AITA for not asking my sister if she was pregnant?

A Reddit user shares their complex family dynamics with a sister diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. When rumors of her third pregnancy surfaced through a Facebook comment.

The family discussed how to support her without confronting her directly. However, this led to a fiery backlash, with accusations of betrayal and verbal abuse. Was the user wrong for not addressing the rumor directly? Read the full story below:

‘ AITA for not asking my sister if she was pregnant?’

Backstory: My youngest sister, who often lashes out at my mother and has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, is pregnant with her third child. She’s a single mom with each child from a different father, frequently blocks us out, complains on Facebook about her life, and doesn’t pay full rent on an apartment she rents from our parents.

Years ago, she moved in under an agreement of no pets, but immediately brought in several animals, including large dogs, cats, and even chickens.
She often blames us for her struggles, holding onto resentment from her preteen years, when she struggled with being adopted.

I am nine years older and made decisions back then to protect her, but she saw them as betrayals. Despite her volatility, I love her. She’s talented, creative, and has a big heart for social justice.

We’ve had meaningful moments, but her relationships with biological family and others brought out an even more combative side. We’re mostly estranged, only seeing each other at holidays. She brings her kids to my parents’ house but ignores my invitations.

The Situation: Recently, friends told my mom about a comment my sister posted in a Facebook group, suggesting she was pregnant with her third child. A friend of mine saw the comment as well. Concerned, we discussed how to respond if true, how to support her, and what boundaries to maintain.

My mom, who already provides her with financial and emotional support, was panicked. Somehow, my sister found out we discussed this, likely from snooping on my mom’s computer, and exploded. She accused my mom of ruining everything, screaming at her in calls and messages.

She claimed she had told my mom the news in confidence (a lie) and blamed her for ruining the “surprise.” Our issue isn’t that she is upset about the pregnancy itself being discussed—it was about how she communicates with us, resorting to verbal abuse and accusations.

We apologized for hearing about it through rumours and empathized with her frustration, but her response was extreme. She expected us to ask her directly if she was pregnant if we thought she was, which we knew would lead to lashing out. Even now, she didn’t officially announced it to us, only our mom now, sending only accusations to us.

The Problem: It’s not that we discussed a rumour about a family member being pregnant—that’s normal in families, in our opinion. She says we are g**lighting her for saying this. The difference here is the context: her life is chaotic, this pregnancy is deeply concerning, and she publicly posted about it in a Facebook group.

The issue isn’t her being upset—it’s her hateful and a**sive way of handling conflict, blaming others, and refusing to see any perspective but her own. We can’t say half of this to her. My mom is starting to feel badly, my sister has made her cry. We say she shouldn’t. So the question is: is she right? Am I the a**hole for not asking her directly if she is pregnant?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Riyokosan −  NTA. You were discussing an hypothetical scenario behind closed doors, not in a public setting.

Kayaker170 −  NTA. If your sister truly has borderline personality disorder then there probably isn’t much to say that won’t make her angry. Have you read any books about BPD or dealing with a BPD family member?

LycheeFabulous6204 −  You are trying to reason with mentally ill person, officially diagnosed.  You are definitely kind and honorable soul, it shows in the way you talk about everyone involved. You need to find a way to disengage and save your own peace of mind. NTA

birthdayanon08 −  Wait. She brought chickens into an apartment? As a chicken owner, that alone makes her the a h.

pixie-ann −  NTA I strongly believe my sister has BPD (but it’s undiagnosed so completely untreated), and based on my experience with her, which sounds triggeringly similar (my whole body tensed up reading your story) to your story, you cannot win. It doesn’t matter what you do, it will be the wrong thing.

Your sister will always choose anger as a response and will invent reasons to do so. My heart was broken a hundred thousand times by my sister’s relentless fury and stunningly self-absorbed and selfish actions that hurt everyone in our family. I now have no contact at all with her and life is more peaceful.

DryPoetry6 −  NTA. At this point I wouldn’t even be INTERESTED whether she was pregnant. It sort of sounds like no matter when you ask, the answer would be yes. But whatever her good qualities, she’s happy to keep popping out babies for others to support.

k23_k23 −  NTa. Refuse to be drawn into this drama.

Xenoxity_0611 −  NTA. If she lashes out frequently, on the off chance she isn’t pregnant, She will be furious if you ask she is. My mom actually told a story that one time I was a toddler and asked a lady if she was pregnant, she was not happy. Never ask a woman if she’s pregnant, no matter who they are.

Family relationships can be incredibly challenging, especially with mental health dynamics at play. Do you think the user should have confronted their sister directly, or were they right to tread carefully, given her history? How would you navigate such a delicate situation? Share your thoughts below!