How do I (F27) tell my boyfriend (M29) that I’m not going to cancel my birthday dinner? Am I wrong for not wanting to cancel ?

A Reddit user is struggling with the fact that their birthday and their boyfriend’s late girlfriend’s anniversary fall on the same day. Their boyfriend, still grieving, wants them to cancel their birthday plans with their family to be there for him.

The user feels torn between supporting her boyfriend and maintaining her tradition of celebrating her birthday with her family, especially given her elderly grandmother’s health. The situation is causing tension, and the user is seeking advice on how to navigate the conflict without hurting anyone’s feelings.

‘ How do I (F27) tell my boyfriend (M29) that I’m not going to cancel my birthday dinner? Am I wrong for not wanting to cancel?’

For context: My boyfriend loss his previous girlfriend to cancer in 2016. I’m his first relationship since she passed away. In a sad coincidence, my birthday and the anniversary of his previous GF passing away are the exact same date. We have been together for 10 months so this is the first of my birthdays since we got together.

My birthday is next weekend and as every year my parents want me to visit them for my birthday and have dinner together with my grandma. I’m only child and so is my mom, so I’m grandma’s only grandchild, so they always insist in celebrating my birthday together even thought I’m an adult and I live in another city.

When I told my boyfriend about my plans and asked him to visit my parents with me he got mad at me for planning a birthday dinner with my parents on the same date his GF passed away. I felt like an i**ot for not thinking about that, and I felt bad so I told him he didn’t have to come if he didn’t felt comfortable going to a dinner in that date, that I was going alone.

He still got mad at me for planning to leave him alone in that date. He insisted I cancelled the plans with my parents. At first I felt really bad thinking about leaving him alone in what is a hard day for him, so I agreed to cancel the dinner. But later when I was about to call my parents to cancel it I decided against it.

My grandma is 95 years old, I don’t know for how much longer she is going to be with us, and I don’t want to regret cancelling a chance to see her because I don’t see her very often and she would be heartbroken if I cancel.

Besides my birthday and her anniversary are obviously going to fall on the same date every year, so if I accept cancelling now he might expect me to do that every year and I don’t want to stop celebrating my birthday.

How do I tell my boyfriend I change my mind about cancelling my birthday dinner without making it look as if I don’t care about his feelings? Also, am I wrong for not wanting to cancel, I know that day must be horrible for him.. ​

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

helloperoxide −  It’s only been 10 months you’re together. I’d go see your family. How has he coped the past couple of years?

neonsk1es −  I think after 4 years, it’s a lot to ask for you to cancel your birthday plans. It’s one thing if he isn’t ready to celebrate on a day like that and opts out of the plans and celebrates with you at a later date (if that was a compromise), but demanding you cancel so you can comfort him suggests that he’s not ready to be in another relationship.

[Reddit User] −  I’m going to be blunt here. Your boyfriend is not over his ex’s d**th and he shouldn’t be dating anyone. It’s one thing if he told you that he couldn’t go and why and that he’d make it up to you, but he’s actively telling you that you too must be in mourning for his dead girlfriend and not to celebrate your birthday with your family.

That’s walking its way into being more controlling of you than he or anyone has any right to be. His trauma does not forfeit your happiness. I’m sorry, I know that sounds cold, but really this is solved by him not dating anyone until he’s really ready to do so fully and not expect you or anyone else to put their life and plans on hold, because he isn’t over something yet.

Go have that dinner, enjoy it and your family. Do not let anyone isolate you from them just because of their own issues. Seriously, they deserve to see you and celebrate with and you deserve someone who wants to celebrate being with YOU and them. And that’s not this guy.

Tell him he needs to see a therapist, but you also have a family you want to spend time with and won’t always have. And you had nothing to do with his ex’s d**th and you aren’t going to live in that shadow. And you go. He has a right to be upset and sad about the day.

He doesn’t have a right to control what you do on that day, just because you’re dating him. You tell him exactly what you told Reddit here about why you’re going and then you go. Your grandmother doesn’t deserve to have her heart broken either by this guy and that’s basically what he’s asking you.

So communicate that clearly and stand firm in your decision. If he can’t handle that then he clearly isn’t ready to date in the first place, something I think his actions already are showing you.

farsighted451 −  I’ve lost a spouse. Everyone grieves differently, but if you can’t handle other people going on living, then you aren’t ready for a new relationship. I’m sorry for you both. Please make sure you see your grandma.

scvrie −  Girl, my dad killed himself on the same date (two years ago) as my current boyfriend’s birthday. I didn’t dedicate the whole day to mourning my father..a friend called to check in and we chatted for about an hour. After that I spent the whole day celebrating his birthday!!

Celebrating someone who is alive is much more fun than mourning someone who is dead… I have all year to do that LOL. He sounds like someone who wants to sit in his sadness. Do not give up your birthday for him.

random_lurker2020 −  Advise my mom gave me after my dad died. The date of his d**th is going to come around every year. Don’t let the least important day of his life become a burden to yours. Celebrate his life, don’t memorialize his d**th. Spend the day with your family.

SJoyD −  This is going to come out really uncaring, but he shouldn’t really be leaning on you for his grief about the d**th of his ex. He doesn’t want to go out that day? Fine. But asking you to cancel your plans is pretty asinine. As you said, your birthday is going to fall on the same day every year.

If that day still strikes him that hard this far down the road, he’s not really ready for a relationship and should probably consider some grief counseling. I think you just tell him “I know this upsets you, but I can’t cancel my plans with my family. These are long standing plans that I have with them every year.

It’s fine with me if you don’t want to go but I will be going.” He’s going to react how ever he reacts. If he breaks up with you because of this maybe he’ll get the help he needs.

Jrxibell −  It is totally reasonable for him to not want to go with you on such a painful day for him. It is not reasonable that he demand you also forego celebrating your own birthday. What’s his support system like? Is he close with his family? Does he have good friends he can lean on?

weewooweeuwu −  Yikes so what you just never get a birthday again?

fermat1432 −  He is out of line.