Boyfriend (22M) says me (21F) not taking his last name is a dealbreaker. Do I stand up for myself and risk breaking up, or give in to keep the peace?

A 21-year-old woman (21F) has been in a four-year relationship with her boyfriend (22M) who recently revealed that he considers it a dealbreaker if she doesn’t take his last name after marriage. Although she loves him deeply, she feels upset that he values this tradition more than their relationship, especially since she prefers keeping her own last name or coming up with a compromise. She’s torn between standing up for herself or giving in to avoid conflict. Read the full story below.

‘ Boyfriend (22M) says me (21F) not taking his last name is a dealbreaker. Do I stand up for myself and risk breaking up, or give in to keep the peace?’

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, and lived together for about 2. He really is my best friend. We’ve always gotten along very well, and rarely argue. A few months ago we were talking with some friends and the topic of surnames and marriage came up. We’ve talked about this before, and I’ve always said I wouldn’t want to take a man’s last name. I’d much prefer keeping my own or coming up with some sort of compromise.

Later, when we got home, he told me that not taking his last name would be a dealbreaker in the relationship. I was pretty taken aback by this, as he’d never mentioned this previously. He told me he’s always felt this way, but just didn’t want to bring it up. He said ever since he was a kid he’s imagined his wife taking his last name, and that it’s very important to him.

This has all left me very confused. I love him so much, and I would absolutely change my last name for him, but the more I think about it, the more upset I am that this is worth more to him then our entire relationship. I feel like he wouldn’t make the same sacrifice for me, if that makes sense.

This topic hasn’t come up since, and he’s been pretty dismissive when I try to bring it up. This has been bothering me for months and I don’t know what to do. He’s always been very reasonable, do I wait and hope he changes his mind? Is it worth risking a 4 year relationship to stand up for myself over something trivial?

TLDR: Boyfriend says not taking his last name is a dealbreaker for him, and only decided to tell me this 4 years in. I feel like our relationship doesn’t mean as much to him, given that he’s willing to end things over this.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

BreqsCousin −  I think that *even if I wanted to change my name* I would want to marry a man who wanted me to make the choice freely, not a man who would leave me if I didn’t do it.

citrushibiscus −  He told me he’s always felt this way, but just didn’t want to bring it up. Well that’s on him, and it says a lot about him. You need good communication for a healthy relationship, and if it’s truly a dealbreaker he needs to bring that up very early on. Same for you.

Even if I personally think this is a hill he shouldn’t die over, he clearly disagrees and has issued you an ultimatum: stay and take his name if you marry, or leave and find a relationship that better suits you.

If I were you, I’d carefully review this relationship with a more critical eye on whether it’s healthy, stable, and loving enough to be worth giving in. it’s a pain to legally change your name, and marriage is also a legal contract first and foremost. Don’t forget that.

prettymiz −  I don’t like the manipulation. He didn’t “want to bring it up,” because he wanted you to be in too deep before he did. He knew what you wanted, and he knew he was planning on making you give that up. The conflicted feeling you have now was his intended result. “If I wait a few years, she’ll be too invested and give in to my expectation.”

Who knows what other dealbreakers he just “doesn’t want to bring up” right now? You’ll be days into your honeymoon, finding out a wife who doesn’t do all the domestic labour is a dealbreaker. In the maternity ward finding out he doesn’t approve of epidurals? Or two weeks postpartum when you find out that suddenly a working mom is a deal breaker?

And now he doesn’t want to discuss it further. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable in a relationship where my partner withholds important information until it’s convenient for them. I do not like this at all.

parthenogeneticlzrd −  Your relationship has bigger problems than the name issue. Imagine yourself in a relationship where, when your partner realizes he may disagree with you about something, he asks to talk to you about it.

Instead of trying to impose his will on you with an ultimatum, he talks to you about what he’s thinking, and asks you questions, seeking to understand your perspective. He approaches a difference of opinion or preference as a problem for the two of you to solve together, open to having his mind changed or to compromising as a result of the discussion.

Now look at the relationship you’re in. Your bf withholds information, then confronts you with absolutes. He lacks communication skills and doesn’t see you as a collaborator. And, being a man insisting on a woman changing her name, he is probably harboring other sexist attitudes.

Textlover −  Your feelings are just as valid as his: since you were a kid, you’ve always seen yourself keeping your name. Why would you have to be the one to back down? As someone else has already said, this goes deeper than just the name question. It is the expression of the traditional view that the wife becomes part of what the man is;

he overwrites some of her identity with his. There will be other things that go with this mindset: have you talked about the division of chores and childcare? I bet he likes things the traditional way there, too.

There’s also a reason why he’s only telling you about this now and not early on: he knows you’re invested in this relationship now and it’s harder for you to leave. But don’t fall into the trap of sunk cost fallacy. Think hard about what you want. You know he won’t compromise on this and it might be better for you overall to cut your losses and move on. You’re still very young and will be able to find someone whose values align with yours.

JemimaAslana −  You’ve talked about it before, so he knew your stance and he knew his own. In other words, he’s been stringing you along, lying by omission, expecting that he’d be able to make you *submit* to his preference. If he did not expect you to bend to his will, he would already have left.

Let me emphasise again: He already expects you to give up your stance for him and he has lied by omission about it for quite a while. He already sees you as lesser than himself – not because of his name-taking preference, that’s just a preference. He fully expected that he wouldn’t need to actually discuss and understand your point of view, because he expects you to do as you’re told.

Now the ultimatum is here and he expects it to work, otherwise he wouldn’t have been with you for so long. He expects it to work, because to him it is natural to assume that it would. What discussions have you had about marriage, kids, career goals? Do you *really* feel he’s been truthful about his aspirations and expectations in those areas? Do you even know who he is? Is the man you think you love even real?

Personally, I could never trust him again, I’d always be wondering what else he’d expect me to change about my opinions, preferences, looks, habits, goals and just waiting to make the demand of me when I’m stuck.

Yes, I have left partners for doing such a 180 on things. I have no regrets besides not leaving at the first 180 they did. Because it was never the last. Ever. I would take his ultimatum seriously and tell him to get out of your life.

Lambsenglish −  The amount of time you’ve been dating is irrelevant. Time spent in the past does not equate to future value. This isn’t about sunk costs, it’s about future investment. Do you want to invest your future in a man whose commitment to you depends on you taking his name?

_s1m0n_s3z −  That’s an ultimatum you can’t afford to give in to, in my opinion. If you do, there is a pretty good chance he won’t stop pushing. Every time you’ll compromise your values, just a little, and the next thing you know you’re a tradwife.

Lost-friend-ship −  What is his reason for wanting you to take his last name? Is it because he wants people to know you’re married? Wants your kids to have the same name as your family unit? I did this exercise with my husband, who was very upset that I didn’t want to take his last name. It did not even occur to him that this was up for debate (even though it had come up a bunch of times in other contexts). He said he wanted us to have the same last name, so I suggested he take mine.

Girl, he did not even think about it for a millisecond, and that pretty much cemented my decision. Every reason he gave me for wanting to take his name I said the same about my name. Every reason he gave me for not wanting to change his name (identity, his family, everything he’s worked for, his business is in his name) I said the same.

After all that I told him we both obviously feel strongly about it, and the only obvious compromise is to double barrel our last name. He’s a graphic designer so I think the thought of that gave him nightmares.

I stuck to my guns and kept my name. I could not be happier. My sister changed her name and wishes she hadn’t (she’s post divorce now). More and more women are refusing to be talked into this outdated and offensive tradition—join us!

PoliteCanadian2 −  Hmm wonder what other little traditional gems are hiding in his brain?

When faced with a relationship challenge, how do you balance compromise with personal identity? Would you make a sacrifice for your partner’s wishes, or would you stand firm in your beliefs? Share your thoughts below!