AITAH for telling my pregnant sister to lower her expectations for me as an uncle?

A Reddit user shared a disagreement with their pregnant sister, who excitedly envisioned them as an involved uncle to her soon-to-be-born child. Despite their joy for her, the user reminded her they don’t enjoy spending time with children outside of their stepson, whom they adore. The sister became upset, feeling hurt by their reluctance to bond with her child.

The situation escalated when their parents took the sister’s side, suggesting the user should be a “better uncle” and avoid upsetting her, especially during pregnancy. Read the full story below and decide whether the user was too blunt or simply setting healthy boundaries.

‘ AITAH for telling my pregnant sister to lower her expectations for me as an uncle?’

My sister is pregnant with her first child and is very excited about it. I’m happy for her because she really wants to be a mom. I have never particularly liked kids. I always said I never wanted kids of my own even when I was young. Things changed somewhat and I have a stepson that I adore, but other than him I still do not like kids. For some reason people around me interpret my relationship with my stepson as me having softened my dislike of children when I am very clear this is not the case.

I am also very introverted and do not do much as far as being around people that is more than the bare minimum to keep those around me happy. I am much happier home either alone or with my girlfriend and stepson just hanging out that with the rest of my family or with friends.

My sister today was excited about her pregnancy and I was indulging her to be nice. She started going off on all the fun things I can do as an uncle with her yet to be born child and at first I just let it go. I didn’t play along or say no I just let her talk. She wouldn’t stop and eventually it just got to be too much and I told her she needed to cool it.

She asked what I meant and I said her and I have a different view of my role as an uncle. She asked what I meant and I said I would see her kid on birthdays, holidays, and family events, but I didn’t see myself doing all the things she was naming off. She got very upset and said how could I say that about my soon to be first niece/nephew. I reminded her I am not the biggest fan of children and didn’t see myself having a particularly close relationship with her child.

She mentioned what a good dad I am to my stepson and I said that’s different, that’s my son, I’m not her kid’s father and I don’t have to be involved with her kid if I don’t want to be. We also have another brother and we both know he will be wanting to do as much with her kid as possible so I said it’s not like the kid needs me.

My parents then got the hint her and I were in a disagreement and came over to se what was going on. Both my parents are on her side and think I should be a “better uncle” and also should not have said something to upset my pregnant sister. So I have to ask, AITAH?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Grammie1439 −  Wait a minute. You have a family of your own. Does she spend time doing things with and for your stepson? This isn’t how this works. You do for your kids. Your sister does for hers. I am one of 6. I can’t even imagine how that would work, lol.

Anonimityville −  Dude, you’re both delusional and self-centered if you think your sister spends time with your stepson because she loves him as an individual. He’s not even related to her. She did it out of deference to you, her brother, to give your stepson the feeling of having a family. Given your lack of reciprocation, you don’t feel the need to bond with children who are not yours—don’t be surprised when the one-way gift train stops passing by.

ETA: as a reply to all these comments on my comments. Sadly I think most of these comments are missing the point. Do you think this sister would seek out a relationship with this “step son” if not for the connection to the brother?
Two things can be true at the same time, she’s genuinely a nice person and wants to make kids feel special even if it’s not a blood relative. And also, the reason she chose to spend time with THIS kid and not any other kid is because of her brother.

Unless this woman is part of some kind of big brother, big sister mentorship program and is known for taking random kids out on excursions. You should all assume that the reason she took this kid out is specifically because of her brother.

trilliumsummer −  I think YTA mostly because of your comments. You’d be mad at your sister if she stopped spending time with your stepson if you didn’t have a similar relationship with your child. You say you’d be ok if she was busy, but she could simply be busy with the children whose parents have a reciprocal relationship with her. Which I guess would fall under your not wanting her to punish your stepson for your actions.

But relationships are two way streets. She has a relationship with your stepson because of you. She put effort in because of you. She wouldn’t be having a relationship with the stepson if you didn’t know him. And most people faced with realizing they’re in a one sided relationship would back away from it. Busy or not. It’s fully within their right to back away from unbalanced relationships, and it’s not tit for tat for someone to do that.

Someone realizing that they do x for the relationship and the other person is only willing to do 0.1x and deciding that relationship isn’t worth the effort is not rotten. If anyone is rotten is the person willing to only extend 10% effort while expecting others to continue to give 100%, even after realizing the disparity.

Definitely_Human01 −  YTA. You’re selfish and hypocritical. You don’t like kids so you don’t want to spend time with anyone else’s kids. But you also don’t want your sister to spend less time with yours. You don’t get to pick and choose whichever part benefits you.

You have a relationship of equals with your sister. You’re not her child. You have to reciprocate her efforts or risk her reciprocating yours. You don’t get to put in low effort and expect high effort from her. Either accept that she can and will cut back on how much time she spends with your step son or s**k it up and try to spend more time with your nibbling.

sageofbeige −  You have no standing if your parents and sister cool off on your stepson. If they’ve accepted him as family as they bloody well should but you treat your sisters kid as an inconvenience you have to tolerate at family events you’re an arsehole. However once the kid is here you may soften. But no-one should have expectations of another regarding their own kids.

DoubleDipCrunch −  You sound like one of those guys who didn’t want a dog.

15021993 −  Asking Reddit. Where most people are known to be anti family lol. YTA. There was no need to say this to her. Being introverted has nothing to do with your attitude. You ultimately told her „I don’t give a f**k about your kid, I’m not doing anything“. At least your sister is aware of what type of AH you are and can tone down her relationship with your step-kid. Because it’s not appreciated by you.

majesticjewnicorn −  YTA, massively. At the risk of being downvoted by those who have blended families… I’m going to tell it as it is. The kid is not your stepson. His mother isn’t your wife, or even fianceè. She’s your girlfriend. Who you haven’t even committed to, and have now given this poor kid false expectations. If your girlfriend were to sadly pass away, you have zero rights whatsoever. You haven’t even given him security by making your relationship with his mother legally binding- you expect to be seen as this kid’s stepdad… put a ring on it!

Your family had zero obligation to this kid, except for being polite to him. Yet, they have treated him as part of the family (which could easily be ripped away if you get bored of your girlfriend). Your sister has treated him LIKE a nephew and has given him love and care. Your sister has treated a kid with zero genetic links to her, nor even any legal familial links, with love and inclusion.

Yet, you are a raging h**ocrite. You have foisted a child with no genetic links to your family on them and expected him to be treated as family, yet you refuse to give the same consideration and love back to this child your sister is pregnant with, a child who shares a large chunk of DNA with you. How do you think they will feel growing up, knowing their own uncle treats them with revulsion yet gives an abundance of love to a child without his DNA?

You say you are child free, which I can understand many people not liking being around kids. But, if you were so vehemently anti-child, why would you have even considered dating a woman who has a child? You are a raging h**ocrite, and this undoubtedly is going to cause a lot of hurt for your sister and family. If being anti-child is your sword… you live by your sword, you die by your sword.

You cannot cherry pick to the point that you have confused your sister, because life doesn’t work like that. Of course she is going to think you are no longer anti-child if she sees you take on another man’s child and treat the kid lovingly. You also chose to rain on her parade in the process.

You owe your sister an apology, your girlfriend a marriage, and all kids involved (born and yet to be born) the love and respect that children deserve to grow and thrive. Don’t make life harder for your self-proclaimed “stepson” by causing the person he sees as an aunt withdraw from him as a response to you effectively disowning your future niece/nephew.

And don’t ruin what could be a beautiful friendship between two cousin figures. If you love your stepson, then surely you want to give him familial security- by virtue of your girlfriend being a single mother at the time of meeting her, I can only assume that this kid has been through a lot previously which has caused him to not have a traditional nuclear family. Let this kid have familial security, in more ways than just one.

NoraEmiE −  Guys, it’s hilarious. Dude is living in selfish and delusional world. In one of the comments OP, he said he only wants to be around his wife/girlfriend and stepson. And he doesn’t want to or need to be close to anyone else. And in another comment he said he would be absolutely mad if his sister stops spending time with his step son just because she is mad at him and that it would be rotten of her to do it. The selfish hypocrisy p**ck.

forelsketparadise1 −  YTA you are an absolute piece of s**t. You expect your sister to spend her time energy and money on your step son who she isn’t even biologically related but you can’t even bother to step up and be a decent uncle. You are such a selfish person. And no you are not setting up healthy boundaries you just don’t want to put up any effort to keep a relationship with your nibling or your sister in the long run. And your parents are absolutely correct in supporting her.

Don’t be surprised if she stops doing the fun things with your stepson and having a relationship with you. You are using her. You will be the reason your stepson will lose his aunt and possibly step grandparents and uncle too