My (23F) partner (24M) of 2 years thinks I betrayed him because I messaged a woman he was texting. Do I deserve this?

A young woman, 23, is grappling with the fallout after messaging her boyfriend’s coworker, whom he had been texting in a way that made her uncomfortable. Her boyfriend, 24, now feels betrayed and is questioning their future together, treating her actions as a serious breach of trust. She seeks clarity on whether she overstepped and how to repair the relationship. Read the full story below:

‘ My (23F) partner (24M) of 2 years thinks I betrayed him because I messaged a woman he was texting. Do I deserve this? ‘

Basically, my bf (24M) got me (23F) a new phone a few weeks ago. It’s the exact same phone he has. I kept mistaking my phone for his and his phone for mine the first 3 or 4 days. Well, on one of those days shortly after I got the phone, I woke up at 5 AM to tens to barn animals. I accidentally grabbed his phone.

I clicked a notification for a msg and read it. Once I read it, I realized I had his phone. But the message I read concerned me. It was with a woman coworker (20F) he has, and it was a long the lines of “I really wish I could’ve said happy thanksgiving to you in person.” That alarmed me, so, shamefully, I read threw a lot of their messages.

A lot of them were upsetting. Nothing downright flirtatious, but memes about flirting, a kissy emoji, complimenting her eyes… General texts that are eerily similar to ones I would receive. I confessed immediately and asked him what his relationship to her was. He assured me immediately that it was just him being friendly, that she was like a sister to him, etc.

He then said he wouldn’t talk to her outside of work anymore, but he requested that he is allowed to tell her exactly why they can’t talk. Because of me.
It obviously made me horrendously insecure, and then I felt guilty for taking away a friendship from him and being made out like a villain. I decided in the heat of the moment that I’d just message her.

I explained what happened, I explained that she is gorgeous and that it just made me feel so uncomfortable. I explained that he told me nothing was going on, but I just wanted to clear the air and not come across like a devil. It wasn’t right of me to message her. When he found out about it, he was pissed.

He said I lost all his trust, that I went behind his back, that I threatened his standing and reputation at his workplace. He stopped talking to me for 4 days straight. Now he’s treating me like I’m on probation. Every little wrong I do he seems to be tallying up. He just says, “good to know”. Then moves on.

He straight up told me he isn’t sure anymore about marrying me because I messaged her. The question and advice I want is: did I really s**ew up that bad? I regret messaging her, because it wasn’t my right to, but to downright say he doesn’t trust me anymore because of it and he isn’t sure about marriage anymore feels so much like overkill.

I’m hurting too. Reading those messages wrecked my self esteem and I still don’t feel pretty or special anymore. Did I really s**ew up that bad? What can I do to fix it? I’ve already apologized to her. I just don’t know. He is counting absolutely every small mistake against me. Do I deserve this?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

agirlsknowsthings −  Babe you think memes about flirting, kissy emojis and complimenting her eyes aren’t flirting? What would he have to do? Ask her on a date or kiss her? He’s already emotionally cheating. He isn’t sure about you because he was planning on cheating and you probably ruined that for him by contacting her.

He probably told her you guys were having problems and he was planning on leaving you or had already broken up with you. You ruin that for him by contacting her. Why would you want to marry someone that you can’t trust?. Edit: Thank you so much for the awards! 🥹

back_hoe_fo_sho −  I think either they’re already more than friends or he/they want to be.

kdawg09 −  If my husband went around telling my SIL she has pretty eyes and they were texting 😘 to each other I’d be pretty grossed out. Those are some weird texts for “like a sister”. Your partner is using DARVO to turn things around on you. He’s probably mad because you messaging her ruined his lies to her that he was single and now he has to find someone else to cheat with.

Waste_Profit_9446 −  Bro this is so obvious . He is g**lighting you . He legit was basically cheating on you with those messages . Kissy faces and saying she has pretty eyes ? Please read what you wrote out . That’s not acceptable what he did and the fact that he is trying to punish you is truly the insane part . Please break up .

panic_bread −  Why would you want to continue a relationship with this lying, m**ipulative man? Why are you taking all the guilt and blame for what he did? Where is your self-esteem?

HoshiJones −  Sounds to me like he’s cheating. He turned it around on you to take the heat off him.

Cinnamon0480 −  No. He’s actively flirting with her and is pissed and does DARVO because you just ruined his f**king game.

EssentiallyEss −  Uhhh… he’s not sure about marrying you when YOU should be unsure of marrying him. This is a classic turn around. He was doing something wrong so he: denies that he really was doing anything wrong at all,

makes sure you know he’s sacrificing something on your behalf so you’ll feel guilty about raising the subject at all, and when you reach out to his near-AP, HOW VERY DARE YOU!?? Do NOT take the bait. He needs to own up to HIS behavior. Or you walk away.

TweedleDumDumDahDum −  He said he would handle it and him handling it would probably be changing her name to a guys name so you wouldn’t see it, or whatever. He absolutely wasn’t going to handle it. It is okay so not be thrilled that he’s on some b**lshit. He was already flirting with her, he’s disrespecting your relationship at the very least, and honestly I’d consider moving on.

Sluggurl420 −  Post like these are depressing

This story underscores the complexities of trust and communication in a relationship. Was her decision to message the coworker an overstep, or a justified reaction to feeling insecure? Is her boyfriend’s response proportionate, or is he deflecting blame for questionable behavior? How would you navigate this delicate situation? Share your thoughts below!