AITA for declining to celebrate Christmas with my boyfriend’s family and not inviting him to my family’s celebration?

A Reddit user (19F), currently studying in the UK, shares a dilemma about her relationship with her boyfriend (23M). When he invited her to spend Christmas with his family, she declined, wanting to be with her own family in South Dakota due to homesickness.

However, after he booked a flight to visit her family, she told him she wasn’t ready for him to meet them, partly due to concerns about her family’s possible racist comments. This led to a falling out, with him feeling hurt and distant. Now, she wonders if she was wrong to handle the situation the way she did. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for declining to celebrate Christmas with my boyfriend’s family and not inviting him to my family’s celebration?’

For context, I (19F) am from the United States and currently a second-year university student in the UK. My boyfriend (23M) is British, recently finished his master’s, and is now working. We’ve been dating for 10 months, and he’s my first boyfriend. He’s been nothing but understanding, kind, and supportive throughout our relationship. I’ve met his parents and siblings twice, and both times were wonderful. His mom even told him she thinks I’m “the one.”

In late November, he asked if I’d like to spend Christmas with his family. He said everyone would love to have me there, and I thought it was sweet, but I declined. I’ve been feeling homesick and wanted to spend Christmas, a holiday that means a lot to me, with my family in South Dakota. When I told him, he seemed aloof for a few days.

I went to his flat later to reassure him that I’d love to visit his family another time, but for me, Christmas is a family holiday. I now realize how that could’ve sounded dismissive. He looked hurt and asked, “Do you still love me?” and “Aren’t I your family?” I reassured him that I do love him, and things seemed fine after that.

About a week later, he surprised me by showing me a flight he’d booked to South Dakota for Christmas. Flights to South Dakota are expensive, especially internationally, and while the gesture was touching, I thought it was impulsive and unwise. I told him it wasn’t a good idea.

For the first time, he got really upset, accusing me of not caring about him, not being serious about us, and thinking only of myself—all of which are untrue. I love him and value our relationship deeply. Knowing he was speaking out of hurt, I asked him to take a walk to cool off.

When he returned, I explained that he means everything to me, but I wasn’t ready for him to meet my family. To be honest, I’m nervous about how my family would react. I’m white, he’s Arab, and my family in rural South Dakota is not exposed to diversity. They’ve made ignorant, r**ist comments in the past.

While they’d likely be polite to his face, I fear they might say something offensive or “jokingly” inappropriate. They also assume Arab = Muslim, even though he’s Christian. This ignorance embarrasses me, and I don’t want to put him in a situation where he might be hurt.

I didn’t tell him any of this, though. Instead, I said I felt it was too soon to “bring someone home,” as in my family, that’s often a precursor to engagement (which is true). He asked if he wasn’t “good enough,” and I reassured him that he’s perfect.
He then mentioned that the tickets were non-refundable. I started crying, apologizing for wasting his money and saying how much I wanted him there, just not right now. He asked me to leave and said he needed space.

I flew back home nearly a week ago, and since then, we’ve only had brief phone conversations. He still texts me “I love you” and “Good night,” but he’s clearly distant and hurt. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to fix this or reassure him.. So, AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

SparkleSelkie −  NTA for what you did, but YTA for not explaining why. Everyone is different in their timelines, but after dating for 10 months it’s pretty normal to want to meet the family of your partner. I totally get why you didn’t want him to come, but he doesn’t get it because you didn’t explain it.

He probably feels like it’s because of him (instead of it being because of your family), and I can see that being really hurtful. Especially if he’s the kind of guy who is close with his family. It’s totally bonkers to just book an international flight without checking with you though. Like dude what are you doing.

Newgirlkat −  I’m going with ESH. You’re NINETEEN, live life a little. I’m not saying you can’t meet the love of your life at that age. You could have met that person when you were 10 and still not be in the path for marriage at 19. You’ve been together for 10 MONTHS, his mom telling him you could be THE ONE? At 19??

I know he’s 23 and the difference is not big but every reaction he’s had and argument you have quoted he told you, sounds m**ipulative to me. I could be wrong but he could be hurt without throwing the “am I not important? Am I not your family?” I’m so sorry but at 10 months calling himself your family sounds weird.

You could have told him that you didn’t want him to come because of your family’s prejudice and ignorance, that you can’t change them and you don’t want to expose him to that, and that would have been a sufficient explanation. But I still can’t get over the fact that him being 23 thinks he’s “family” to a 19 year old girlfriend of ten months… And the things he’s stated… Sound a little too intense for me. May be too cynical of me but my experience tells me the wording… Rings some alarm bells.

You’re still a teenager albeit for a short time, but you’re SO young, take time to live YOUR life, with boyfriend or no boyfriend take time to know YOU, who YOU are as an adult who’s starting the path of adulthood. ETA: 2 awards, wow, thank you guys ☺️ (now 3! Thank you!)

ptheresadactyl −  Bold of him to book non-refundable plane tickets without talking to you. Pretty huge red flag, tbh. You’ve been together 10 months, he needs to chill the f**k out. This seems controlling and c**ngy. When you get back you need to be honest with him that you weren’t sure your family would behave, and ALSO that you felt him buying tickets was presumptive and moving too fast. You’re 19. You don’t need to rush things and he needs to respect your boundaries.

Jyqm −  NTA, but with a caveat. First, it’s clear that you bother are very important to each other, and that Christmas is also important to each of you though perhaps in different ways. A big part of what’s going on here is a communication problem of the sort that is common early in a relationship. (And — and this is important here — it is in fact still *early* in your relationship!) Let’s start with two ways in which you are very much not the a**hole, but he is:

1. He invited you to spend Christmas with his family. You declined by saying that you wanted to spend Christmas with your own family this year, not least because you are living abroad and have been away from them for many months. This is totally fair! Might be different if you were in a long-term relationship and making decisions about to build a life together and juggle obligations to two families living halfway across the globe from each other, but that’s not the case here — you’ve not even been dating a year! His response, which was to try to make you feel guilty by passive-aggressively accusing you of not loving him, was firmly in a**hole territory.

2. He booked a (non-refundable!) flight to your hometown without consulting with you first. You are absolutely right to describe this as “impulsive and unwise” on his part. This was *not* an effort on his part to show you that he loves and cares about you, but instead to assert himself and dictate the terms of your relationship. Frankly, it was a m**ipulative attempt to force what he apparently considers an all-important issue (spending your first Christmas together).

He went behind your back rather than sit down and have an open and honest conversation with you about your relationship both with him and with your family. And now he can sit home and consider whether it was really worth however many hundreds of pounds to learn that lesson. ETA: Comment continued below, as I think Reddit decided the whole thing was too long to post all in one.

chazza79 −  To be honest he sounds kind of m**ipulative…and as it’s your first relationship maybe you don’t know any better. 10 months is not a super long time…I’m assuming you’re not living together yet either? He just invited himself to YOUR family Christmas without running it past you, then starts acting petulant when you say it’s not a good idea! You are in a partnership… he is acting like a child right now. Stand up for yourself girl. NTA.

Tally0987654321 −  YTA If this is a long term relationship you should tell your family about it, or risk BF thinking you’re ashamed of him. You should tell your BF about your family and LET HIM DECIDE if he’s ok with the r**ist culture shock he may be in for. The way you left it, he is incredibly hurt because you’re too weak to tell him the truth.

Also, this may be a great way for your family to be exposed to diversity and perhaps see your BF as a great guy. It’s awkward for sure, but things are better when dealt with honestly. BF should have asked you first, but the fact you weren’t honest with him, he didn’t really have all the info to not make a bad decision here. He may have interpreted that you wanted to be with him on Christmas, but needed to see your family, so he went with that.

TranslatorFriendly32 −  LEAVE! He’s 23 and your first boyfriend. he’s trying to manipulate you and pressure you. a man you’ve been with for 10 months is NOT your family. him also ignoring your wishes and buying a ticket for an international trip without clearing it with you was an attempt to make you feel bad and get used to having your decisions rolled over. live a little more.

RivSilver −  ESH. I agree with the other commenters that you need to be honest about your family. But also, you’ve only been together for 10 months and him jumping straight to “but don’t you love me” in response to your No is very concerning. That’s emotionally m**ipulative, and the fact that you go straight to reassuring him that he’s “everything” to you makes me think this isn’t the first time he’s done it.

Be honestv with yourself, how often does he push back on your No and make you feel guilty for it? How often do you hide your real reasons for things and try to give an answer that you think sounds better? Both of those things are really unhealthy in a relationship, as is going all the way to “he’s my everything” less than a year in.

Rohini_rambles −  Thisnisnyour first relationship and it shows!!! You need to stop protecting this man. Your family iis r**ist. You need to acknowledge that.  You need HIM to know that about you. You need to be honest…. you are creating so much hurt because you think you know better than him. You are telling  this man you’re not sure he’s rood enough for your family, when in reality you don’t want to expose hom to their n**ty comments.

He needs to make the choice of wehteh hee will tolerate his partner having r**ist family members, Orr if that is a deal breaker and a kind of ignorance he doesn’t want to have to deal with.  You are disrespecting him by assuming has never had to face racism before amd doesn’t know how he feels about it or how to handle it. You are making decisions for him without talking tto him.

You’re lying to him about why you do t want him to meet your family and that’s a slippery slope. Bbe honest with him. Let him know what your family iss like. He deserves to know the truth, and make an informed choice whether to continue this relationship or not. Otherwise you’re dating an idea, not a real person who has thoughts and feelings and can make decisions. 

old_mates_slave −  NTA. He should have asked you before he bought the tickets. That part is on him. Even though you both love each other deeply, 10mths at 19 years old isn’t really that long and your hesitancy at such a major introduction to your family at Christmas and with the complexities you mentioned, is perfectly reasonable. If you’re both meant to be forever, then waiting another year for an invite to your family gathering shouldn’t be that big a deal. All in good time.

A slowly slowly, taking your time approach with relationships is much wiser than a rush into everything as quick as possible in the early stages and wonder why it dies off or implodes after a few years approach. Try not to focus on him while you’re there, enjoy your Christmas and time with your family before you go back. These things are better discussed face to face than over text or phone.