AITA for Confronting My Parents After They Announced My Engagement as a Marriage to Family Back Home?

A Reddit user shared their experience of confronting their parents after discovering they had announced the user’s engagement as a marriage to family back home. Growing up in a South Asian household overseas, the user had grown accustomed to their parents bending the truth to maintain a specific image, but this recent incident left them feeling hurt and confused. Read the full story below to explore their dilemma.

‘ AITA for Confronting My Parents After They Announced My Engagement as a Marriage to Family Back Home?’

Growing up in a South Asian household but also growing up overseas, I’ve always known my parents to prioritize maintaining a particular image within the family. They’ve often bent the truth or avoided sharing certain decisions, especially when those decisions deviate from cultural norms (my non academic awards were posed as academic etc.) I also didn’t become a dr. like they wanted but chose a safe career option so they would accept it.

It’s frustrating and hurtful, but I’ve come to accept that it’s how they navigate their world. However, a recent incident has left me feeling deeply hurt. After being in a relationship for 3 years (partner is not South Asian and follows a different religion), we decided to get engaged. I made sure my parents knew him well enough and liked him. He even asked my father for permission before proposing. We got engaged. I shared the moment on social media.

After a few weeks, I received a “congratulations on your marriage” message from a family member back home. I was confused but had a light bulb moment and asked my parents before replying. Turns out, my parents had announced to the family back home that I had gotten married, not engaged.

When I confronted them, they initially brushed it off, saying it was “best for the family” to word it that way due to cultural perceptions. Then when i didnt back down they claimed they’d gotten “excited” and accidentally used the wrong word.
Regardless of their reasoning, I was upset. It felt like they had taken my moment and reshaped it to fit their narrative, creating confusion and forcing me to explain the situation to my fiancé as well who was confused.

To make matters worse, some of my cousins who saw my engagement post first had already congratulated me before my parents’ announcement, which made the discrepancy even more glaring. My parents took my confrontation as an overreaction and being difficult (again). They wanted to give money as gift for a house but now my fiancé and I are uncomfortable accepting it. My parents have a habit of using monetary things as a compensation if they do something that is hurtful.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Outrageous-Victory18 −  NTA for confronting your parents. They went public with a lie and now they’re acting like the resulting confusion is your fault. If you want any kind of peace and independence in your future, I would advise you to graciously decline your parents’ “gift” of money towards a house. Gifts are freely given; your parents’ money has strings attached.

jennyfromtheeblock −  You have to be practical about things like this. You know your parents are phonies. Nothing will ever change that. They will never simply be proud of you for being their daughter. They are who they are. Just take the money and buy the house or invest it. Not taking the money is cutting off your nose to spite your face. You don’t have to actually forgive them or forget how they have hurt and disrespected both you and your fiancé.

But don’t leave a literal house on the table because of pride. It’s stupid and immature. This investment could set you and your partner and any kids you may have up for huge success in the future. It could mean early retirement or paid off university for kids. Your parents won’t give you honest love but they will give you this.. Choose yourself and take it.. NTA.

snarkness_monster −  “What would others think?” Probably the most common sentence used to justify dishonesty to keep up appearances. I think a lot of people can sympathize with your dilemma. NTA for confronting them. At a certain point, it gets exhausting keeping up with all the lies, and now your partner is getting dragged into the mess and will be expected to lie as well. If you want to be more independent, you should probably decline any monetary assistance. Good luck!

HP_TO −  I’m white, and having a baby with my South Asian partner and his mom thinks we’re married (we’re not even engaged). Everyone’s keeping it a secret from his dad. I feel lucky that my family doesn’t have these strict societal norms, but I respect that his family is different and this is the best path for acceptance. For example, for us to even be living together, there’s an assumption we’re married. Having a baby out of marriage is a sin they cannot fathom.

The log kya kahenge/sochenge (“what will people say/think”) is sooo strong in South Asian cultures. Again, I’m glad I don’t have to live my life with this worry, but I understand others – like your parents in their circles – do. You have every right to feel annoyed that your parents misrepresented the truth. You are living between two cultures with different expectations – and so are they, but they were raised in their more traditional culture where what people think is very real.

You don’t have to agree with their actions, but I think remembering that they’re balancing between two worlds is helpful. Give them a bit of grace, and ask them to talk to you about it beforehand next time so you’re not surprised/can come up with a way to communicate something that you feel more on board with (and good luck with that LOL – Aunties are gonna Auntie).

Divine_in_Us −  NTA. You are perfectly valid in feeling hurt because what your parents did was hurtful. But here’s the thing- Indian parents like these are nearly 90% of the population. Even my parents are like this. I got divorced. They didn’t tell their neighbors or family. When I was getting remarried, I wanted to go to India and get married in their presence but they told me not to come. Told me I had their blessings and they wanted me to be happy but absolutely refused to attend.

All because they couldn’t bring themselves to tell their neighbors that I was a divorcee and getting remarried to someone outside my community. I had a few choice words for them and then went low contact for a while for my mental health. Went to therapy to process my emotions. That was helpful. We tend to see our parents as perfect but they can be deeply flawed individuals.

Complicatedrocks −  You could have avoided the whole thing but just responding “oh I think there has been a misunderstanding, X and I have just gotten engaged. Thank you for the warm wishes it’s so lovely to be supported by my family during this exciting time”.  Then played dumb for your parents. Like obviously there was a misunderstanding since you and X are engaged.

Some_Range_9037 −  INFO I have read (mostly on this subR) that South Asian wedding are huge. Was this a side ploy for them to get off of the hook for a mega event wedding with the home friends and family? As to the money, if they have a history of pulling on the strings tied to the presents they give, I wouldn’t blame you for refusing their guilt payoff. Myself, I’m a little greed so I might keep it and use it as I see fit, but then facing up with the string pulling would be a hassle. NTA.

BriefHorror −  NTA however I’m assuming you live in a country that isn’t in South Asia. You can in fact stop talking to them.

Hari_om_tat_sat −  A slightly different take on this. I was raised outside of India with parents who rarely spoke to me in my mothertongue (except when I was in trouble, lol). It seemed to me that they constantly used the words “engaged” & “married” interchangeably & I would always be so confused.

Finally I realized that they really didn’t distinguish between the two (in english, at least) because, in my culture, an engagement is considered as unbreakable as a marriage. Thus, essentially the same thing, just at an earlier stage on the continuum. Once I looked at it like that, it silenced the cognitive dissonance in my brain, and I stopped being annoyed by it.

Another example. No matter how many times we children corrected him, my father persisted in referring to his toes as “fingers.” It annoyed and embarrassed me when he did that especially because, as a scientist, he should have been more precise in his speech. Or so I thought. Then one day the light bulb switched on. Translate fingers as “digits” (vs toes) and suddenly I realized he _was_ technically correct. Every time. Every time I felt that p**ck of irritation it was I who had been wrong, not him. Hand to forehead. Humbled.

classicsandmodernfan −  I get where you’re coming from absolutely NTA. Edit: where was spelled with 3 E’s by mistake.