My mum dumped my siblings on me and ghosted. I have no idea what to do.

A 23-year-old man found himself suddenly responsible for his four younger siblings after their mother, who struggles with severe bipolar disorder, abandoned them at his door. With limited space, resources, and no clear way to contact their mother, he’s doing his best to care for them while feeling overwhelmed. He’s looking for advice on how to navigate this situation. Read his full story below.

‘ My mum dumped my siblings on me and ghosted. I have no idea what to do.’

Yeah. This is a d**zy. I’ve been trying to post it since it happened but just haven’t really been able to process it. So I’m 23M, and I’m the oldest of five siblings, the others are 16M, 14F, 10F and 10M. Our mother is severely bipolar but very resistant to treatment and, to be frank, is an absolutely s**t mother.

I’ve done my best my whole life to raise my siblings since she clearly isn’t going to, and I like to think I’ve done quite well. I managed to keep them out of the Care system most of the time, at least. Two years ago, I finally moved out of my mum’s house and started university.

I stayed in the same town incase the kids needed me, but I decided I had to start putting myself first a little bit and I couldn’t keep putting off my own life because my mum is a failure as a parent, you know? With the exception of a few minor incidents, it’s actually gone rather a lot more smoothly than I thought thus far. I currently have a house with two other students from my uni, though one is currently back in her hometown for the lockdown.

So, the problem. Yesterday, there was a knock on the door around noonish. I wasn’t expecting anyone but figured maybe it was the postman or my flatmate had ordered out for his lunch or whatever and opened it. To my shock, all four siblings are stood on the doorstep looking about as confused as I felt.

16yo informed me that Mum had dropped them off here without saying why or where she was going, and she was in the middle of a pretty intense manic episode and was just sort of rambling nonsenically instead of answering any questions. Of course I wasn’t going to abandon the kids so I let them in and have been trying desperately to get hold of mum ever since.

I know she’s getting my texts because I’ve been sending them on WhatsApp and it’s showing me she’s reading them. Also, when I call, it’s ringing two or three times and then cutting out so she’s clearly seeing the calls coming in and rejecting them, rather than it ringing out. I’ve tried reaching out to her friends with very similar results.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the space for 4 kids in the house and it’s *so* unfair to my housemate (though bless his soul he’s an absolute angel of a guy and keeps telling me not to worry and he’s fine with it). I currently have the girls staying in other housemates vacant room (with her permission) and the boys are in my room with me.

Obviously not ideal. I also frankly can’t afford to take care of 4 kids all by myself. No idea what groceries are gonna look like from here on out. The kids haven’t brought many belongings with them, so they don’t have many clean clothes.

16M and probably 14F can get away with wearing my clothes if it comes to it, but I have no idea how I’m gonna clothe the twins if they’re here for more than a few days. I don’t want the kids going into the system if I can avoid it, I’ve had too many traumatic experiences with it myself. Can anyone wiser and calmer than I am offer some advice on what my options are here?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Desert_Fairy −  Call CPS, your siblings have something you didn’t have when you were part of the system. You. CPS will see an adult sibling as a godsend. If you can point out what you would need to care for them until your mom can be brought back out of her manic episode, they will probably try to provide it.

That might include mom in medical care and you taking the kids home and caring for them there along with financial assistance to cover for groceries. Nothing special, but the goal isn’t for you to become a parent, the goal is for your mom to get treatment. Focus on giving the CPS a solution that makes sense.. Good luck.

Update: mother of goodness this comment blew up. Thank you everyone for the awards. I hope OP can find the help he is seeking and that he and his siblings do well.

NotQuiteAsCool −  If this is in the UK and you need help ASAP, give me a message. My mum works for the social services, a manager who sends them out where they are needed so I could get some expert advice and send it through to you.. Good luck friend.

[Reddit User] −  **You call the cops and report child a**ndonment. Call CPS or the local equivalent and do the same.** If this is the UK, call Social Services, your local authority (the council), or ring the NSPCC and ask for who to call locally.

This doesn’t mean they’ll take the kids into care, but it starts the “help” ball rolling.

That is necessary (1) to start the legal and social-services processes (2) it covers your ass, so you won’t get cops on your door because mum claims you are a kidnapper or that the kids are runaways or some such madness.

(3) the cops can to do a welfare check on mum, they may be able to get her on an involuntary hold in a mental hospital (4) And it will be the beginning of people giving you professional advice. If you DO keep the kids, she will have to pay child support, for example. And social services may be able to chip in a bit too.

Also contact your university and tell them you may need them to cut you some slack this term/semester while you deal with this s**t. Worst comes to the worst you may need to defer for a year. Ask if they have ideas on alternative accommodation that WOULD fit them – even if temporary.

AND DO NOT LET ANYONE GUILT YOU INTO RUINING YOUR LIFE FOR THEM, however much you love them, don’t throw away your life. The hardest part will be doing all this without making the kids think you’re trying to get rid of them and making them feel even more unloved and a burden than they doubtless already do. Don’t forget to try and have a bit of “well this is all fun” with them, however massively hard that will be.. Good luck.

**DON’T PANIC – There are many many systems in place to help you** TLDR call the authorities and listen to their advice. They are depressingly well experienced in this.

pettymonkeybird −  So, speaking from experience: When I was 20, I had the same thing happen with siblings that were 14F, 11F, 10M, 8M. I had moved out as soon as I turned 18 and felt guilty about it, but also wanted to put myself first. However, my dad’s a druggie and my mom is…. empty from years of abuse, is the best I can explain it.

I called CPS and explained everything. The kids were placed in a temp home while I got my Relative Foster certification. The trouble I had was that I then had a limited amount of time to find a different place to live as my one bedroom apartment didn’t have enough rooms to pass inspection.

But I found a three bedroom that did, even though I couldn’t really afford the rent and it had cockroaches (I hate bugs so much, ugh but I was able to eventually hire exterminators and life is much better lol).

The state provided for their medical bills, I get a small check on each kid every month that covers food and helps me keep up with the rent (don’t expect to make money, lol kids are expensive af), they get clothing vouchers twice a year that help with that, and they have free therapy which was definitely needed.

I’m not going to tell you that it isn’t hard, because it is. I had to stop dating for a couple years because most 20-something guys don’t want to jump into a relationship with someone raising a bunch of kids, much less teenagers.

There may be nights where you cry yourself to sleep because, as much as you may love them, it isn’t a responsibility that you really asked for and it’s hard. Especially on top of school. But if you want to put in the sacrifices and effort, it gets easier. I tell you this, 3 years later and I’m much better at being a mom than I ever thought I would be.

It’s still hard, don’t get me wrong. I had to take a year off school because at first the transition was too much because the kids were lashing out and felt abandoned and unloved. I don’t regret the sacrifices I made, but it’s important that you know all of it before you make your choice.

There is also the possibility of you finishing your degree and then taking them on, just depends on how long you’re comfortable with them being in foster care. You also don’t have to take them, it’s ok if you can’t. It’s ok if you know that you’re too young to. I don’t want you to feel like you have to.

They’ll understand when they’re older, I know they will (I have twin sister that wasn’t able to handle it, and the kids don’t hate her although the youngest still doesn’t completely get why she didn’t help, the older ones do).

It’s ok to think about it, it’s ok to cry about it, and regardless of what you decide, feel free to message me if you need to talk about it or talk it out while you’re choosing. No option is easy, and no option comes without sacrifices or the “what if” thoughts. But whatever you do, it’ll be ok. Sorry this was such a long response!

Edit: Thanks for all the rewards guys! I didn’t expect that, but thank y’all! And thanks for all the kind comments from everyone. Lots of love!!!

Whoopygberg −  Can I order you guys pizza?

UpstairsCulture −  Definitely call CPS to protect yourself and get some assistance covering costs and looking into some financial assistant programs. They’re all old enough that you don’t have to spend every second watching them, definitely employ the help of your older siblings to take care of the younger ones.

The 16 year old could get a small part time job while the 14 year old baby sits. Getting them enrolled in school and on a lunch assistance program will allow you time during the day to go to class and help with at least one less meal you have to pay for. Goodwill clothes are better than no clothes. This is only if you decide to take on this extremely large responsibility, you are not a bad person if you decide you cannot handle it.

ottoneurseolo −  Call the cops and CPS on you mom for child a**ndonment. This will protect them and you from you mom trying to fabricate a story later on. Do you have any other relatives that can help you out with this as well? You can keep them out of the foster care system whether they stay with you or another relative. Your mom will owe you child support for this if it comes to that.

uhnehsa −  Maybe go back to your place and see what is left, clothes/food etc and snoop around the house in case there’s any hidden cash. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s gonna be hard for a couple of weeks, but I promise a solution will come up and it will be okay 🙁

suckerfishbeaut −  And breathe. I am so sorry you are going through this. You know her episode will pass, it is going to take time. I would start with immediate concerns: food. Is there enough, if not can you call a family friend for help maybe get 3 or 4 days worth to keep you going?

I think you are going to have to get authorities involved, she may be a risk to herself and clearly needs some help. Are you able to all stay in the family home until things settle?? That way clothing issues are easier. I am by no means an expert in this area but I didn’t want to be silent, supporting you from the sidelines OP, you have to trust your gut and give yourself time to get your head around this. Good luck! ❤️

[Reddit User] −  Sounds like you’re in the UK? Phone the police non emergency line and tell them everything. There’s two parts to this 1) the kids need looking after and 2) your mum needs help, probably under mental health act legislation.

The police can track down your mum and detain her, and also ask social services to give you emergency help. This doesn’t mean they have to go into care, that’s a last resort for them especially with the lockdown.

But they will be able to sort out living arrangements, food, etc. and when your mum is better, they *should* provide ongoing support to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again, even if they need a CTO to make sure she takes her meds, attends appointments in the community etc.

As for uni, if they’re still providing distance learning, let your course organiser know even if it’s a vague email right now saying you have a family emergency, to make sure you aren’t penalised. They all get that corona is causing major problems in people’s home lives so won’t ask too many questions, and if you want support uni’s often have financial and mental health aid available.

Feel free to DM me if you need any more specific advice for your area and I can try to help out! I’m familiar with the mental health system and less familiar with child protection but have a little experience

This situation highlights the challenges of sudden responsibility and the weight of familial obligation. What steps would you take if faced with a similar scenario? How can one balance personal goals while stepping up for loved ones? Share your thoughts and advice below!