How do I (31F) handle my awful SIL (33F) at my boyfriend (30M)’s family Christmas?

A 31-year-old woman is struggling with her boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend (SIL), Kelly, who has a history of making inappropriate comments and taking advantage of her boyfriend’s generosity. Despite setting a gift budget for Christmas, Kelly demanded a more expensive gift, calling James selfish and greedy when he refused.

James ultimately gave in to avoid conflict with her, but the woman is furious and worried about her continued behavior. She seeks advice on how to handle the situation during the upcoming family Christmas celebration without causing a scene. Read the full story below.

‘ How do I (31F) handle my awful SIL (33F) at my boyfriend (30M)’s family Christmas?’

My (31F) boyfriend (30M) and I have been together for three years. We have gotten to know each other’s families quite well as we live nearby and can visit often. I love my boyfriend’s family, except his brother’s (33M) long-term girlfriend (33F). Called her SIL for simplicity in the title. Let’s call my boyfriend James, his brother will be Mike, and his brother’s girlfriend Kelly.

Kelly and Mike have been dating for five and a half years. I truly believe she is well-intentioned, but oh my god, she’s freaking terrible to be around! I get along with almost everyone I meet, but being around her actively makes feel like I’m losing brain cells.

We are polar opposites, but that’s not why she’s terrible. She makes wildly inappropriate comments to everyone around her, has no sense of self-awareness, and thinks the world owes her something.

Kelly and Mike are not in a good financial position. Kelly is unable to work because of her traumatic childhood and Mike works 50+ hours/week in construction. He busts his b**t to provide for them, and she spends her days at the local bar with the local riff-raff then complains about not being able to afford to buy a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom home on several acres of land in our HCOL state.

For Christmas, my boyfriend’s parents are hosting celebrations and we are doing a small gift exchange with a max budget of $10/person and then everyone drew a name from a hat and we get that person one gift of up to $50. Total spend is $100 each. So, everyone gets one “big gift” and a couple of small things.

At first, we had no budget but Mike was concerned about being able to participate so we set a budget and James slipped Mike $200 so he wouldn’t have to worry about it. It’s not secret santa, so everyone knows who drew which name.

James drew Kelly’s name, and immediately she started sending him links to things that were $100+ for him to get her. He reminded her of the budget that we set (to benefit them) and she said “You can afford it, these are the only things I want.” and made it worse by saying “Mike drew your name, and we’re getting you something nicer than $50” I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that she may not know James gave Mike the $200 to help them out.

She hounded James about it being unfair that they suffer while we have “so much” so clearly he can afford to get her a nicer gift. Both James and I are very comfortable, but we’ve both worked hard for everything we have.

She insulted him, called him greedy, told him that he’s selfish and only cares about himself and the fancy life he lives with me, and that Mike and her resent him for abandoning them. James is the kind of person who would give his last dollar away, the shoes off his feet in a snow storm, and who acts tough but is actually just a big softy.

A lot of people take advantage of that. And he caved. He got her the fancy over-budget gift. James and Mike’s parents just kind of roll their eyes at her when she makes weird inappropriate comments, and their mom has confided in me that she’s “happy at least James picked a normal one” and that she’s glad she doesn’t have to take care of both of her sons into adulthood. They are completely unaware of what’s happened behind the scenes between Kelly and James.

I’m not afraid of confrontation, but don’t want to ruin Christmas by losing my s**t at her. She’s bound to say something or do something because she always does, and I really don’t know if I can bite my tongue much longer. I am FURIOUS at her. I feel like I’m going to explode if she makes one off-handed comment or snide remark, that I’m betting it’ll only take 20 minutes for her to say something stupid.

It’s not about the gift. We don’t care about the money. To me, this is icing on the cake of her already poor behaviour. To James, it’s just another thing he wants to let slide because he loves his brother and it makes Mike’s life easier if Kelly is happy and not complaining. How can I navigate this and stop her from taking advantage of James in the future? Talking to her rationally is futile, James did try that and that’s how we’re here.

Edit: Thank you all for the comments. I am going to push pause on this account until after the holidays and will post an update if anything interesting happens. I’ve decided to go into this armed with a couple of the quick and simple responses that people have suggested in here.

My favorites are “Wow, what an inappropriate comment” or “I can’t believe you said that out loud.” James and I will chat too after the holidays. I agree he needs to set better boundaries, but we can have that conversation privately after the chaos of Christmas.. Happy holidays all!

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Jen5872 −  Whenever she says something stupid reply with a simple  “What an odd thing to say” and walk away. You can omit the odd part when it doesn’t fit the statement. 

WorstDeal −  “Kelly is unable to work because of her traumatic childhood” is the most biggest bullshittiest excuse I have ever heard

Dont139 −  Return her gift and buy her a gift within the price range. If she throws a tantrum, just say “the budget was for everyone, and placed specifically so that nobody would throw a tantrum”. Stop being silent like that (you and James). Tell James to tell his brother what Kelly said about the gift and how Mile supposedly resents you 2.

When she says something inappropriate, say “that’s insensitive/weird/ill-advised to say”. Just because she is dumb like a rock doesn’t mean you should let her b**ly James around.

And given how she’s acting, i think you are too kind with giving her the benefit of the doubt when it comes to being well intentioned. I think she just does not care about how other feels, what matters is how she feels

matteblackmelz −  Honestly, I would have cut right in and say, “No, James and I are sticking to the budget. Keep it up and you get nothing.”

Competitive-Place280 −  Your boyfriend shouldn’t have caved. What will he do when he marries you? Will SIL continue to get her way?

Natural_Lifeguard_44 −  I’m sorry, she doesn’t work because of a traumatic childhood? My husband and I both carry a lot of trauma for the worst reasons you can imagine and we both work. I think you have our permission to say something.

JanetInSpain −  “Kelly is unable to work because of her traumatic childhood”. First, I call b**lshit on this. I know people who had truly horrific childhoods and they manage to work.

She’s just f**king lazy. As for Christmas, always confront someone like this with a WHY question that fits the scenario. A WHY question throws the ball back in their court and forces them to justify or explain their s**tty comment.. Just tossing out some example:

* Why do you believe James owed you a gift above the maximum budget?

* Why do you think you are the only one who deserves a more expensive gift?

* Why do you spend all day in the bar when Mike works so hard for money?

* Why do you think your childhood trauma prevents you from working when millions of people with equally bad childhoods managed to find a place to work? Pick a WHY question that fits. Say it then just stare at her. Don’t say anything else.. updateme!

W_O_M_B_A_T −  Grey Rock Method. She’ll say some annoying and unpleasant s**t. Youll be irritated. Ignore her existence like you’d ignore flies buzzing around your backyard.

MadInk25 −  She can’t work because of her traumatic childhood? We can do that? That’s a reason? I thought that was an excuse? An unacceptable one at that.

Throwra98787564 −  You and James should get on the same page, that’s your real problem. He doesn’t mind her behavior and sees doing nice things for her as doing something nice for his brother. You do not want him being nice to her, until she changes her behavior. Is this something James might agree on?

Is there room for the two of you to compromise? In the end, if James doesn’t care, then you can’t force him to care. If nothing else, maybe you two can come up with a plan for what you can do if Kelly bothers you on Christmas.

Dealing with manipulative people in family settings can be difficult, especially when you’re trying to keep the peace. Have you experienced a similar situation? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts below!