[Update] I suspect my (31f) new boyfriend (32m) may be ftm transgender

A woman shared her experience of dating a man she suspected might be a post-op FTM transgender. After a period of close connection, he suddenly distanced himself, leaving her confused and hurt. She later learned that he had a pattern of behavior in previous relationships. Read the full story below.

‘ [Update] I suspect my (31f) new boyfriend (32m) may be ftm transgender’

Summary so far: Because of some medical information disclosed to me by him, I believed my new boyfriend was post-op transgender, ftm. You wonderful folks encouraged me to continue being supportive and open, and to let him come out to me at his own leisure.

Shortly after my original post, I sent him a text letting him know I was really into him and, short of rape, m**der, or animal abuse, there wasn’t much he could tell me that would scare me away.

In person, our conversations were wonderful and deep and funny and flirty and fun. Then he’d go days and days without texting, calling, or anything. I wrote this off as him being busy (he’s a first responder with a crazy schedule) and mostly just let it go. But something felt off.

I told him if he wasn’t interested anymore that was fine, and he could just tell me. Honestly, I can handle r**ection pretty well. He got very defensive and asked where I’d get that idea.

After a particularly bad storm blew through our area, I texted him to check in, make sure he and his family were okay, etc. I got a series of one word responses, and asked if everything was okay, or if I’d done something to upset him. He said no, he just had a lot on his mind.

I told him that was fine, and that I understood, and that my anxiety was getting the best of me. I again said that if he needed to vent or talk or be distracted I was there for him. I also told him, though, that I just needed to know he was still interested in seeing me.. I got no response. For hours.

So I told him that was fine, and that I wished him the best, and that if he ever felt like he wanted to try again to hit me up. He sent me “Ok.” It really tore me up. I felt so close to him, and in person everything was so good.

Flash forward a few days and I was talking to a friend about the situation. Turns out she knows him. When I mentioned his name, she interjected “GOD, NO!” much to my confusion.

I’m at least the 3rd woman he’s done this with. Gets really close, really fast then basically drops off. So no clue what his issue is, but I’m sorry he doesn’t feel like he can trust me (or anyone else). That said, I can’t spend my life waiting for him to be ready.. Oh well, easy come, easy go.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  What a s**tty situation, I’m sorry you were on that emotional rollercoaster. I will say that you sound like a very kind and caring person. You were thoughtful to figure out the best way to approach the situation you perceived you were in, and had it been what you thought,

I think the person on the other end would feel comforted and assured that you were a safe person to disclose that information to. I’m sorry this guy sucks at life and you got duped, but there’s someone else out there that will really respect and treasure your thoughtfulness.

Rainfall_- −  Just read the original post and this was not the way I thought this was going to go whatsoever

FlyntD −  Sorry that happened to you, but you are right, there really us only so many times you can reach out for someone, make yourself vulnerable, and get blown off before it isnt worth it anymore.

HanShotF1rst226 −  You literally dated my ex bf. He was also an EMT and pulled the same s**t with an extra dose of crazy. If he’s a repeat offender I think you go off easy.

Altorrin −  I’m sorry he’s such an asshat.

blaira9 −  Wish I could meet a girl as supportive as you. I read your original post and felt for both sides, I’m a trans guy myself and it’s SCARY to let the other person know, specially if you are getting close/attached to them, because I feel like I’m going to get dropped, and my heart broken. Again.

Really sucks that it ended up this way for you, I’m really sorry, but you sound like an amazing human being and I hope the best for your future search for a partner. Cheers and have a good life, keep being such a wonderful and caring human, makes life a bit less scary since there’s people out there who cares about us.

shemakesblankets −  It sounds just like an ex of mine who had untreated bipolar disorder. Please don’t let his issues weigh on you, you handled everything perfectly.

luthervellan −  Ugh. I’ve been this person before. If he is trans, there could be many layers of anxiety and intimacy issues that are preventing him getting close to people. I myself am cis, but struggled immensely with intimacy issues. Once I started getting close to a person I would begin to feel physically sick and would ghost them.

It was a super s**tty and immature thing to do – but I hope that may give you some insight in his actions. It has NOTHING to do with you – you sound amazing! He needs to work his stuff out before he starts talking to people.

Corpsab −  Hey OP, I’ve been in a similar situation, but my guy dealt with severe fear of commitment (there’s a different word for this exactly, but I can’t think of it…) Basically, they want a relationship, all is going well, until you become too close and they just shut down because of anxiety.

It’s often caused by previous relationships or bonding problems as a baby. Look into it, it might give you insight in what happened. From my experience, if this is the case, they need some serious help before they can have a healthy relationship. Don’t wait for him, it’ll only hurt like hell

avobrien −  I just want to congratulate you on having a really healthy perspective on all of this. You rock. I hope you find someone deserving of you.

Sometimes people struggle with trust or commitment, and it can be hard to move on. Have you ever faced a situation where someone distanced themselves without explanation? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts below!