you all (you, husband, ex and, most of all, daughter) know where you are and what the future will be.

You say that you knew what you were getting into when you married your husband, but is that really so? I’m not casting stones, here, believe me, but when you marry a man with children, even if he has them only one weekend a month, say, you have to know that if something happens with the ex-wife, he will have to step up and take over custody.

For example, what would happen if his ex were badly injured in an auto crash and was unable to care for herself, much less her daughter? If it turns out that his ex is becoming less able to cope with her daughter and the custody arrangement is breaking down, that’s something that you will need to accept if you want to stay with your husband.

If that happens, his daughter isn’t at fault, and will badly need someone to be, as you call it, the “default parent.” Actually, if that does happen, it sounds like his daughter would be far better off in the long run with your parenting, without switching back and forth between two very different styles of parenting. which she is doing now.

You know she needs love and discipline, in equal measure, if possible, and it may be that she will end up with you a majority of the time from now on. Honestly, it may be the best that could happen for her, although it will probably mean a long and difficult time getting through the immediate future for you.

It’s possible, of course, that this is a temporary issue and will be resolved soon, without a lot of legal ramifications for anyone, but it is also possible you might end up being not the default parent, but the legal one as well.

terraformingearth −  ” I have no problem being a stepmom. I knew what i was getting into when I married my husband.” BUT: ” i need a break from his daughter.” “I knew what i was getting into when I married my husband.” BUT: My stepdaughter is a very bratty kid, very defiant, disrespectful, and more”
The things you say contradict each other.

If you knew what you were getting into, you certainly minimized it in your mind, or you wouldn’t have gone through with it. It is the fault of your husband and her mother that she is like this, she’s 7. Some serious family counseling needed here.

C_Majuscula −  ESH. It sounds like exwife lied to get some time to herself. Your husband should be doing most of the parenting, but isn’t and you think that marrying someone with a kid is going to have any sort of “plan.”

Exwife could die, your husband could die, become disabled, or continue to be a deadbeat and you should not have gotten married without thinking this all the way through.

tosser9212 −  Needing a break from a child that you’re not permitted to discipline and set appropriate boundaries for is understandable. In fact… not your kid, not your rules, not your responsibility. If hubby wants to work during his care time, he should be arranging carers. Even for a bratty seven year-old.. NTA

swishcandot −  Go stay with a friend. He can figure his new normal out, and you can decide if you want to stay together. NTA

RocketYapateer −  ESH. On dad: as a stepmom, you shouldn’t be doing the bulk of the parenting. He should. On you: you chose to marry a man with a child, so there was always a very real possibility he would end up as the primary parent. Anything can happen at any time.

Never marry a single parent on the assumption he or she will always have the kid only part time. I’m not going to pass judgment on mom, particularly. We don’t know what’s going on with her mental health situation, or what she may have communicated to her ex that he just didn’t communicate to you.

Being a stepmom can be challenging, especially when expectations shift unexpectedly. Is it wrong for the user to ask for a break after stepping into a full-time role unexpectedly, or is it part of the responsibility? How would you balance your role as a stepmom in this situation? Share your thoughts below!