AITA for declining Christmas dinner with my stepmom?

A Reddit user shares their struggles with balancing family dynamics and personal well-being during their first Christmas post-divorce. Their stepmom, who recently moved to a seniors’ apartment, is upset about their decision to skip a Christmas Day dinner with her. The user feels torn between their own needs and their stepmom’s feelings. Read their story below.

‘ AITA for declining Christmas dinner with my stepmom?’

Background: stepmom has been part of my family for over 30 years and was, until recently, living in the same house as myself, husband and son (started after my dad passed)

This year has been full of change. She moved to an all included, seniors apartment as she was tired of doing everything at home and she wanted more socializing. Husband and I have been working through an amicable divorce (20+ years of marriage), separating houses and ensuring teenager is priority for both of us through the changes. This all happened in the last 6 months.

Figuring out the holidays with our new family dynamics has been challenging. In the past, ex, son and I spent Christmas eve with family friends and Christmas day with stepmom. In my family, Christmas dinner has always been Christmas eve and Christmas day was relaxed, eating leftovers and snacks. Stepmom is opposite.

She went all out Christmas day and cooked a big meal but started to complain about the work a few years ago. The last couple of years she has had dinner with her friends christmas eve and we all have brunch or snack plates Christmas day, cooked by me.

This year, friends have moved, so ex and I decided a small dinner at ex’s home is the best plan for our first Christmas. Son is staying there over christmas break and ex isn’t comfortable coming back to my house which was where we lived prior to the divorce. Stepmom has always been cold to him so he’s asked that christmas eve dinner just be the 3 of us. Reasonable requests given our current situation.

Christmas day, I will pick up son and stepmom, bring them to my place for brunch, gifts etc, spend a few hours together and then I will take them both home. During the lat few years, I have been dealing with a long term disbility that impacts my physical capabilities and causes a lot of pain, so this plan also took that into consideration. I plan on spending a quiet evening at home, likely video chatting with my mom and extended family.

And here’s the issue: stepmom wants me to drop son at his dad’s and join her in the dining room of her building for dinner. I have declined for many reasons – first holiday post divorce, first one without my son under the same roof, and the exhaustion that i know the day will bring. Also, the idea of subjecting myself to a room full of people I don’t know, masking the physical pain of a long day, while pretending to be happy and feeling festive, sounds like a nightmare.

She is not happy with my answer and is tossing out “you’re my only family, everyone else has family coming, I don’t want you to be alone, this is my first christmas here” etc. I’m trying really hard to balance what I need with what everyone else needs but I also hate the idea of upsetting her. I do see her a couple of times a week so it’s not like I don’t spend any time with her. My emotions are high this year and I could use some outside perspective because she’s making me feel unreasonable.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

significantmorsel −  NAH. Your stepmum isn’t an AH for asking, she’s a bit stubborn in not accepting your no, and could be more understanding of your health and desires. Potentially doesn’t want to be the odd one out at her first Christmas with her new circle and is being a little too demanding of you. You deserve to spend a little time to yourself without chauffeuring or pleasing everyone else.

Your stepmum feels a little lost this year which is understandable but you’re in pain and your own person, not just someone she can make demands of. You are not solely StepKid. Yes it would be nice if there were a compromise but you’re not the a**hole for not putting everyone else ahead of your own wants for two whole days and I’d definitely encourage you to have your boundaries as they sound healthy and reasonable.

You are absolutely not unreasonable. Your stepmum sounds like someone who thrives off social interaction, you don’t have to entertain that if that’s not your choice.

Tinkerpro −  I’m sorry stepmom, there have been so many changes in the past six months I just can’t accommodate your request this year. I am happy to bring you to the house to celebrate with son and I but no, I won’t be joining you for the Christmas meal. I’m sure any of your friends will be happy to let you join them and I’m sure there are many people who will not have family there that day.

That is the truth, my mom lived in a place like that for 15 years. There were a lot of people who didn’t have family join them. I know this year is a challenge. Everyone’s life has changed and you all are trying to figure it out.

BrierRed −  NAH It sounds like it’s a year of challenging “firsts” for everyone, including MIL. Since you’re spending CE with ex + son, would it be possible to take your gifts there and have your son open them there? Eliminating the need for Christmas Brunch altogether, which would free you up for dinner and provide some rest time? Perhaps you could give MIL the options of either brunch or dinner (but not both)? Maybe your son could also join you and MIL for dinner at the senior living facility?
You should definitely do whatever you need to do to feel physical and emotionally comfortable – it’s your holiday (and first too).

Somythinkingis −  Let her in on your physical limitations and give her reasonable expectations. Her desire vs your boundaries of not being uncomfortable and exhausted for her comfort is not ok.

elsie78 −  NAH. This is her first Christmas in the senior home and others will have family with them (not all of course but still). She’s going through a lot of change too. Could you do just 30 minutes? Could you shorten the time at home (since you’ll be with your son and ex to celebrate also) to make going to her place easier, or start your festivities earlier? What about your son picking her up so you’re not doing all the driving?

k23_k23 −  NTA.

uTop-Artichoke5020 −  NTA. Tell her that you will not be able to accommodate her and that she needs to consider your feelings this time. Suggest that if you are pushed too far you may not be able to transport her back and forth.

LeaveInteresting3290 −  There is no way she’s the only one without family coming.