My (23M) girlfriend’s (22F) diet is making her crazy. How to do I reason with her?

A Redditor seeks advice on helping his girlfriend who recently started a strict diet and is struggling with her self-esteem. Despite her healthy efforts like calorie counting and yoga, her emotional response to minor weight fluctuations has led to daily distress. He wants to support her while encouraging a healthier mindset. Read the original story below for the details.

‘ My (23M) girlfriend’s (22F) diet is making her crazy. How to do I reason with her?’

I’ll just get right to it. About 2 and a half weeks ago, my girlfriend decided that she wanted to lose weight. I have no idea how much (she won’t tell me her start weight or any of her goals), but I’m guessing it’s in the realm of 20-25 pounds. It’s no secret to me that she’s overweight, but I like her the way she is and this is the only way that I’ve ever known her.

Anyway, she signed up for that Noom program, which is basically an app for counting calories from what I understand. She eats a strict 1200 calories per day and drinks almost a gallon of water every day. In some ways it’s been good because I get a lot of home-cooked healthy dinners, but that’s beside the point.

We’ve also started going on long walks (1+ miles) every other night or so, and she picked up some yoga off YouTube. The problem is, since beginning her diet, her self esteem has spiraled out of control. She wakes up every morning and weighs herself and then tells me that she “doesn’t deserve food today because I gained .2 pounds overnight,” “eating is overrated,”

“why don’t you break up with me for someone pretty,” stuff like that. This morning, she texted me to say that she’s been waking up an extra 30ish minutes early before work so that she has time to get back in bed and cry after weighing herself so she doesn’t burst into tears at her desk “again.” It’s nuts.

I’ve done a bunch of research and even met with a dietitian (a friend of mine) on her behalf, and I’ve learned more than I probably needed to about women and hormones and how birth control affects weight loss and all that nonsense, but she won’t listen to me when I try to reason with her.

I just want to tell her that her body is in shock from the sudden adjustment in her eating habits and she needs to tough it out for 6 weeks. She doesn’t want to hear it, she’s too busy crying over a quarter of a pound and swearing up and down that she’s doomed to be u**y forever and I’m going to leave her for a “skinny legend.” I love her, I really do. How do I reason with her?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

gonetodublin −  When my anorexia was at its worst I called in sick to work multiple times because I gained 0.2lbs and I couldn’t get out of bed. She will most definitely resist help if she feels like she hasn’t lost enough weight yet. I would strongly recommend getting her therapy and reassuring her that it’s okay to eat and you’re attracted to her exactly as she is.

saltiestteacher −  I was on Noom for a few months. It wants you to weigh yourself daily the moment you get out of bed. They have daily articles they want you to read. It counts calories for you, is a pedometer, and can also track calories you’ve burned based on activity. I ended up quitting because I felt like my life was revolving around food.

I was obsessed with food and calories and constantly hungry. Weighing myself daily was also a challenge because every single weight difference was recorded on the app as well and made me feel like s**t when I went up or plateaued. Maybe encourage her to just eat healthy and not count every calorie.

Tell her you like the meals she has been making. She could just weigh in once a week instead of daily. She’ll need your support in this because it very much can lead to an eating disorder.

PiezoelectricityFew6 −  Sounds like she’s spiraling into an eating disorder. Get her into therapy. I started an eating disorder at 12 my parents didn’t really care or get me into any type of help until I nearly died at 17, and now I’m 32 and I still struggle. Even during pregnancy I was depressed with my weight.

The first thing that needs to happen is remove all scales from the house. She will continue living by that number and obsessing about it. The sooner she gets therapy the Better. Hopefully she can get help before she spirals too much. Also if she continues this you can not enable her.

The best thing that ever happened was I lost all my friends as they said they weren’t going to watch me kill myself anymore. It made me really think about my priorities. I got back into therapy and learned how to be okay.

You need to tell her she needs therapy or you can not continue this relationship and watch her destroy herself. It will be hard but I’m sure she doesn’t want to lose someone that loves her and who she loves.

zombiemeatballsamich −  Did she have something traumatic happen that would cause her to do this abrupt change? Even just a comment that was said? Your weight adjusts by 2 pounds everyday. She may gain some due to gaining muscle but still slim down. When I lose weight, it’ll drop then go up then drop even more then go up then drop even more than before.

That’s usually how it works. She needs to weigh herself once a week, not everyday. Her body is probably burning through the sugars and carbs that were stored. Bring her to the dietician and take that darn scale away. Scales don’t measure our self-worth but she’s acting like it is.

pea_sleeve −  Hello, I am a therapist. On the topic of how to suggest therapy for someone (and I do think it would help her), I would recommend that you start with your observations, express your concerns, invite her thoughts, and then let her know that you want her to feel better.

How you go about it depends on your personal communication style as well as how you communicate in the relationship – you need to be authentic. But an example would be: I noticed that you seem so stressed since you started Noom. You told me you are crying every morning and you always seem worried about your calories and changes in your daily weight.

It hurts to see you in pain and not enjoying things because of this weight loss plan. I wonder what you think about it all? Do you think Noom is working for you? Are you ok with this stress level? (listen to what she says – validate it as best you can) I feel like this is more than just the normal stress of trying to lose weight.

I know a lot of people say therapy helps (even better if you’ve been and can say it helped you or cite a specific person you know), would you be willing to go to therapy about some of these anxieties and how sad you are feeling?

I suggest you allow several days for her to think about this, even if she says no at first, don’t push the subject. If she does refuse and things worsen, I would bring it up again in a calm time and explain how it’s affecting you personally “I feel tense and worried for how you’re going to react to things,

I can’t enjoy our time together etc” Ask how long she’s willing to feel this way and be more firm that you expect her to do something to take care of herself and your relationship. Don’t make threats but let her know that you can’t live this way long term and need for something to change. Suggest therapy again, be loving, etc.

Good luck. You seem very caring and thoughtful and that makes a big difference. It’s wonderful you compliment her and tell her she looks great to you. Don’t stop, but do know that that alone can’t change how she feels. She needs to work on her self esteem and self worth, and that comes from within.

SpekyGrease −  Going from overweight to 1200kcal a day isn’t easy, it is a big lifestyle change and she will probably eventually have days with bad eating, especially after party nights. She gotta be aware it is a marathon, not a sprint, and it is okay to stumble.

On top of that losing weight isn’t linear, sometimes it stagnates, sometimes you get bloated and heavier due to more water in your system. What you could do is try to find some good educational videos online regarding losing weight. I recommend Jordan Syatt on youtube. Losing weight is simple, just be in calorie deficit, but it is in no way easy!

friendlysmokerooski −  She needs to stop weighing herself daily. Water weight alone, especially if she is drinking that much, is undoubtedly contributing to the weight swings. Have her try every Friday or once a week. Everything else that she’s doing seems reasonable (in terms of diet and exercise).

I’d give her a ton of reinforcement and do your best to be supportive and encouraging. COVID, hormones, and maybe other stuff could all be contributing to her lack of self esteem and her resulting depressive behavior.

Curious-Duck −  Show her people’s graphs from myfitness pal app about how you lose weight. It isn’t linear, it goes up and down due to things like water retention and hormones, but as long as the trend is going down over time, it’s all good!!!

I’ve gone up as much as 5 lbs in 1 day and then lost it all plus more in a day and a half eating at 1300. She definitely needs to talk to a therapist, but I also think she should learn more about other people’s experiences and how EVERYONE goes up and down.

WhelveLady −  Tell her to use a measuring tape instead of a scale. I know rhats not helping her mentally but in the end, scales are not great. She should see a therapist to help her mentally. You can also tell her/show her how much you like her physique.

Smellie305 −  This is a tough one, and I’m sure many people have been in your spot and her spot before. There may be some good resources online that could help, or maybe even some books about these types of situations.

Sounds like your girlfriend has some serious self-esteem issues that need to be worked through. The worry is that if she continues this way, it could turn into an unhealthy eating disorder because if she doesn’t view herself in a positive way even now, it may remain that way even when she becomes slimmer.

Have you guys talked about or has she brought up therapy? Perhaps your dietician friend knows of therapists that specialize in eating disorders? Therapy, for many reasons, has always helped me so I strongly suggest it! It may also help your girlfriend see herself in a more healthy way, so that this journey of hers is a positive and healthy one rather than an unhealthy and negative one.

Something else you could remind her of is that if she’s eating healthy and working out, she could be gaining muscle so she may tone out and look slimmer, but not lose weight or even gain weight. Rather than her weighing herself as a measure to see if she’s lost weight, perhaps suggest a certain outfit she can have as a goal outfit…

you know like maybe some jeans that are a bit tight right now and every once in a while she can try them on and see how they fit to determine if she’s lost inches. That’s how I do it!

I also suggest she either throw away the scale or wait until she feels confident enough that she won’t cry regardless of her weight before she weighs herself again. Those are my tips. Hopefully they help to some degree!

What would you suggest to help his girlfriend achieve a healthy relationship with her body and weight loss journey? Should he encourage professional guidance, or is there another way to support her emotional well-being? Share your thoughts and advice below!