AITA for showing resentment towards my siblings because our mum fixed the house up after I moved out?

A Reddit user shared their feelings of resentment after visiting their family home during the holidays and discovering that their mother had fixed it up only after they moved out. The user reflects on growing up in a chaotic, broken-down house and now seeing their siblings enjoy a clean and well-maintained environment. Was expressing those feelings wrong? Read the full story below to learn more.

‘ AITA for showing resentment towards my siblings because our mum fixed the house up after I moved out?’

I apologise for the lengthy post, there’s a lot of context needed. I (21f) have a complicated relationship with my family, especially my mum. We moved to our new house when I was 14/almost 15 and it’s only now being ‘properly’ done-up. What I mean by that is:

1- our main bathroom is finally being renovated (previously it was functional but no tiles, paint, etc. It had been completely stripped).
2- ALL the carpet in the house has been replaced.
3- the kitchen is having it’s final touches (painted, shelves installed, hinges being replaced, etc).

My siblings also all switched rooms which came with full makeovers. And they’re taking the cleanliness of the house seriously. My brother actually cleans the bathroom on the top floor despite it being his chore since we moved in.

For context, when I was living at home, I insisted on walking outside of my room with slippers because there was always some weird liquid or goop on the carpet from my sister playing, or cat p**s in the hallways because my mum refused to get our cats spayed and they didn’t have their own food/water bowls until I moved out at 18 (we had one litter box on the top floor but the cats were having some behavioural issues and would fight when they saw each other so one cat ‘took over’ the top floor and the other would just do his business downstairs in the back hallway).

The house was dirty, and despite my mum constantly cleaning, she never actually addressed any of the core issues. But now she is. The house looks (and smells) 10x better. And my mum has implemented a ton of stuff to help keep the house clean.

However, I’m feeling a lot of resentment because my siblings get a properly furnished/decorated, clean home whereas I got a broken down one that smelt of cat and dog p**s. And I’m aware that my siblings also grew up in the same broken down home as me, but they now get to reap the benefits of this new home. I am also the eldest and was responsible for a lot of the chores by default while they would openly refuse to help out. The horrible state of the house was why I never moved back home after uni.

A few days ago, I arrived home for Christmas and my mum was going through the rules for the house to keep it clean. I made a comment about if my brother actually does his chores now and my mum says ‘yes of course he does! He’s been a great help and he takes his cleanliness seriously!’

Something about this really pissed me off because my brother would literally mock me until I was crying because I would get upset that he would refuse to clean the bathroom or hoover. I think I shut off after that because my mum asked me what was wrong and I said ‘I don’t know… I guess i feel weird because the house actually feels like a home now’. We talked a bit about it and later, I heard my mum crying in her room talking to her friend about what I said. Money was never an issue with renovations, btw.. AITA?.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

15021993 −  NTA. She likely switched up because the only one who did sth around the house moved out and she saw that the younger kids weren’t listening. So rules are in place and she started renovating. It’s an extremely sad thing tbh because you obviously hold a lot of resentment and feel like you missed out on an actual home and safe space. Your comment is totally fine.

piscespossum −  NAH. It’s normal to resent growing up in a house that was dirty with a family that refused to help you try to make things better. It’s also totally fine to tell your mom about those mixed feelings and have an adult discussion about the ways that your childhood was less than perfect. Part of parenthood is coming to terms with your own failures.

No matter how hard you try, you’re never going to be perfect. It’s normal for your mom to be upset upon realizing the ways that she failed you, and that’s for her to deal with, not you. Maybe there were reasons that she is just now getting her act together, but she still has to deal with the fact that she made your childhood and adolescence more difficult than it needed to be.

In terms of your siblings, I would encourage you to remember that three years is a really long time for a child or teenager. They’ve likely done a lot of growing up and maturing in that time, which is why your brother is willing to do his chores now.

Also, it makes sense that they would be more willing to keep up a nice house with their mom’s encouragement than to try to get a really dirty house into shape with their sister’s encouragement. One is easier than the other, AND one has parental support whereas the other only has a sibling (aka the enemy) trying to nag you into it.

I do think you should consider seeing a therapist to talk about all of this. I don’t know why your mom has made this change, but it’s normal to feel sad and hurt that she wasn’t able to make it for you. Speaking with a therapist might help you come to terms with it so you can have a more positive relationship with your family in the future. (Or so you can feel good about keeping the distance you’ve established – both are valid options!)

OggyOwlByrd −  The oldest sibling from a chaotic household that grew up with terrible, unsanitary living conditions, then watched things change for the better when parents decided to be adults, but only in the years after you left home?.

Same…. Same…. Burnt pancake syndrome is what my adopted family calls it. The first of the batch always gets burnt if folks aren’t actually prepared and mentally ready to make a batch. The problem is that parents can learn to be better for the rest of the batch, but that won’t unburn the firstborn. A lot of the time, we the kids, dwell on this for ages and build a castle of resentment, rage, and despair. Thinking our parents never loved us enough to actually try.

We have to remember, they had no idea what they were doing and were likely dealing with undiagnosed mental illness and a past full of repressed trauma that they have never and likely will never deal with. Loads of parents like to pretend as if it wasn’t that bad, or say you misremembered, or just ignore that trauma altogether. That was how they were raised. That isn’t an excuse it’s a statement. Now is the time to address what effect their decisions and lack of awareness and coping skills have had on us as their children.

Most times, they will blow it off and revert to their bad coping mechanisms in this conversation. That’s okay. You addressed it. You got it out of your mind and into open air. Maybe that’ll get them to open up and tell you the story of their lives, if not, you still tried and it won’t eat you up. Some therapy and some time is all I can say after that. I still can’t believe how different it was for my younger sibs, I still hold resentment, but therapy helps a lot. Low contact helps more, but we are getting there slowly.

Kathartic19 −  NTA And I give you kudos for talking to your mom about it. Talk to her now with compassion. Do you think she was suffering depression or some other malaise that kept the house so dysfunctional when you lived at home? It feels like something positive happened, she finally got support, and it unfortunately happened too late for you. I hope you talk to her more about it and gain perspective that helps you heal from that sad time at home.

Srvntgrrl_789 −  NTA. You’re the oldest, and the oldest daughter. Your mom and siblings relied on you, and then probably took it for granted. I’m guessing none of them ever said thank you. Your mom probably wised up once you moved out and she had to be accountable. I hope you can take some gratitude in that. I’d show her this post, if you have trouble getting your point with her across. I’m never surprised at how clueless some parents are about their oldest child’s feelings in these matters.

Friendly-Client6242 −  NTA. Sounds like your mom used you as the default parent, and didn’t actually jump in to set rules until you were out and she had no choice. I’m sorry you were parentified and didn’t get the opportunity to enjoy living in your family home. Kudos to you for telling her how you felt. I saw someone mention “mom guilt” but sometimes parents need to feel guilt or shame for how they have behaved. Parents are not exempt from that.

clarityanon −  yeh… NTA. If money really wasn’t an issue like you say, there is little to no reason why your mum couldn’t have at least started renovating bathrooms, replacing carpet, etc and doing whatever rules she does to keep the house clean (also INFO bc I’m curious, what are those rules?). It also costs practically nothing to ensure your kids do their chores.

You’re not an a**hole for feeling left out of what could have been a really cosy home environment. Maybe try and talk to your mum again to clear things up? Best of luck, OP.

Capable_Ad_976 −  NTA. There is a lesson in human behaviour in all this. Your leaving and not keeping things up allowed the family to hit rock bottom and finally understand what you had been saying the whole time. This is the only way some people learn and it’s exhausting for you who knew better. Notice no one is giving you your validation now that the problems are fixed.

That’s why you’re resentful. Spend time with people who value your words, your time and attention. You went away, now stay away. You need things from your family they are too inattentive to give you. There is a lack of love for you in all this.

New-Comment2668 −  NTA. A child deserves to grow up in a safe, healthy, clean environment. You did not have that luxury. On top of it all, you were expected to do not only your chores, but your siblings’ chores or live in an even filthier house. The fact that your mom could have done these renovations at any time, and chose to wait until you were out of the house should absolutely cause you to be angry and resentful. Your mom needs to own up to her mistakes and understand that you had a lot of burdens dropped on you at a very young age.

Science_Knower −  You are not the a**hole. It’s understandable that you feel resentment after growing up in a neglected home, while your siblings now get to enjoy a completely renovated space. Perhaps you could try to have a more open and honest conversation with your mother. Explain to her how you’re feeling and about the past.