My (41F) husband (43M) is refusing (out of pride) to accept his parents financial help even though both of us are unemployed and in debt. I am honestly not sure what to do, we have a 6 year old kid with medical issues and we cant afford to keep up like this.
A Redditor shared their frustration with a husband who refuses to accept financial help from his wealthy parents, despite their family facing unemployment, mounting debt, and a child with costly medical issues. His pride and determination to fix the situation himself have created a tense standoff, leaving the user unsure how to convince him to prioritize their family’s needs. Read the full story below to learn more.
‘ My (41F) husband (43M) is refusing (out of pride) to accept his parents financial help even though both of us are unemployed and in debt. I am honestly not sure what to do, we have a 6 year old kid with medical issues and we cant afford to keep up like this.’
My husbands parents have a ton of money. I don’t know the exact amount but I would guess just based on their buying and selling of property its somewhere in the 8-15 million range. My husband seemingly has always resented that he came from a rich background, he is a VERY do-it-yourself kind of guy and dislikes handouts.
Even before the pandemic, his parents always offered to help us out with stuff and he always refused. We would argue about it but it was never that big of a deal because we were both financially stable. To him, this is a super sensitive topic, one which he wont even entertain. He always tells me to just act as if his parents have nothing..
Last year, my son developed some medical issues. I’m not gonna go over them, its not deadly, but he does need expensive treatment and eventually likely surgery. I took off from work to watch him, which put a major dent in our finances. Fast forward to 4 months ago, and my husband lost his job.
The past 4 months have seen us arguing non stop about finances. His parents have PLEADED with him non-stop to help us out, and he refuses. He would rather everybody suffer, and he is like, 110% deadset on fixing this situation himself.
He is COMPLETELY confident that he will fix all of these issues on his own, that he will find a job or start a business that will save us. Meanwhile, medical bills have piled on, our mortgage payments are late, and we have effectively burnt through our savings. We quite simply cannot keep going like this..
I mostly manage our finances. I think that, oddly enough, him growing up in a rich home and also getting a good job right out of college means that he doesn’t entirely comprehend the kind of situation we are barreling towards, so even while he likes to sort of reject the benefits of having rich parents, in a way it also means he is blind to what it means to not be rich.
Even while we are headed into debt, we haven’t changed our lifestyles that much (we were frugal before this). The only difference has been debt piling up.. I am not looking for financial advice.
I am looking for a way to get my husband to accept his parents money. We have been looking everywhere for a job for him, and as of right now with unemployment through the roof and his industry especially having been destroyed, we have no prospects in the near future. There isn’t much of a solution except his parents helping us out. How in gods name do I get him to accept the money? For me? For his KID who has medical issues which cost a fortune?.
TL;DR – – How do I get my husband to accept the money his parents are offering us? We are in debt and both unemployed and our kid has health issues, and he is refusing to take their offer.
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
mb34i − If he doesn’t want to accept a gift, he could accept a loan; it’s better to be indebted to relatives than to some bank, so maybe you could convince him to accept the money as a loan, write up paperwork between him and his parents to indicate this is a loan, and he’ll pay it back when he gets a job etc.
nova9001 − You mange the finances. Sit him down and show him the bills. Ask him what his solution is. Since you manage the finances, I feel you get the final say.. Some solutions I can think off:
1. The money is strictly for your kid. Maybe that way he can put down his pride
2. Consider a loan instead of a gift.
3. Get a job from his parents. I assume his parents have some work that need his help. He doesn’t sound like a bad person, just too prideful and refusing to accept reality.
[Reddit User] − Hard facts, if he was to get a job next week on X salary how long would it take to clear the debt? Especially if your child’s medical condition will keep costing you. Would he agree to a loan from his parents?
Lobster-rolling − Has your husband ever said (beyond pride) another reason he doesn’t want to accept money? Are his parents overbearing or controlling or stepping on boundaries constantly? If so, your husband might be more persuaded if you talk through ways to address those concerns
flamingoroad76 − Pride doesn’t pay the bills. Show him the past due bills. Do the math for him. He’s selfish for placing his pride before the health and welfare of his family.
mommaofboiz − I would sit down w/your husband, have all the bills piled up, show him what you have left after you pay the bills this month, all the unpaid medical bills, what it’s going to cost to pay all the medical bills, and tell him if he doesn’t have a job in 30 days you are going to take a loan from his parents that can be paid back.
That YOU are tired of being stressed, you are tired of arguing, it’s more unnecessary stress because of his huge ego. You have enough to worry about w/both of you being unemployed, and your kid being sick. I personally wouldn’t lie about it tho, or go behind his back. That’s only going to cause more issues and he will feel betrayed.
If it’s possible have him go work for his parents on their rental houses or houses they are flipping, he obviously has the time being layed off. He needs to have an open mind so that you can have less stress! I pray that you find some peace, and that your child gets better.
Rubyeclips3 − So I am in a similar situation to your husband, in that I come from a well off family. And I have the same feelings as him on accepting money from family (although mine have only ever offered once when I was made redundant).
The (very first world) problem is that, when you come from a family with money, people are very quick to take every achievement away from you on the basis of “you only got it because of your parent’s money”.
It makes it very hard to feel like you’ve actually achieved anything yourself and therefore the reaction can be to pretty aggressively pull away and ensure that once you’re an adult, you don’t get that help anymore so you can feel better in yourself that your achievements are your own. If you want him to take money, it may be better framing it as a loan which has to be paid back as this may sit better with him.
However, it seems to me that his issue is more in that he doesn’t truly realise the position you’re in. When I was made redundant, I didn’t accept the help but this was because we had stripped back our budget, I put all money aside between getting notice of redundancy and actually losing my job and we worked out that we could last.
We never went into debt for it. However, coming to the end, we were getting incredibly tight and it was getting to the point that I was thinking about asking my parents. Fortunately I got a job before it came to that.
It sounds like his head has been buried in the sand. Your lifestyle has stayed the same so there has been no impact on him which means he is able to ignore the issue. You need to sit down and do an actual budget. Show him the truth of your situation. How long can you keep going as you are? How long until the roof over your head is at risk?
He needs a shock now to bring him back to reality. Tell him that if he’s not accepting the money then he has to give you a plan of how you are going to get out of this situation without it. And when he can’t do that (if it’s as bad as you say) then he will have to concede and then you can discuss if you take it as a gift or a loan and form a proper long term plan.
BallsDeepintheTurtle − My parents were wealthy, and I can tell you that he absolutely has no idea what it’s like to run out of money, I mean *actually* run out of money. In a well-off kids mind, there is always more money somewhere because…well…there usually *is*. It’s easier to have savings or investments when you’re wealthy.
A lot of well-off parents start investment account for their kids so they start ahead of the curve. I’m not saying its a bad thing to prepare, but I’d argue this leads to the kind of mindset that there’s always a backup account, always a $100 bill in the sock drawer, always backup money somewhere.
If you’re an arrested development fan…he thinks there is money in the banana stand that’s catching on fire. Ask him this; does he want to accept the assistance now, or does we want to have to move in with them after y’all have lost the house?
Relationships4life − Just accept the money directly from your in laws. Don’t f**k around with your kid’s health.
AmexNomad − My daughter had $18,000 in DENTAL work needed. Seriously- Unbelievable. But it’s now done and I told her that if she ever played sports I would kill her. Anyway- My mother offered to help and I told her that if she could give me some money toward my daughter’s dental bills instead of giving me birthday or Christmas presents it would be greatly appreciated. Perhaps your in-laws could forego future Xmas/Birthday gifts as a way to assist in an acceptable way.
Is the husband’s refusal to accept help an admirable display of pride, or is it risking the well-being of his family? How would you navigate this delicate balance between personal values and practical needs? Share your thoughts below!