SAHM 34 F goes back to work after 7 years. 44 M wants money back. What should she do?

A 34-year-old woman who stayed at home for 7 years to raise her children is now back to work and making $48K/year. Her husband, who supported her with a weekly allowance during her time as a stay-at-home mom, is now asking her to pay him back for the money he gave her.

She feels this request is unfair, as she’s in debt due to their arrangement and was not fully on board with it. She’s seeking advice on how to handle this situation.

‘ SAHM 34 F goes back to work after 7 years. 44 M wants money back. What should she do?’

I am 34F and have been married for 8 years to my husband 47M. When we got married, I got pregnant pretty quickly. We didn’t have a plan in place for childcare. Initially he had told me that his father wanted to take care of the baby as he was retired and was really looking forward to bonding with his grandchild.

After having the baby I quickly realized this would not work because of certain health conditions my FIL had. When we started looking at daycare in the area it turned out that the daycare cost more than I made. I suggested we tried looking a little bit further out as daycare costs were cheaper in more urban areas, or even home daycares,

but my husband would not hear of it. He kept insisting I should stay home with the baby, saying we couldn’t trust home daycares and he didn’t want to look into cheaper daycares. I stayed home for about 2 years when I got pregnant again. After many arguments I ended up staying home for 7 years until the youngest could start school.

My husband would give me kind of an “allowance” of about $375 a week and from that I paid for groceries, my gas, car insurance and anything the children and I would need. Such as, clothes, medicines, etc. It was really tough especially as inflation increased. I knew my husband could not afford any more so I ended up running up my cc.

Now I am back to work making 48k/year. I am still paying the same things as before and about 20% rent, plus internet and cable bills. While my husband takes care of 80% rent and helps out here and there with the kids. The thing is, now he is asking me to pay him back for the money he has given me over the years,

and I don’t think that is fair as I am currently in debt because of our arrangement, and it wasn’t something I wanted to do. He calls me ungrateful for pointing out it was his decision, and because I stayed home we saved money. What do you think? Any advice for me?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

goodbye-toilet-cat −  He wants you to pay him back for *partially* supporting you as the stay at home mother and wife raising his kids? While you ran up credit card debt because his “allowance” for you was inadequate? Draw up a past due invoice for the surrogacy and childbirth services , then 7 years of 24/7/365 hours of nanny (private and overnight!),

private tutor for the kid, private chef, maid, therapist, chauffeur, personal assistant, secretary, prostitute, etc. services, (and part time nurse for his unwell dad?) offset that total with the measly allowance he paid you, and ask him if he’s like to pay up front or monthly. Don’t forget to add your lost wages, including lost retirement contributions.

All of this times two because it’s two kids.. This man hates you. You were 26 when you married and immediately and accidentally became pregnant by a man a decade+ older than you, who forced you to give up your career for the next near-decade of your life. Was the second pregnancy also a “surprise?”

He’s had you under his thumb the entire relationship and he’s NOT going to give up his power without a fight – he wants to keep you too poor, too busy, and too tired, and himself too detached from parenting, so you can’t trust him alone with the kids and can’t leave him.

How old were you when you two first met? Let me guess, 22 tops? p.s. get an IUD if you don’t have one already. And a good divorce lawyer. Tell them you’re a financially abused wife who was forced to be a SAHM with back to back “unexpected” pregnancies.

WonderfulPrior381 −  Call a lawyer and send him the bill for the divorce and child support for the next 10 or so years. I can guarantee you it will be the same or more than what he gave you each week. He wanted you home so you had no money except what he gave you. Now you have a job and he still wants to control you.

Motchiko −  You do realize that you are an a**sive marriage, right? He trapped you at home, financially controlled you and now wants to trap you again with a non existent debt to make you stay.

No_Noise_5733 −  Give him an equal bill for housekeeping services, cooking services, shopping, secretarial services for apps, child care, laundry, s**ual services etc etc

BelmontIncident −  My advice is directed to him “Dude, they’re your kids too. If you’d paid for daycare, you wouldn’t be getting the money back. You didn’t make this conditional on never working again and you can’t add terms and conditions retroactively.”

DazzlingEyes8778 −  Are you married or are you just business partners?

Extension_Drummer_85 −  Bill him for all the unpaid childcare you did 

roxieh −  All of these comments suggesting you bill him back are very tongue in cheek but the reality of this is, you are married. His money is your money and vice versa. He has no claims whatsoever on you paying him back for anything, much less raising your (joint) children.  What a ridiculous notion. You don’t owe him anything. 

Ssn81 −  He’s financially abusing you. Now that you have your own money coming in; he wants to make sure you can’t save anything up by saddling you with a made up debt.