UPDATE: My [20] fiance’s [27m] behavior while online gaming is destroying our relationship

The user provides an update on her relationship with her fiancé, whose gaming obsession escalated into violent behavior. After uncovering he had quit his job to game full-time and enduring a physical altercation, she courageously left the relationship with the support of a domestic violence center and her cousin. She’s now prioritizing her safety and rebuilding her life.

‘ UPDATE: My [20] fiance’s [27m] behavior while online gaming is destroying our relationship’

I spent a few days thinking about what others had said, and ended up reaching out to my cousin who I am quite close with and telling her a watered-down version of events. She expressed some concern and agreed that I should speak with fiance’s brother.

Fiance continued acting the same (no surprises there)in terms of gaming, with the yelling and late nights. That Sunday (several days after posting here) he became very upset because I went out to lunch with a few girls from school

and he called me 4 times because he wanted me to pick up a takeout pizza and a case of beers and was upset and yelling at me, accusing me of being selfish because I didn’t leave my girls lunch to get them. I got them on the way home and was met with accussations of being selfish and even cheating because I was ‘late’ and the beer was the wrong kind.

I just shut down and went into the bathroom and cried for a while. I knew that something really needed to change. The next day fiance left for work and I left for school just as usual.

I called fiance’s brother during my break between school and work and I basically told him that I had noticed some concerning behavior around the video games and that I was worried that it might spiral like the drugs and alcohol had.

Fiance’s brother pretty much agreed and stated he thinks fiance has an ‘addictive personality’ and might need some kind of professional help for this. Then, to my shock, he told me that fiance was *at his house* and asked if I wanted to speak with him. I was extremely taken aback because fiance was meant to be at work.

I hung up with fiance’s brother and called fiance’s workplace. I was extremely nervous and felt like I was doing something sneaky and horrible, but I needed to know what was going on. I spoke with his manager and learned that he had QUIT his job weeks ago!!

He told his manager his dad had a medical emergency and he had to move across the state to take care of him. WTF! So I guess he would just leave the house and fake going to work on the days he said he was working. After work I went home and fiance was gaming.

I told him that we needed to talk and he tried to shut me down because he was in the middle of a match. He finally agreed to mute the game so he could hear me. I was literally shaking at this point and told him that I was worried about his gaming destroying the relationship.

I said that I was seeing a pattern with the pills, the drinking, and the gaming. I said that I was worried about going through with the marriage when he treats me like a servant and is so disrespectful towards me and our apartment. At this point he unmuted the game and started ignoring me again.

So I did something stupid and stood in front of the TV and said that I knew about him quitting his job to game all day. He FLIPPED OUT. He got violent and pushed me away from the TV. There was a lot of hitting and kicking (hit me with the controller).

I got outside and was standing in the wet pavement with socks on for an hour or so as he locked the door behind me. He eventually came and apologized. He offered to get uber eats and watch a movie. I literally felt sick. I locked myself in the bathroom and just cried and looked at my county’s domestic violence help page.

He literally just kept gaming until I went to sleep. The next day I couldn’t go to school because I had a bad black eye, it was not something I could explain away. I wanted to just disappear. I got on the bus and went to the women’s center. My cousin met me there and she was speechless at how bad I looked.

I was very adament that I don’t want to press charges or anything, I just needed help with the next steps of getting away. The social worker there was so nice and helpful, and didn’t judge me at all. She helped me figure out how to get my stuff out of the apartment (cousin’s husband and his friend went)

and sat with my while I drafted and sent fiance a text stating that I cannot be with or marry someone who treats me this way. He called me nearly 20 times during the time I was at the center. I didn’t answer the phone and the social worker encouraged me to block his number.

For the short term I am staying with my cousin and her husband and I’m working on finding an apartment. Next month I’m meeting with a counselor who treats people who have escaped domestic violence through the center. I still feel hurt, sad, confused, and like I’m living in a nightmare.

But for the past week or so I haven’t been screamed at, sworn at, or had any of my things broken. I’ve also gone to bed before 11 every night. Someone on here sent me a PM saying that they thought fiance’s behavior would escalate to him hurting or even killing me and they were right, so I’m just glad I was able to get away when I did.

I don’t expect this to get a ton of attention but pretty much no one in my real life knows how bad it was and I just wanted to put this out here.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

arrogantsob −  Take a picture of the black eye. Keep it for the future, if you’re ever feeling nostalgic, to remind yourself how he was willing to hurt you.

Lozt_at_sea −  Press charges. If you don’t he will spiral more and either come after you or do the same/worse to another woman that may not even be a strong as you to leave him. He hit you and thinks he got away with it so I guarantee he will do it again.

Boba_Fettuccine_44 −  You sound like a very intelligent, well rounded 20 year old. You did EVERYTHING right in this situation. Some people need to hit rock bottom before they can change, I dont think he’s there yet.

If he tries anything else, consider getting a restraining order. You will be glad you never married this c**ep, you are going to make some guy that deserves you very happy someday.

FireWisp −  Take photos of your face and bruises. Keep those photos in a safe place. Make copies. Have a friend keep a set. Once you heal, your ex will spin some BS story and it will be your word against his. Also, see if you can file a police report even if you don’t press charges. You NEED a paper trail!

If he stalks you, getting a restraining order will he that much harder because “how bad could it be if you didn’t report it before?” Also, get in to your Doctor and get it documented with him/her as well.

Thlithery-Thnaaake −  Thank you for telling us this. This is an awful thing to have happened to you and you don’t deserve it one bit. It was extremely brave what you did. A lot of people have a hard time leaving the people who hurt them and I’m so glad you got out and had support. If anyone else is in this situation and reading this please get help from somebody, or a help Center like this person did.

belletheballbuster −  I’m glad you got out and you’re safe.

[Reddit User] −  You got out it with a minimum of harm, and got out of a prison sentence that would of been your life with him. And you did that because you are a better person than you may give yourself credit for. You are only very young and you have the rest of your life to look forward too.

Please don’t let this experience be your guiding moment as to what the rest of your life will be like. Learn from it, cry over it, but please work on getting over it. The nightmare will end soon enough, so take some time now to look after yourself – take a break from school for a semester or two if you feel like you cant give it your all.

School and studies will still be there when you get back, but right now, you need to rest up and heal. Look at yourself in the mirror and promise yourself that you will get over this, and come out the other end a braver, smarter, wiser young woman.

You have faced and dealt with something that most people would never dream of facing, and you did everything you could and came out the other end. Talk it through with your counsellor; keep a diary where you can put down all of your thoughts and fears and share it with them.

Some people find it cathartic to get all the mess of thoughts and ramblings that are now running through your head out onto a piece of paper. It will help you make sense of the crap that you have just gone through. But above all else, know that you survived and that you are stronger than you may give yourself credit for.

Take your time, heal and get better and learn the lesson you just unwittingly signed up for. You’ll get better and be a better person. So just take care of yourself.

askmydemons −  I was in this very same situation. I was with my EX FIANCÉ for 5 years. He was like this after the first year. My advice, and this may seem harsh, but run now. People don’t change and it’s been a year now that we’ve been broken up and he’s still doing the same things with the video games as he did when we were together.

I moved states because of how possessive he was and he followed me promising me he’d change. But he always promised me he would stop and he would, (for a few days) then pick up right where he left off. I know leaving is hard, so hard, but you deserve better. We both do.

I didn’t leave overnight but now looking back I wish I had left sooner. It’s crazy the things we will look past when we love someone.

[Reddit User] −  My ex was/is addicted to video games. He hid it well from me for the first year of our relationship due to us working opposite schedules. I was left raising a baby on my own. I’m talking taking baby to daycare on his days off because I walked in on a 3 month old laying on the ground while he was on his computer gaming and getting drunk.

Save yourself the headache and just walk away for good. Sorry he got violent with you.y ex and I were very toxic with one another before the baby, then I got myself help and ignored him until I could move out.. Edited typo from tasing to raising

algelb −  I’m so proud of you for getting out, and so glad. This man truly is horrible all over and life will be so much better without him. Stay strong!