My (34F) ex-husband’s (36M) future partner wants to know why we got divorced. Conflicting emotions, thoughts on how to respond?

A Reddit user is grappling with a difficult decision after her ex-husband’s new partner reached out, asking why their marriage ended. The user wants to be honest about her experience, which included deceit and gaslighting, but revisiting those emotions feels overwhelming.

She’s conflicted about whether to warn the new partner about potential red flags or let her discover the truth on her own. Read on for the full story and the user’s inner struggle.

‘ My (34F) ex-husband’s (36M) future partner wants to know why we got divorced. Conflicting emotions, thoughts on how to respond?’

So my ex and I had been married for 5 years, and got divorced a year ago (no kids). He has moved on and found someone new who’s considering marrying him. She reached out to me to hear my side of the story.

I’m not sure what he’s told her, but it seems she’s cautious and wants to understand what happened between us better, thinking it would help her gain clarity. My ex and I are no longer in contact. The root cause of all our major issues in the marriage came from him being deceitful by nature.

Absolute smooth talker, but couldn’t trust a word that came out of his mouth. I didn’t see this until much later in the marriage due to all the g**lighting. As a woman, I can genuinely understand where she’s coming from. I’ve been in her shoes, wanting answers.

However, revisiting my side of the story is emotionally draining, and I’d rather not go down that road again. I want to warn her about the potential red flags, but I also don’t want to unduly influence her decision-making process.

These red flags aren’t always immediately obvious; they can gradually reveal themselves over time. Even if I were to warn her now, I’m unsure of how much it would truly benefit her. Part of me also hopes he’s changed since our divorce, but it’s quite unlikely IMHO.

I’m torn. Do I warn her about the red flags or step back and allow her to navigate her own jounrey with him without my experiences clouding her judgment? Has anyone else experienced this? Could you share your experiences or thoughts? I’d really appreciate hearing different perspectives.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Careless_Welder_4048 −  She’s reaching out because her gut is talking to her.

Dear_Parsnip_6802 −  Perhaps he is g**lighting her so she is reaching out to you as the only person who can prove she’s not crazy. If you do decide to help her, I wouldn’t do it in writing as it could be used against you.

You could also approach turn it back on her and say I find revisiting my past with him emotionally draining but I want to be honest with you. Can you tell me what your main concerns are and I’ll confirm whether I experienced the same things.

Zoe2805 −  You can be clear without providing too much detail. “I can understand why you ask. Re-living everything in great detail is too much for me, but I can give you a short version. I ultimately realised that he lied to me in many situations and I couldn’t trust a word that came out of his mouth due to that.

(Maybe give ONE example here). I’m not telling you the countless (other stories) it’s up to you to decide what to do with this information. I don’t know if he could have changed, but given the short amount of time passed since we divorced, I doubt he has.

This takes serious work and taking responsibility that I’m not thinking he’s able or willing to. Best of luck whatever you decide” Something like that. I think it would be the nice thing to do if you give her an honest answer and a warning since she reached out to you. Of course you are not obligated to, but wouldn’t you appreciate it when someone told you the truth in that situation?

stellabluebear −  You don’t have to revisit the whole thing. Just a couple sentences are enough – “he was deceitful and it had an adverse impact on my well being. I don’t know what work he’s done, if any, to overcome his issues since I’m not in touch with him. I wish you well and I’m sure you understand that I don’t want to re-live the details of that time of my life.”

grandmasvilla −  Since she reached out to hear your opinion, be honest with her. If you start dating again someday, you would want to know about your partner and the reasons of his divorce.

(If he were divorced before) Just give her your objective opinions about him and reasons behind them. Don’t worry about what she will think. It’s her business to figure out what to do with the information you give her.

WebSignificant7592 −  As someone who was in an a**sive relationship, I wish I thought to ask his exes the truth. My stupid ass believed him when he said they were all crazy though.

[Reddit User] −  She wouldnt be reaching out if she didn’t already see the red flags. TELL HER. SAVE HER.

Equal_Push_565 −  Her reaching out means she wants to know what happened.. so tell her the truth. You won’t be doing any harm. If he’s still the same guy, she knows what to look for from talking to you.

lucky_lilac555 −  My current partner has asked ME why my ex and I got divorced but he’s NEVER entertained the idea of asking my ex for their side. I think your ex’s partner has picked up on “something” she is unsure about, and feels like she needs to know what happened from you and not solely his version.

I would be honest. I’m sure she knew going into it, you could be very blunt with her. I would make it a point to keep it simple and honest, and that it’s how he was when YOU were with him, as he MAY have truly changed and she could just be acting overly cautious.

sittinginneutral −  I would honestly send most of what you said in this post. All interactions are different with different people, I’d like to think. Maybe he’s changed. Maybe he hasn’t. It’s fair to tell her the light version, and why you’d like to keep it that way, or even that because it was difficult, you’d rather not get involved.

You could even follow by saying that you hope things are different and are more positive for them.