My (26M) girlfriend (24F) found an engagement ring I was keeping safe for my friend until he was ready to propose. She thought it was for her and is furious that it wasn’t.
A man shares that his girlfriend found an engagement ring he was keeping for a friend, believing it was for her. She became furious when she learned it wasn’t, and now demands he proposes to her with a better ring within three months or the relationship will end. He’s conflicted about whether her reaction is a red flag or an overreaction. Read the full story below.
‘ My (26M) girlfriend (24F) found an engagement ring I was keeping safe for my friend until he was ready to propose. She thought it was for her and is furious that it wasn’t.’
I’ve been dating my girlfriend Laura for just over two years. We met as I was finishing my masters and she was in her last year of undergrad as we attended the same university. We have a pretty strong relationship overall, we get along well and have pretty similar views/goals in life, and I love her a great deal. She’s definitely been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had and I see a strong future with her.
This weekend has been awful, however. My best friend Rob came to me about a month ago and told me that he had a plan to propose to his long term girlfriend Grace of about seven years. The problem was that they live together and she’s a very clean person, and he was afraid she might find the ring while cleaning before he was ready to propose.
I offered to hide it for him at my house until he was ready, and he handed it over. I hid it in the back of my sock drawer and honestly kind of forgot about it until last Monday when he asked for it back. He (successfully!) proposed to Grace yesterday, and she posted a picture of the two of them on her instagram with the ring clearly visible.
Literally five minutes after she posted, Laura rang me absolutely fuming. She told me she’d found that ring three weeks ago, so why had I given it to Rob for Grace when I’d clearly chosen it especially for her? Was Grace mocking her with her post, just rubbing her nose into the fact that she’d “stolen” her ring?
I tried to talk her down and explain that I’d just been keeping it safe for Rob and that I’d never intended to propose to her with it but that only made her more upset and she starting screaming at me that I’d absolutely built up her hopes and just destroyed them. She hung up on me, then texted me that I had three months to propose to her with “a better ring than Grace’s” or she’s going to break up with me.
Am I wrong for thinking this is a red flag? I know that she probably was really excited and I absolutely never meant to hurt her feelings with all of this, but the ring was never for her and she never should have known about it. We don’t live together and I don’t know what she was doing snooping in my drawers, or when she had the time to look in there, or what she was looking for her.
More than that, I am 100% not ready for marriage. We’ve only been together for two years, haven’t lived together, haven’t even talked about marriage yet. I want to be living together for at least a year before we get engaged.
What do I do? I totally understand why she’d be upset but I just feel like she’s invaded my privacy by looking through my stuff, and that I’m being treated badly for something that was never meant as a snub towards her. This is the first big fight we’ve had and I’m not sure if I’m just seeing red flags because I’m hurt, or if they’re really there.
TL;DR: Girlfriend snooped and found a ring that I was keeping safe for a friend. She’s angry that the ring wasn’t for her, is demanding a proposal by Valentine’s day or the relationship’s off. Need help determining what my next move should be.
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
Wade_NYC − I think a brief period of irrationality might make sense. She handled things poorly and owes you an apology, but unlike other commenters, I’m not sure I’d tell you to run just yet. Ignoring the snooping bit, for a moment: Your girlfriend finds a ring, and naturally assumes the ring is for her. (Why else would you have tried to hide it in the sock drawer?!) ^^So ^^you ^^didn’t ^^lose ^^it, ^^obviously, ^^but ^^this ^^wouldn’t ^^occur ^^to ^^her.
For a month, she does her best to play it cool, but her heart is singing. She’s picturing the ceremony, who she’ll pick as her bridesmaids, the dress she’ll wear. Maybe she tells some close friends they’ll be bridesmaids. They tell everyone else.
They try to figure out the next dinner you’ve planned with her so they can get your girlfriend a manicure… for those instagram proposal pictures she’s a little embarrassed to be so excited about. She tells her mother, who tells the whole family, and everyone’s buzzing with anticipation. Her parents, if you’ve met them, expect you to get in touch soon to ask their blessing.
She’s surprised how cooly you play things. You don’t seem to have made *any* fancy dinner plans you tell her about, but she senses there’s something off in how you behave. She knows you’re thinking about the proposal too, as well as you try and hide it. Maybe you mention a trip to someone’s hometown or something. As she sees it, everything is to be analyzed.
She assumes this proposal is going to be in the next month or so, and any time you make plans she wonders what your *real* plans are. She pictures what your children might look like. If you’re moving into a new place together. What couch you’ll buy in your new place— what you’ll put on the registry.
**Then.** She’s in line at the supermarket, or sitting in her car in the driveway, and she’s thinking about you— about your relationship. She’s felt lost since finishing her undergraduate program. Without those academic life-tracks, things feel a little free-form. And that’s scary.
But now… things seem a little clearer. Of course marrying you makes sense. You’re the best relationship she’s ever had. Imagine how crushing it must be— how tied in knots her stomach is— when she sees the ring— *her ring—* on someone else’s finger.
For a month, she’s had her whole life figured out. In a moment, everything is instantly gone. She zooms in on the ring in a cold sweat, and it feels like you’ve broken up with her. She’s temporarily unable to process things in the most rational way.
She processes her grief the way many people do—In a textbook **stages of grief** way. As soon as the initial paralysis of ***shock*** wears off, she calls you.. She’s clearly in ***Denial.***
She refuses to accept the ring was not for her, so she grills you on why you gave it away. Her heart is beating through her chest. It doesn’t make sense to her. There’s no way it was for another girl, it was in your dresser!. Next up, we’ve got ***Anger.***
In a classic frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion, she screams at you for ruining the life she’s mentally been settling into for a month. She’s got a dozen people she needs to lose her dignity in front of, and countless others through the grapevine. And why? Because of *you.* (It seems.). Then comes ***Bargaining.***
Seeking in vain for a way out. Like when Kevin, from **The Office,** spills his chili, and tries to sweep it back into the pot off the floor. Or when Kevin, from **The Office,** crushes a turtle and tries to glue it back together.
She’s trying to piece back together this fantasy she’s had for a month, compounded by family and friends, at all costs. Silly as it is— pointless as it is— she’s determined it make this work. So she gives you a crazy ultimatum. Crazy enough to work? Well, you came here, so *maybe.*
She’s probably working through ***depression*** right now. I think she’s totally valid in grieving. Marriage is a big deal, and in a way, she’s going through a change not similar to a breakup right now. I don’t think she’s valid in directing it at you. She snooped, and she got her punishment for it. A bigger punishment than she was expected, and a punishment that came completely out of her own actions.
Moving forward, I think you should treat this as though she’s grieving over something entirely unrelated to you, because she is. (Though she doesn’t seem to know it.) Hopefully, with a little time, she’ll cool off, rescind the ultimatum, and be deeply apologetic. And then you can cautiously move forward in the relationship. If she doesn’t apologize, for snooping, for her behavior over the phone, for everything— then I say run.
persephone_cap − rule #1 don’t ever get married if you’re not ready! i wont even touch on her reaction and proposal demand lol
kcx092x − she’s DEMANDING you propose?. lol, run.
[Reddit User] − Update is needed for this one bud
SuperGRB − Well – she totally set herself up for that. That being said, I can see how she could be upset (even though it is completely her fault). You need to give her time to calm down and see if she becomes more rational. Do not give-in to her ultimatum – if you are not ready for marriage, you are not ready! Do not be pushed into it.
I wholeheartedly agree with your desire to live with her a year before a marriage proposal – a wise plan! If she can’t get over *her mistake* then it is a massive red flag and I wouldn’t proceed with her any further. Her actions will have demonstrated that she will let completely irrational emotions resulting from her own mistakes be the driving force in your relationship. You can’t live that way bro.
8675309fromthebl0ck − Well, you know… it’s because she has already told all of her friends about it.
SexyToasterStrudel − Huge red flag. No heathy and successful marriage starts with an ultimatum.
smolwoofer − Just out of curiosity, why didn’t you mention to her that you were safekeeping you friend’s engagement ring?
GnomeToTheDome − Let her cool off and talk to her then man. Actually have the marriage/living together conversation and then see where it goes.
ceebee6 − You mention that this is the first time in the two years you’ve been together that she’s blown up like this and acted this way. It’s two years into the relationship. You two haven’t had a talk yet about long-term plans.
I have a strong feeling she’s been wanting to progress the relationship forward, and was hoping you’d pop the question soon. Yes, it’s ridiculous that she didn’t talk about this with you. There’s a lot of things many women internalize about how a proposal “should” happen, and one of the awful things (in my opinion) is that it should be a surprise and if you have to ask about it, it’s pressuring and he doesn’t really want to be with you.
If this truly is the first time, and it seems like this reaction was out of character for who you’ve known her to be, then have a sit down conversation with her. It’s time you both addressed expectations for timelines (moving in, engagement, proposal, the question of kids, etc.) and where the relationship is heading. You both need to come to an agreement and get on the same page.
Also it’s time to talk about how you two are approaching important conversations (or not approaching them, as it seems) and communication as a whole in the relationship. She shouldn’t have stuffed it until she exploded. You also should have communicated more about your timeline since you had one set in your head for moving in, and that it was important to you. And also address that her ultimatum instead of talking to you isn’t okay.
You two have been in a two year, serious relationship. This is the first major conflict it seems, and both of you have expectations about how the relationship was to progress and timelines that were internalized and neither of you communicated about. As adults, it’s time to talk through it. And if you can’t or either of you just wants to run from trying to talk it through and resolve things together? Then you two aren’t ready for a real, adult relationship.
Being in a relationship means having different expectations, and sometimes it’s hard to navigate those moments. Do you think the girlfriend’s demand is unreasonable? How would you handle a situation like this? Share your thoughts below!