UPDATE: When I 34f told boyfriend 36m I frequently feel judged/scrutinized by him he told me there are “millions of things” he doesn’t say. Do I need to change my perspective or are we incompatible?

A Redditor provided an update about their journey of realizing the emotional toll their relationship had taken. After enduring years of criticism, gaslighting, and passive-aggressive behavior, they discovered their partner had been lying, cheating, and hiding substance use. Therapy has helped them recognize toxic patterns and prioritize their own well-being. Now, they’re preparing to end the relationship for good. Read the full story below for their empowering reflection.

‘ UPDATE: When I 34f told boyfriend 36m I frequently feel judged/scrutinized by him he told me there are “millions of things” he doesn’t say. Do I need to change my perspective or are we incompatible?’

First, thank you to everyone who responded to my original post. I remember exactly how confused and mentally exhausted I was at that point. Reading the responses and having my feelings validated by a bunch of internet strangers gave me the confidence to know I wasn’t being too sensitive (f that). It also got me out of a constant state of rumination about what was happening to me and why I felt so off and not myself and led me to act.

I told him I wanted space and that if we were both trying our best and our relationship felt like this we had a huge problem. I also told him that at some point he had stopped treating me like his girlfriend and started treating me like a defective human being and I was over it and wouldn’t continue to invest my time and energy into someone who treated me this way.

Those first few days I spent alone were like an f-ing vacation. I couldn’t believe how amazing it felt to do simple, every day things without his constant interference and judgement. At the same time, I did start to notice some of the things I was blaming him for being critical of me were really areas I was insecure and being critical of myself.

I spent more time over the next few months investing in myself and and improving certain areas of my life. Our relationship seemed to improve slightly over the next few months. The micromanaging and criticism really improved or I thought they improved. He might have just changed tactics. I think he started triangulating and upping the ante with the “innocent” insults. I think I had also gotten better at dealing with it and probably lowered the bar even more.

In the fall I had my first ever sciatica flare up. It was agonizing pain almost constantly. It lasted 8 weeks and I was trying everything – physical therapy, anti inflammatories, bio freeze, ice, not moving, powering through the pain. He was over it all after a few weeks and starting treating me like I was a lazy slob. I felt so scared and helpless about how much pain I was in and if It was ever going to get better or would I need surgery. The added stress of still trying to be a good partner was horrible.

I’m not sure why this instance of his selfishness had more impact, but I felt something change inside of me in a profound way. Of course when I tried to talk to him about it, it went very poorly. The argument ended when he mocked me for crying and asked me why I couldn’t talk to him like a normal person .

I can’t remember when it started but I began to have physical responses during any kind of conflict with him. Sort of like fight or flight maybe? My hands start shaking, I start feeling o**rwhelmed and confused, my stomach is flipping, and eventually the tears come. This comment from my original post rings true:

“It seriously sounds like a low key gateway to emotional abuse. I can’t imagine his BS only starts and stops at just hacking away at OPs self worth and then g**lighting her about what’s happening.

Those people get worse as the relationship goes on, not better.” The BS certainly didn’t stop there. There were so many instances during our relationship where I felt he had lied to me. There were constant interactions where my instincts told me he was being inauthentic or he was hiding something or not giving me all the details. The addictions.

The attention he gave women on social media. Always needing someone to blame. An almost embarrassing inability to take accountability. I still feel pretty conflicted about what I did. I went through his phone. I started by looking for a couple specific times in the beginning of our relationship where my mind had flagged something as off or a lie but I had no idea why.

Like when he insisted we go drop a bottle of champagne off to a friend of his as a congratulations for getting a new job. At the time I couldn’t place what felt off about this. I looked at texts from this specific date and now I know that we were really there to deliver c**aine. When I was able to confirm what my instincts told me were lies it was off to the races.

It was all pretty bad. He was on tinder for the first 6 months we were together, bumble for 9, and plenty of fish 11. All texts with other women deleted. Secret d**g use. It’s hard to even remember everything but I tried to just confirm what I had felt to be lies.

There is definitely a ton of anger and sadness but more than anything else I felt relief. Everything my instincts have been telling me since the beginning have been accurate and I have been fighting a losing battle against them. It felt freeing.

Why have I continued this relationship in spite my instincts for 2.5 years and endless stress and chaos? My hair has been thinning since the 3 month mark in our relationship. I’ve had brain fog and memory problems despite being known for my iron trap memory. Sleeping issues. Weight fluctuations. My body has been physically rejecting this relationship.

Somehow I either couldn’t admit that it was him or I was really that out of it. I’m starting to try and unwind it all in therapy. I have had 3 sessions so far and am scheduled weekly for the foreseeable future. What I have learned so far is I was taught to not trust my feelings as a child by my Dad, who is very likely a n**cissist. I’m really excited to work on my toxic patterns and behaviors in therapy and make the relationship I have with myself better and my priority.

We have been living in separate bedrooms for a couple weeks. The initial confrontation was horrible and I hurled some really rough insults and names at him. A few weeks ago I was thinking that I would have a final discussion about why we were breaking up and the logistics of him moving out etc. It still almost felt like I was going to have to convince him that this was a good enough reason to break up.

After a deadline for work is over in the next couple days I’m going to tell him the relationship is over because I want it to be. And I do. I’m going to offer to pay for movers so I have an exact date he will be gone. I am nervous about his reaction and scared of what he might say to hurt me but I have never been more certain I’m making the right decision so I know I’ll be able to handle whatever happens.

Again, thank you endlessly to anyone who took the time to comment on my original post or reached out. I felt seen and heard that day in a way that woke me up and nudged me to really start paying attention and stop turning everything inward.

TL;DR I wasn’t being too sensitive; we are incompatible. He was not only making my life a living hell with all the criticism, g**lighting, and passive aggressive jabs, he was also a l**r and a c**ater. Coming to terms with all of it and working on myself in therapy.

Oh and one more thing – In my original post I played dumb about what he was insinuating when commenting about the shorts with the wet waistband. I was so paranoid at that time I wanted to see if other people came to the same conclusion that I had. When I reread my post that stuck out to me as sad.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Sedorner −  I think you should have someone you trust present when you tell him it’s over.

Throwawaybibbi −  My best friend’s husband snapped one night and brutally murdered her and her unborn child. We don’t know why but I think she told him she was done as he was a**sive. Do not be alone with this man when you break up with him. Also, have a locksmith nearby to change the locks immediately after he is gone. Do you have a father or brothers who can be with you?

aukletauket −  I remember your original post. I’m so glad you are resolved to get away from this man and begin to heal. I would be very cautious going forward. He has already shown you he us willing to lie, gaslight and manipulate you, and abusers are most dangerous when they think they are losing their control.

Tell some friends what’s going on so you have back-up if necessary.Think about storing your most important documents and possessions elsewhere until he’s gone. Get a lock for your door that only you have the key too. Don’t spend time alone with him.

Patricia0001 −  Please be safe, please stay away, and preferably do the breakup by phone in a safe location or at the very least with another person as a witness. Very rarely the women who got killed by their partners thought they would be killed by their partner and the family and friends are “shocked” and “never expected it” and “he was a good neighbor”

ILostMyEnglishy −  Well I’m glad you’re working on healing your relationship with yourself and plan to end it with him! You’ll feel so much better. Good luck!

SephoraRothschild −  Don’t pay for movers. Hand him a 30-day written eviction notice.

5iXt74 −  Get someone else involved whenever you have to interact with this sick f**k. This mofo was holding you back 🙁

soy-hot-chocolate −  I feel like other commenters have covered a lot of safety concerns and I second all of their advice. Don’t only trust your feelings– he’s gotten you used to downplaying his behavior. It’s not “overly paranoid” or whatever to prioritize your comfort and safety in situations like these, especially because you aren’t used to making your feelings a priority right now, and that’s on him, not you.

I do want to add, as someone who is finally in a loving, healthy relationship after managing to leave one that sounded a lot like yours– please don’t give up on fighting for yourself because it can and does get better! I never knew that it was possible to be with someone where looking at myself through his eyes always makes me feel *better*, not worse, and if I can do it you can too.

When you’re in the mindset of exhaustion and constantly picked-apart and ignoring what you can to get through the day, it can be impossible to think of what a different life could be like, or feel you’re worthy of one. From one stranger to another, I’m so excited for you to experience life on the other side.

Gonebabythoughts −  Wait, why are you waiting to break up with him? Because of a work deadline?

sakuraj428 −  I’m a survivor of an a**sive relationship, one that started out just like this. I’m not gonna take over this post with my story, but from personal experience, please listen to the people telling you to have someone present when you break up with him.

I think you also should change your locks as soon as possible after breaking up. I ended my relationship with my abuser in a restaurant parking lot, and he punched the door of my vehicle so hard he broke the armrest on it. I know exactly what would have happened if we’d been alone. Please have someone there.

Do you think the decision to leave a toxic relationship becomes easier once the truth is revealed, or does emotional healing make the process more complicated? How would you approach breaking free from years of manipulation and criticism? Share your thoughts below!