UPDATE: How do I (31f) tell my close friend (35f) that her “adult only” parties are offending people?

A woman shared a heartfelt update about addressing a tense situation with her friend, Katie, who hosted a party with the expectation that her friends would bond exclusively with her children. Katie’s actions caused frustration within the group, but after a candid conversation, the user gained insight into Katie’s perspective.

Katie revealed her fears about her children’s future, given their lack of extended family, and acknowledged her misguided approach. Their discussion ended on a hopeful note, with Katie promising to foster inclusivity and work on her behavior in therapy.

‘ UPDATE: How do I (31f) tell my close friend (35f) that her “adult only” parties are offending people?’

Hi, everyone. I never expected so much interest in this situation, but it’s validating to know others found it as strange as I did. I waited until the kids were back in school to address it in person, but someone else brought it up to her first. She eagerly told me that people were upset but claimed not to understand why. I’ll call her Katie.

After talking, I got a sense of her perspective, though I don’t agree with it. Katie felt bad that her daughter wasn’t getting enough attention from our group during a recent gathering. She wanted her kids to form stronger bonds with us, their “aunts,” since her family situation is unique:

she and her husband are only children, and their parents have passed away. Her kids don’t have biological family, and she worries about their future if something happens to her. Her solution was to have us spend time with her kids without ours, assuming our kids already have family bonds.

She believed we wouldn’t mind, especially since she paid for the food and drinks, which she felt outweighed any babysitting costs. Essentially, she thought hosting expensive parties gave her the right to dictate how they unfolded.

I explained this mindset won’t sustain friendships. Deception and strings attached to generosity only push people away. If she wants stronger bonds, she needs to love and include our kids too, not expect us to prioritize hers over our own. True family isn’t about exclusion—it’s about mutual care.

Katie admitted her struggles with empathy, shaped by her upbringing as a wealthy only child, and acknowledged she’s working on it in therapy. She cried while discussing her fears for her kids and her parents’ passing, and I’m glad I didn’t confront her at the party, as others suggested.

In the end, she seemed to understand the need to change her approach. She expressed love for my child and reiterated how much her kids love me. We hugged, and she promised to do something nice for everyone and their kids. It was emotional, but I feel we’re still friends, and she’s willing to work on this. Thanks for your support—it helped me stand my ground!

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

GoldenDragon001 −  Glad your conversation went well. Your friend did need an outlook from a different perspective, which is great for her own social and mental growth. 

heavy-hands −  This level of cluelessness is kind of astounding tbh. I’m glad you talked it out but I have so many friends who grew up without siblings and yet still manage to grasp how things work for people with different circumstances. I can’t imagine getting this far into adulthood and still having no understanding of basic familial relationships and concepts.

OscillatingFox −  I suspect you’ll find this won’t go away. I had a friend who was under the impression that I should spend time with her kid but she should never have to see mine. We aren’t friends any more. That she could think a bunch of adults with their own children would be delighted to spend their free time with her children only,

and even pay to do so, is absolutely warped. It’s not naive or the result of being an only child, it’s just profoundly, extraordinarily self centred. It would be nice if she could deal with this in therapy but she’s 35 so don’t hold your breath.

[Reddit User] −  Funny that she was an only child and she thinks the only way her kid can get attention is if it is the only one in the room. She’s hurting the kids social skills.

FliaTia −  Wow… the nicest possible description of this woman is “f**king clueless.” Good luck with this friendship, I can’t imagine the level of emotional labor that most go into maintaining it, if this lady is that baffled by some pretty basic concepts of empathy.

Moonlight1992xd −  Just here to make one point: “Lastly, she is rich and did grow up rich and as the only child she admits that she struggles to see things from other perspectives or to consider other’s feelings and she has to make a conscience attempt to really see outside of her own wants and needs.”

I also grew up being an only child and while not rich, certainly privileged and so did a lot of my friends.. The fact that she had tons of money and no siblings has NOTHING to do with her lack of common sense and basic empathy and quite frankly lack of social awareness and grit with reality. From wherever she got that flaw is defo. Not from being an only child.

Token_or_TolkienuPOS −  So did she forgive the other friend who called her out before you? She just sounds pretty selfish to me. People must abandon their own kids and come shower hers with love, time, and attention and do it with a smile because they’re getting expensive hors d’oeuvres? What a load of s**t

tehsamm −  This is probably a feeling I’m getting from my own personal biases but this just sounds like she’s being m**ipulative. Obviously I’d wait to see if this trend continues before coming to this conclusion. I find it difficult to believe anyone can be this level of clueless.

Getting upset because your friend was dealing with her own child and not dropping everything to speak with “Kate’s” child really rubs me the wrong way. I will say I appreciate that you both had good communication regarding the issue and I hope to see it work out in the end.

fit_it −  I’m glad your friend is experiencing growth, and overall this is optimistic! I will say this though: as the only child she admits that she struggles to see things from other perspectives or to consider other’s feelings and she has to make a conscience attempt to really see outside of her own wants and needs.

Both my husband and I are only children. My husband is NC with his parents for reasons I totally agree with. I am the child of a single-by-choice mom, and she lives on the other side of the country. We see her maybe once a year. My entire extended family is MAGA and I am very low contact with them.

We had *very* different upbringings, with my husband going to an incredibly expensive private K-12, and he has a PhD. I went to a public school in Los Angeles and only have a bachelors. I only give this background to drive the point home that neither of us struggle with empathizing with other people, and it’s not due to our parents doing anything similar.

I suspect she is blaming her being an only child because she doesn’t want to or can’t bring herself to dig into the actual cause of her problems. It sounds like maybe she has some narcissistic tendencies, which you may want to keep an eye out for. It does sound like she’s working on it so y’know, you know best here.

Last thing: We have the same goal with our friends and our child – we want to build a family for her, since our “factory setting” families did not work out well for us. We have never even considered the idea of excluding other children,

because part of our goal is not just aunts and uncles and maybe a grandparent or two, but also ***cousins***! Maybe you could bring that up to your friend to get her a bit more enthusiastic about having the other kids around?

Scary-Cycle1508 −  What a stupid way of thinking. I am sorry but there are a lot of people who lost their families early, and do not just expect their friends to IGNORE THEIR OWN KIDS in favour of theirs. Did you ask if she would ignore her own children when yours were present? if not, then why does she expect other parents to do the same.