I (32F) read my (34M) fiancé’s personal texts with his best friend. How do I move on from this?

A Reddit user (32F) found herself spiraling after breaching her fiancé’s (34M) privacy and reading text messages he exchanged with his best friend, Mia. In these messages, she discovered that her fiancé had been venting about her insecurities and their relationship, even using derogatory terms like “this bitch” and making hurtful comments about their fights.

Despite being loving and supportive to her face, his conversations with Mia painted a different picture. The user is now questioning whether her fiancé genuinely wants to marry her and if his behavior is normal in relationships, especially when venting to close friends.

‘ I (32F) read my (34M) fiancé’s personal texts with his best friend. How do I move on from this?’

I know, no excuses, I breached his personal space, I fucked up. Now I might be spiralling. I don’t know how to feel and what to do. After lunch, he and I had our usual chats so I took the chance to ask him about something. I told him that I saw him paying extra attention to someone I’m close to.

While she was over, I saw him observing her for quite a while and so I asked him if there was anything there for him. Mind you, I asked him calmly and in the best way I can without it sounding like he did anything wrong. I genuinely wanted to know what he had in his mind.

He said he didn’t even realise he was doing that and apologised and we just sorta finished talking about it. I’m usually the type of person who’s always trusted their gut feeling so I felt like something was off with him after that conversation. I don’t know what led me to do it. Deep insecurities or just distrust or both?

When he went out, I looked at his messages on his laptop. I needed to know if somehow there’s something he’s not telling me. I decided to open the chat with his bf (best friend), and now I can’t unread it all. His bf, let’s call her Mia, apparently deeply dislikes me. We’ve never met so she’s only got stories from him to go by making an impression of me.

I feel like I’ve either been living a lie or have been delusional this whole time because she seems to think I’m making his life harder for him and what hurt the most was that he seems to be the one fuelling it. I get her anger, if I was told by my best friend that she was mistreated, taken for granted or unappreciated, I’d be angry too.

My fiancé and I have had our fights, yes. And part due to my insecurities. I’ve been vulnerable and up front with him when I stray into those dark places. I know I’m not an easy person to love. That’s always been with me, so when I met him, I really thought and still do think, he’s my person. But everything I read hurt so much.

He’d tell Mia things like “I almost stole someone’s girlfriend”, “I’m such a whore”, “she’s insecure again” this was after I told him jokingly “don’t cheat on me” when he went out to the club and I stayed in. And scrolling further I found him venting to Mia about a fight we had with him saying “this b**ch is insecure again”.

It shocked the living hell out of me, cause i recall that fight. To my face he presented himself to be calm and forgiving, but when he’s describing it to Mia, it’s something totally different with him even saying “I just need to survive until the end”.

I didn’t see one exchange where he said nice things about our relationship, to be fair they call sometimes too and exchange voice notes but as far as the texts are concerned, nothing nice about us at all. I feel like I lived a totally different reality to what he lived. I felt loved, I felt joy.

Asides from those rare fights, we really do lean and support one another. I want to marry him one day. But does he feel the same? With me he is so loving and caring, more than anything I could ever ask for but how he’s venting off about our fights and how he’s not even once defended me when Mia speaks so ill about me… is this really the kind of man who wants to marry me?

I know I won’t get sympathy, and really I’m not asking for it. But please tell me, is this normal for people to do? Those who love your partners to bits, do you vent about them like this to close friends? I just need to know.

See what others had to share with OP:

No_Jaguar67 −  He needs to put up with it until the end? Is he using you financially? When is yalls lease up?

CordeliaJJ −  I wouldn’t ever let him know that I read those. Full stop. Don’t reveal it ever. What you need to do is start preparing for the end. Get all your ducks in a row, tell him you fell out of love and d**p him. End it there. Keep it clean, simple, and then move on. Don’t waste anymore energy or love on this.

Wanderful-Woman −  Please get your ducks in a row and leave. None of this is normal. It’s one thing to vent to a friend- it’s another thing to lie and say only negative things about your partner. This man does not love or respect you.

Between that and the wandering eye you need to leave. Please don’t tell him what you read. Just tell him that you no longer love him. And then get into therapy for your insecurity issues.

rozlinski −  I’m sorry that happened, but really it’s a godsend, hon. Start making your plan to get out. You do not ever want to marry someone who speaks that way about you behind your back. This will never be a relationship where he respects you because he already holds you in contempt.

Make your plan, get your stuff together, and d**p him. do not reveal what you know, and don’t reveal that you’ve read what he said to his so-called best friend. Just collect your self-respect and your belongings and separate as quickly as you can.

noteasytobecheesy −  This is a complete breach of trust (not what you did, what he did) and a deal breaker. You did not live a different reality. You live(d) with a person who consciously creates two different realities based on what serves him – in front of Mia he paints himself as the victim, in front of you he puts up the mature and forgiving act.

I’d be very weary of starting a family with such a person. If he’s putting you down as his fiancee, you can be certain he will put you down as a wife and as a mother. Are you prepared for that to be your life?

Chuck60s −  No one in a true partnership would ever vent to someone the things he did, especially to another woman. What he did crossed too many boundaries to ever come back from. From experience, this hurt doesn’t go away, and the trust is permanently shattered.

Once you realize your own worth is so much more valuable to the right partner, you’ll find peace.. I wish you all the best

cdogandru −  I feel like people are minising this, I don’t think it’s ok at all, he’s basically being dishonest to you. This would be enough for me to leave – especially as he’s already anticipating it ending. He sees no future otherwise he wouldn’t say survive until it’s over.

ktizzy02 −  you are not wrong. i agree it was a breach of trust to read the messages but since you did let’s unpack. first of all your financé is wrong for speaking about you like that to his best friend. there is nothing wrong w venting to close friends about relationships bc we all need outlets. but it becomes a huge issue when he starts allowing the disrespect.

if they are comfortable enough to speak like that through text imagine what they can say in person. since you all aren’t married yet i think you should ask you yourself do you wanna be the 2nd woman to your husband. because it’s obvious his best friend had his heart.

Ok_Introduction9466 −  I caught my ex doing this to me right after we had a baby and I left him on the spot. It made his f**king head spin. You only go into the phone when you need confirmation and validation in leaving. You found what you needed to find so end it. You don’t even have to tell him why, get your things and go.

He’s just going to lie if you confront him or flip it on you for violating his trust. You were just trusting a gut feeling and he proved you right. He’s been betraying you in a really s**tty way and you also have to ask why he wants his loved ones to hate you. That’s a dangerous situation to be in and mainly why I left my own partner over it.

If he begins to abuse you someday and you speak out for help no one will believe you because he’s primed the people around you to believe you’re awful even when you’re not. Get out of there and don’t marry him. Seriously cut your losses he is a f**king weirdo. I’m sorry this happened. You deserve better than this.