AITA for leaving my Mom’s place after seeing how messy it was?

A Reddit user reflects on their strained relationship with their mother’s hoarding habits, which resurfaced during a holiday visit. After seeing her new apartment in the same chaotic state as their childhood home, they walked out without saying anything and stayed elsewhere, leaving communication at a standstill.

‘ AITA for leaving my Mom’s place after seeing how messy it was?’

Growing up, our house was always messy, as my mom has a hoarding problem. There were always cardboard boxes in the living room, junk everywhere, and dishes in the sink. Over time as I grew up, I realized this isn’t normal, especially as I inherited these ha its which lead to roommate conflict (me being messy) when I went to college, habits I’m actively trying to correct.

That being said, my mom just moved from a 3 bed down to a 1 bed apartment, now that my sister and I have moved to college. I was thinking this would be a great idea, a chance for her to start fresh. I wasn’t going to fly home for Thanksgiving originally, but she told me that she needed help moving, so I came. That week was hell. My room had became a storage unit for the past few years since I left, filled to the brim with random boxes of junk.

The garage was even worse as we had to rent a uhaul and drive it to the dumpster four times to throw away boxes of papers from 20 years ago, broken furniture, and random junk. It was a constant fight of me convincing her she doesn’t need all this and we have to throw it away. We ended up running out of time to finish it all before I had to leave, but made enough progress that I figured she would be alright.

We got everything she was going to keep all ready in the new place, set up the furniture, but left a few boxes left she needed to unpack. The main thing left to do was clean out the old garage and throw all that into the d**p. She promised that when I got back, the apartment is gonna look great as we spent so much time talking about where furniture would be, decorating the walls, and all.

Fast forward, I come home for Christmas, she picks me up from the airport with my bag and get home. Holy. S**t. It was just like the old house. Filled with s**t from the garage to the brim. There are pathways that go from the door to each room, everywhere else is filled. Kitchen is n**ty. Smells like dog pee.

I couldn’t handle it, and walked out immediatly without saying anything. Had a drink at a bar down the street, called my gf, and went back just to grab my bag after she fell asleep, and drove to my Dad’s to stay there. Haven’t spoken to her since and I’m not sure when I’m planning on it.

My whole childhood I rarely had friends over. We rarely held family events. Living in that mess really messed with my mental state more than I realized at the time. Because of this, I tend to be messier than average, but am doing every possible thing in my power to not be like her. Whenever I visit home for the past few years since I moved away, I never spent the night there because of this. AITA for leaving without saying anything?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

fiestafan73 −  NTA. Your mother has a mental illness and you cannot fix it for her, but you can refuse to put yourself in that chaos. I was married for years to someone like your mother. When I finally divorced him and moved into a nicer space, I find that my mental health is so much better. Being around that kind of disaster makes you feel powerless and depressed, not to mention ashamed. Practicing better habits so you don’t go down that road is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

starbaby87 −  NTA, there’s nothing else you can do until she decides that she’s done hoarding. She probably needs to see someone who specialises in the therapy for hoarding disorder, but again, that won’t work until she’s ready for that kind of help.

Individual_Metal_983 −  Hoarding is a mental illness and your mother is mentally ill. It is not something to be fixed by a house move. My mother in law was a hoarder. Not as bad as some. But the house was filled with newspapers. Stuff she bought off the internet. Her son’s cot and high chair – she was well into her 70s and not going to have any more kids and I assured her we didn’t want it.. Every item was a battle. NTA – you don’t have to live in squalor.

jennyfromtheeblock −  You are NTA. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Whatever happens, just remember that you can’t fix her problems. Your mom needs serious therapy. You don’t have to feel guilty for not wanting to subject yourself to a horrible environment, even if you love your mom.

4TheLonghaul731 −  NTA. My mom is a major hoarder. I once spent 6 months cleaning out her house and making/paying for repairs to all the damage. She thanked me by immediately bringing in more items to hoard. Explain to your mom that you left without saying anything because you didn’t want to make an awful situation worse by having a big argument over it. Tell her you love her, but not the way she lives, and expects you to live, when you visit.

This is a mental disorder, and the hoarder has to want to get better to overcome it. My mom refused to seek counseling. I have told her I will clean her place out when she dies, but I won’t waste any more time on it now. If you aren’t in counseling now, I recommend you try it to deal with your own issues. I am lucky not to be a hoarder myself, but my siblings all have that tendency.

HinataBoo_ −  NTA. It’s super tough to deal with that kind of environment, especially when it starts affecting your own habits and mental health. You went back expecting a fresh start and walked into a repeat of your childhood. While it might have been better to communicate a bit more before bailing, it’s understandable why you’d need to remove yourself from that situation immediately. It’s okay to put your well-being first, and maybe this will be a wake-up call for your mom to seek some help.

EmilyAnne1170 −  NTA for leaving, but send her a text or something (something where you don’t have to talk to her if you don’t want to) just saying that you’re okay. Just disappearing without a trace isn’t great. Especially since she isn’t doing this to hurt you, even though it must be upsetting that all the hard work you did helping her has apparently gone to waste.

RandoGenericUserName −  NTA, at all. My mom was a messy hoarder as well. Not to the degree that is sounds like your mom is, but growing up, our house was disgusting. She didn’t housebreak any of the insane number of pets we had and she smoked in the house all the time. Once I was old enough to understand how gross it all was, I was embarrassed to bring my friends around. Unfortunately, like you, growing up like that turned me into a messy person too.

Once I got married and moved out, some of those habits persisted until I realized how much being messy impacted my life. Now, I can’t stand messes and chaos and because I keep everything clean, I find my mind is much clearer and I am much calmer. All of this is a long way of saying keep working on changing those old habits, I promise you it is worth it.

OwlUnique8712 −  NTA- you need to contact adult protective services for your mom. They will step in to help. A lot of older people do hoard she has been doing it all your life so she definitely needs help. But you can look it up because that is an issue they will help with. Her hoard is a danger to herself and the actual property she lives in. Good luck.

dropthepencil −  I consider myself a functioning, rational adult. But sometimes my brain likes to interfere and tells me I’m not, and I’m a failure, and this won’t work, and if I do x, I’ll fail, but if I don’t do x I’ll fail. Blah, blah, blah. I’m not a hoarder. But knowing that my brain sets me up to fail now and again, it helps me to understand what I assume to be the screaming agony (irrational though it is) your mom and others hear in their brains. But all other posters are correct. It’s not your problem to solve. Or manage. Be compassionate. This is all.