I (26F) have been giving gifts to my boyfriend (29M)’s family at many celebrations, without anything in return. Do I continue?

A Reddit user shares her frustration about consistently giving gifts to her boyfriend’s (29M) family without receiving anything in return. While she enjoys the celebrations, the imbalance in gift-giving has become a source of stress. With Christmas approaching, she’s unsure whether to continue the tradition, bring smaller gifts, or discuss the situation with her boyfriend. Read the full story below:

‘ I (26F) have been giving gifts to my boyfriend (29M)’s family at many celebrations, without anything in return. Do I continue? ‘

My (26F) boyfriend (29M) and I have been together for 2 years. His family is very big on hosting and throwing celebrations, whereas my family tends to only do large holidays together, which will be mostly centered around food, as opposed to gifts.

In the past year or so, I’ve been invited to his sister (28F)’s birthday, his sister’s baby shower, his mom(60-somethingF)’s birthday, his sister’s kid’s birthday (2F), his sister’s housewarming, his family’s Christmas, and a couple other misc. celebrations. Every time, I bring a gift.

It’s to the point where I’ve been spending more money on gifts for his family, than my own parents and siblings. However, I’ve never gotten a gift from his family. It’s not really their fault / intentional, as we will tend to do our own celebration for my birthday, so there’s not really been an opportunity for his family to give me gifts (other than Christmas).

But the one sided gift giving is starting to get to me. I’ve considered that maybe there isn’t an expectation for me to bring a gift, but for most of these celebrations I’m invited to, it would be very odd not to bring one (e.g., baby shower, birthdays).

I’ve considered doing joint gifts with my boyfriend, but his mom also pointedly asked one time, “Is that the one from (my name)”, without me mentioning that I had even brought a gift, which made it seem like it was a given that I should have brought one.

To be clear, I don’t want / need any gifts from any one in his family. I work a decently-paying job (despite being in a HCOL city), and my boyfriend and I are both more financially comfortable for our age than his family. However, the sheer number of celebrations I’m being invited to with an unspoken obligation for gifts is starting to build up,

especially because it feels a little like the relationship is one sided, as I’ve never received anything in return. With Christmas coming up, I wonder if I should continue bringing gifts, or use this as an opportunity to work with my boyfriend and change our operating model? Or do I just bring something that’s “cheaper”, like some baked goods / chocolates/?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

NYCStoryteller −  You and your boyfriend should be giving joint gifts, paid for by him, or you should stop gifting unless there’s an clear expectation of reciprocity. You’re not married to this guy and they’re not your family.

toodrytoopoopout −  Most definitely start bringing some baked goods. Take on a baking hobby. But not too much time investment if you’re not interested. Or want to give them that much effort.

Or even going to the store’s bakery section to get cookies and putting them on your own separate tray at home. If they ask why the sudden switch. You can tell them, “baking from the heart is the best gift of all.”

anditurnedaround −  I really think you should be giving a combined gift. From you and your boyfriend. A gift from each of you seems a little excessive.
My husband never went out and bought a separate gift than what I would buy. It was just from us. Christmas I would bring a bottle of wine or something for the host and that is all and let their family exchange gifts. 

anitarielleliphe −  You state that the “one-sided gift giving” with your boyfriend’s family is starting to get to you, but how can that be when the one-sided aspect is NOT intentional and merely a consequence of the very nature of the events that you have been invited to.. for example… someone else’s birthday… someone else’s baby shower… someone else’s house warming.

Rather than focusing on the positives… that you were invited… you are solely focused on the negatives. This is compounded by the fact that you have labeled the in-laws with negative motives and actions when you state that there is an “unspoken obligation for gifts” and that your boyfriend’s mother “pointedly asked one time” about a gift she attributed to you.

First of all, unless that was the first event that you had ever been invited to, it is likely that your boyfriend’s mother asked if that was the gift you were bringing because you had well established a pattern of bringing gifts.

Secondly, is your experience going to other people’s baby showers, birthdays, and what-not, that you do not bring gifts and somehow this makes your boyfriend’s family wrong? You’ve got the following options not necessarily in order and not necessarily mutually-exclusive:

1. Have your boyfriend buy gifts for these events and put your name on the gift along with his, and then you do the same for him with your family. DO NOT worry about what either family thinks. I am quite certain that nobody will care.

2. Continue with doing individual gifts, but reduce the investment costs, as you suggested. If the gift is thoughtful and took time and effort, like a baked good, it will be appreciated. Again, do not worry about what others think. The old adage, “it is the thought that counts” applies here.

3. Change your attitude. Rather than being annoyed by being included, and annoyed that you are not receiving a gift at a baby shower, or birthday, or housewarming, when pretty much that is NOT the norm,

look at it like his family thinks enough of you to include you. In reality, they are NOT obligated to include you, and rather than being skeptical that they do for the reason of a “gift-grab,” give them the benefit of the doubt.

jamicam −  If you enjoy giving gifts, then continue to do so. I think it’s fine to go with cheaper options, too. Just a token gesture, really, not a major gift. If they do not give you anything for Christmas, then you can safely assume this is all one-sided and then decide if you want to continue giving or not. Do what makes you feel happy, either way.

Toiletjuffrouw −  This is probably cultural specific. I connect the gift to the party. Your birthday and celebrating/invite me over? I bring stuff. My birthday and I’m not inviting anyone? No gifts for me. Going to a party without gift (and no explicit instructions to not bring anything)? Boo.

Variegated_Spider −  If it matters to you, I think it matters enough to talk about with your boyfriend. You deserve to feel valued by his family, and is gift-giving isn’t how they show affection and appreciation, then perhaps your boyfriend can help you understand what some of his family members’ “love languages” are outside of gifts. Oh, and baked goods all the way. Don’t spend more money!

Flimsy-Wolverine-663 −  In two years of being his girlfriend, you’ve had several birthdays and Christmas at least once; and none of them has ever given you anything? Thbbfth! Have you pointed this out to boyfriend? Are they all just taking advantage of your financial stability and generous nature?

Secret_Double_9239 −  You are right to feel some type of way and it’s time to do a joint gift with your boyfriend, no more individual gifts that you put time and effort into purchasing and gifting.

rajnichopra −  I agree with others and add your name to your boyfriend’s gift …it highlights that your a couple. Anything that your invited to solo I would bring a bottle of wine, flowers or baked goods as are still thoughtful gifts but more readily sourced.

Navigating family dynamics and expectations around gift-giving can be tricky, especially when it feels like a one-way street. How can this user balance her generosity with her own feelings,

and how should she communicate her concerns to her boyfriend without seeming ungrateful? Should she scale back on the gifts or have an open conversation about expectations? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/dPzWM