Update: My fiancé told me he is “tired of hiding” who he is from me and now I’m not sure I want to get married
A Reddit user (26F) shares an update after ending her engagement with her fiancé (27M). Despite his emotional plea during their phone call, in which he admitted to lying and expressed his heartbreak, the user decided to break off the relationship after realizing that she no longer trusted his ability to change. She is now grieving the loss of the relationship but feels that cutting ties was ultimately the best choice. Read the full story below.
‘ Update: My fiancé told me he is “tired of hiding” who he is from me and now I’m not sure I want to get married’
Firstly, thank you everyone for your input, the “run” comment was pretty brutal but effective. I broke off the engagement three days ago via phone call. I haven’t figured out how I will return the ring but thinking by insured mail. The call itself wasn’t horrible because I think he was in shock but a couple of highlights from the call:
– “I might have lied, fine. But you are a l**r too, you lied about loving me.”
– “Not trying to guilt you but you’ve destroyed me.”
– “I have nothing now and have no idea what I’m going to do with myself.”
– “Are you seeing someone else?”
– “You’re making a huge mistake. Al I wanted was to be a good husband to you.” (2x)
These comments were hard to hear because my worst fear is that I preemptively cut off a relationship with a man who is going through active change and who loves me dearly. But at the end of the day, I realized I don’t trust that he will change genuinely and I have no idea how to measure that progress since he has proved to hide parts of himself around me.
He hasn’t tried to contact me since I broke things off and I’m grateful for that. I think it would make everything so much worse. I am grieving such an immense loss which is hard to communicate because others see it as a win by leaving an unhealthy relationship. Again, thanks everyone for the advice.
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
AvocadoandSteak − All of those comments he made to you are all centered around him trying to guilt you but none of them ask about your well being and how he could’ve done better. I know it’s hard but you’ve made the right decision, I’m proud of you OP!
[Reddit User] − Take the time to grieve and perhaps schedule an appointment with a licensed therapist, you might need to undo some of the work you did with the ‘relationship counsellor’ who clearly didn’t have your best interests in mind.
PeanutButterPigeon85 − Nah, you definitely did the right thing. A long time ago, I broke up with someone who was also very problematic, though in different ways. And like you, I got all kinds of comments from my ex after I dumped him:
He claimed that my decision to break up was “cold feet run amok.” (So patronizing!)
He claimed that I’d destroyed his heart, crushed his soul, blah blah blah.
He claimed that he’d never get over this, ever ever ever.
Well long story short, I stayed firm on the break-up, and I went no-contact, even though I felt pretty guilty at the time. Since then, I’ve heard bits and pieces about my ex and how his life has gone, and…yeah. It’s pretty obvious in retrospect how selfish he was.
It’s obvious that he was very emotionally stunted and incapable of being in a reciprocal, adult relationship. It’s obvious that when I broke up with him, and he made all those dramatic statements, it **wasn’t** because he loved me so much…rather, it was because he didn’t want to deal with the deep-seated issues that led me to break it off with him.
Instead of acknowledging his issues, he was flailing around and trying to shift the blame for the end of our relationship to me — when the reality was that I’d tried really hard for years to be there for him. So yeah, bullet dodged. I’m confident that in a year or two, you’ll be able to look back and think the same. Please don’t let him manipulate you into feeling guilty.
kerri_may − Well done OP. Your original post was hard to read because I just couldn’t understand why you would be with someone who was so horrible and prejudiced and said things to you like that he had superior genes. It made my skin crawl.
If your ex fiancé was seriously going to change he would go to a real therapist and not his friend. Also I’m echoing what someone else has said but his comments to the break up were very self centred.
You don’t owe him anything. You have saved yourself from entering a marriage that would have become unhappy, and if you wanted kids, would you want them to have these prejudices or have a father they are embarrassed of because of his prejudices?
The fact that you said he is sexist and only talks to women he is interested in romantically is huge. And he had indicated r**ist leanings in the comments about your brother. This to me demonstrated that he had no respect for who you are as a woman and a black person, and that disrespect runs deep. I can’t understand why you ever felt this was someone you should be with.
Hopefully you can work on you a little so that you can see you deserve better than this and can find a person much better suited to you and your outlook on life. I’m so glad you’re on your way to being happier by stepping away from him. Take your time and grieve the relationship but please stay strong and be sure that you have done the right thing. Good luck!
Mindard − Girl, the best thing you could have done for yourself is leaving this sad sack. Even if he changes, there’s no guarantee that he would’ve changed while being with you. Also, you want a husband not a project. P.s. I hope karma hits him as hard as it can. This n**cissist deserves pain.
AuroratheApheonaught − That’s a huge red flag. Nah, actually, that’s a red f**king tapestry. Good for you, getting out of that situation.
[Reddit User] − May I ask if you’ve had some time to reflect about the reasons why you went into a relationship with and almost married someone like that?
[Reddit User] − I read the original post and this sentence: “I have superior genes than you” had me stunned. He sounds like an awful human being. So happy to hear you are out of that situation. I know it’s hard to grieve a relationship but hang in there. Time will heal and the next man you meet will surely be much better for you even if he’s not “the one”.
ivanthemute − Good for you! And don’t fear that you’ve made a mistake. All of the “highlights” you’ve posted scream r/niceguys, and they’re…not…
willfully_hopeful − Happy to hear this. He had a number of concerning and disgusting beliefs but what really got me is when he said your brother could be seen as “threatening” cause he’s Black. The idea that a man he knows, has built some what a relationship with and is related to the person who he supposedly loves can still be judged by the color of his skin is shocking to me.
As a Black woman with 4 sweet, kinda, beautiful nephews this hurts my heart because no matter how great my nephews are people will still see them as threatening. And that even when they know them some people will see their 6’2 frame and Black skin as “threatening” instead of their 18 year old youthful selves.
The person you marry should be aware of the issue of racial basis in our society and should be defending your family. Not whatever b**lshit he is on. This is crucial in interracial relationships. If he has prejudice thoughts, girl run faster then the wind can carry. Let me repeat it again, you did the right thing.
Leaving someone you love can be one of the hardest things to do. How do you cope with the grief of ending an important relationship? Share your thoughts below!