My bf(28M) got me a huge surprise gift that I(23f) think ruined my Christmas?

A Redditor (23F) shares how her boyfriend’s (28M) well-meaning surprise for Christmas – a plane ticket for her younger sister to visit and join their celebrations – ended up feeling like a disaster.

She had been looking forward to an intimate and romantic holiday together but now feels burdened by a responsibility she had moved away from. While her boyfriend insists he was being thoughtful, she can’t help but feel her needs and desires were overlooked. Read the full story below:

 

‘ My bf(28M) got me a huge surprise gift that I(23f) think ruined my Christmas?’

We have been together for 3 years, but this has been the first time we are financially stable enough to actually get a Christmas tree, a good haul of gifts, and decorate our apartment. This was always my favorite time of the year as a kid.

I grew up in kind of an a**sive family where I was forced to be an adult at a young age to take care of my siblings while my parents constantly worked and broke up and threw each other out, but everyone just seemed happy around the holidays. We both live across the country from our families and see then a few times a year for a week or so at a time.

We budgeted enough to splurge a little this year and we both started good jobs at the start of the year that gave us both bonuses. Together our bonuses are a combined 1500 dollars, and we agree this is the firm budget for Christmas gifts, split evenly.

I know it seems like a lot but there are several things we have both gone without for a while when we were struggling for the first couple years of our relationship financially. We both desperately needed new clothes and a few other misc. items.

We both prepared lists of clothes, shoes, cologne/perfume, things for our apartment like a rice cooker, new bedding, some items for our dog. In total I bought him everything on the list. I told him several times that I was so excited for “our first real Christmas together”, emphasis on “our” Christmas,

and I told him over and over again how extremely romantic and intimate I thought it was going to be. In my head we would simply have a lowkey Christmas, stay in, cook a big meal, mess around in bed for most of the day and play video games or something.

I felt like I communicated this clearly and we both agreed, I know for sure we talked about it and he never seemed to contest or ask for anything else. We spent the entire month of November talking about our mutual excitement and seeking out activities for us to do together, dates, board games, etc. We had a few dates planned.

I don’t know what came over him last night, but he decided to tell me my Christmas gift early. He spent a large portion of my gift budget on a plane ticket for my kid sister, orchestrated and planned with my parents to send her to our apartment to spend Christmas with us, and got my sister some gifts to open on Christmas morning so she wouldn’t feel left out.

He has a whole week planned for him, me, and my sister. All of our date ideas, but he included her. We will go see Christmas movies and Christmas lights with my sister. He got me 1-3 items off of my list, but none of these items were the things I needed i.e. warm clothes, shoes, bras, a winter coat, cosmetics.

We both made a lot of sacrifices this year while we struggled together, and I was looking forward to getting some items that would help me feel like me again and not like I was just in survival mode. My gift is that my sister is getting a vacation to my apartment. When he explained this to me, I just started crying. I feel so insanely frustrated.

I love my sister, and we are very close but it’s because I am more like a parent to her. When I moved away and met my bf I had some independence from this, but now something I was really looking forward to has been turned into a baby-sitting experience where I’m in charge of giving my sister a child’s Christmas experience.

I’m upset that my bf doesn’t know me well enough to know that this was actually one of the worst things he could do for me. He knows I hate surprises and grand gestures. I told him this really ruined my Christmas, and it’s something that can’t be undone without upsetting my sister who I feel responsible for.

My bf is telling me I’m being ungrateful and that he tried his best to be thoughtful, but I can’t shake the feeling that this was the last thing from thoughtful. Can someone please offer some insight?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Adultarescence −  If you decide to go ahead with the sister visit, you should insist that he truly makes it a gift to you. He needs to clean the apartment, prep where she’ll sleep, do the grocery shopping, do the cooking, etc., HE is in charge of giving your sister a Christmas experience. Not you.

Optimal-Drive3487 −  So, I can understand your frustration but what’s really annoying me is that since he told you the surprise early, he might as well have asked if it’s something you wanted in the first place BEFORE making the arrangements.

I wish I knew what was best now after the fact. Part of me wants to say have him cancel her ticket, part of me wants to say embrace it, part of me wants him to still get the things on your list. I wish I knew the best solution but I understand why you’re upset because now with every option, you are now painted as the bad guy.

skatingonthinice69 −  At a minimum, return all but 1-3 of his gifts and use the money for the things you need.

Forsaken_Still522 −  Time to start returning all the gifts you bought him so you can afford underwear.
Merry Christmas to your sister I guess…

strugglebean −  There is one thing I have heard another person say and it rang hard for me and it just might for you, “Sometimes, the cruelty was the point”. This is not a brand new relationship, you two are very far from strangers and I’m certain you have talked about family situations and past dynamics at least a good handful of times.

You set simple, clear, easy expectations for him and he just refused to meet them. And even above that, and what’s most important to me, is that when he saw how much this choice of his hurt you he didn’t immediately start apologizing or trying to figure it out with you, he just called you ungrateful.

He didn’t even consult with you before making this decision that would affect you both. I’m sure there were more details to the interaction but this is what really seems important to me. It may not be kind but your partners lack of kindness and consideration to you is enough to seriously evaluate who you thought he was and perhaps even his place in your life.

Are you sure there weren’t similar instances/behaviors that you excused in the past where he did something hurtful that should have been obvious one shouldn’t do?

TropicalDragon78 −  If he doesn’t understand just show him this post and the comments. What an a**hole to call you ungrateful for a “gift” of this magnitude that is the exact opposite of what you wanted. And I agree with the person who suggested you return some of his gifts so you can get one of the other items you want/need.

PomPomGrenade −  Oh? So you were parentified as a kid and moved far away to escape? Coolcool! Have some more of that for Christmas!
I agree with returning his gifts so you can buy your necessities.

woman_thorned −  Who sets up the house for guests? Who shops and cooks for guests?

Fantastic-Way6025 −  I would be SO annoyed. Especially considering you saved so much money as well, and already spoke about all your plans and wrote each other lists of what you actually wanted 😭 nah. This is so annoying.

GobsOfficeMagic −  Honestly? Cancel her trip. The visit is going to be so loaded with resentment, what’s the point? Your bf can make up some stupid excuse and fix what he ruined.

At least then you won’t have to babysit over Christmas AND be upset. And return the gifts you got him to pay for your own necessities! He obviously doesn’t care much, so you need to put yourself first, please.. Shut it down.

This situation highlights the complexities of balancing thoughtfulness with truly understanding a partner’s needs. Was the boyfriend’s gesture sweet yet misguided, or does this reveal deeper communication issues in their relationship? How would you handle such a situation? Share your thoughts below!