My (23f) marriage is based on a lie. My entire family including my husband (31m) is implicit in it. I want out. I have no idea how to.

A Redditor revealed the harrowing story of being trapped in a loveless, controlling marriage arranged by her fundamentalist family after they discovered her secret relationship with another woman. Now reconnecting with her girlfriend in secret, she seeks advice on how to safely escape the oppressive life she’s been forced into. Read the original story below.

‘ My (23f) marriage is based on a lie. My entire family including my husband (31m) is implicit in it. I want out. I have no idea how to.’

I will try to keep this short. My family & my husband’s family are members of a fundamentalist Christian denomination, of the type that views women’s roles as exclusively to be a ‘helpmeet’ to their husband and to raise children. I don’t think people realize how dark that world is really, but I won’t get too much into it.

Lets just say that unless you’ve been super brainwashed or actually somehow believe it, it’s not a good place for women, or kids, or really anybody.
I was homeschooled for my whole life and rarely had any interaction with anyone outside of the circle until I was 18.

I wasn’t allowed to talk to people who weren’t from my church unless it was for the purpose of trying to convert them. From an early age I knew I was different and by puberty I was crushing on girls and feelings about them. After reading my diary when I was 14 my parents sent me to conversion therapy, which was an awful experience and obviously didn’t work.

Between the ages of 15 and 18 I attempted suicide 11 times. After being released from the hospital the last time, my parents essentially farmed me out to family friends to help with their children and to attempt to find someone to court me.

When I was there I had unmonitored internet access for the first time and joined an lgbt group locally under a pseudonym and started going out to meet people when I could since the supervision was more relaxed than it was with my parents. At one of these meetups I met a girl who I fell completely in love with and started dating her in secret. This was in April of 2017.

Fast forward to when we had been dating around 8 months. It was around this time of year and we went out to a Christmas light festival in a neighboring town. Usually people from our denomination don’t go to that kind of thing because it’s not god honoring but friends of the people I was staying with saw me there with her and told them.

By the time I got home that night my parents were there waiting for me. Two months later, after being forced back home and having everything taken away, I was introduced to my now husband, and by may of this year we were married. I don’t love him. He doesn’t love me.

He 100% buys into everything that the religion teaches but had a failed courtship and then did mission work. He’s literally told me that the only reason we are married is because he feels like Jesus’s mission for him in life is to “heal” me.

It’s been 8 months of absolute hell. Everything I do is approved by him, I only have friends who are the wives of his friends or are from church. I don’t have a job. I literally keep a box that I told him was a hope chest and put enough baby things in that he doesn’t know I have a tablet and books that I’m not supposed to have.

I know that this isn’t really the typical kind of thing that gets posted in this board, but I’m desperate. I’ve been talking to my girlfriend again since I got the tablet. I’ve been trying to mend things with her. I know that I need to get out of this situation but I have no idea how to. I’m afraid I’m going to get dragged back into this hole again and I can’t.

I am hoping that this board might have people on it, even just one or two, that can help me to leave safely and permanently. It’s hard because if I do go I have to basically build my life over again from scratch and I don’t have any family or anyone who would help or support me in any way.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

nygibs −  I just wanted to give you some support from a distance. I escaped a cult and arranged marriage when I was in my teens, and really really feel for you. An internet stranger once told me these words – the words that gave me the courage to get out of there myself and go into the unknown world.

He said, “It is always worth the upheaval of the world for even a chance at a better life.”. And it really, really is. You’ve received some great suggestions here. And I know I’m an internet stranger myself, but if you need specific tips, or a willing ear, or an untracable phone card, I will gladly offer my help.

Edited: I’m adding the below because of the PMs I’ve received for more information about my history. I sent a direct message to the OP, and am sharing parts of it here for anyone else these words can help:

First.. I just wanted to send you a hug. I was 9 when my mother married the cult leader, and 11 when I wasn’t allowed outside any more. By 12 they were pushing marriage and had banned outside contact and books and radio. I managed to buy myself two more years somehow, but was married at 14 to a man twice my age.

I was not the docile girl he’d been promised – I fought back and got returned. That wasn’t a good thing, and by 15, I knew I really really had to get out. And that was when the internet was young, and the year the cult foolishly got the internet, not really realizing that meant we could contact the world.

I escaped at 16, not to a strangers or by going to the side of the freeway and taking my chances with a trucker, which I’d given serious consideration to. But I was lucky, and found a family member unrelated to the cult to take me in. I was also under age, so that was tremendously helpful.

You need to have, and take with you, your birth certificate, social security card and ID, if you have them. If you don’t, it’s OK. You’ll be able to get them, though at considerable trouble. If you can get them, take them. If you have them, wonderful!

The other replies are right about women’s shelters. In my case, the cult was very inter woven with local law enforcement, and my mother actually volunteered at the local shelter, which I suspect was to ensure that we had no where to go. So when I ran, I ran far away. Over 100 miles the first day, and ever further after that.

You are probably nervous about the thought of a shelter. It’s scary. And you are probably nervous about all the things you don’t know about what the regular world as a young adult is like, and how you’ll support yourself. First… The world is amazing. It’s terrifying and amazing at the same time. And you are strong and you are going to be OK.

You’ll be OK in a shelter too. Just go as far as you can, and hopefully over at least one state line. Or you come to someone specific, like your girlfriend or someone like me. I know it’s insanity to say that as an internet stranger. But when I needed to run, I didn’t think I had anywhere to go. For years.

I would have left at 12 if I knew I had somewhere safe to go. That was the age I realized that no one else was coming to rescue me – I was going to have to rescue myself. So I’m telling you now, if you need a place to go, you can come to me. \[Private details omitted\]

I helped my state start a confidentiality program too, which all but 12 states now have. You can Google, but if you don’t have long, the short version is that you will have the support of the state’s attorney generals office, get a participant card and a legal mailing address through the state, and mail will forward to you wherever you are really living.

All your public records will be blacked out, even to most law enforcement. Search Address Confidentiality Program by the state name you think you can get to. The first day I got out, when I was safe and very far away, I went and sat outside on the grass by myself. In public. I hadn’t been outside unsupervised in over 3 years.

And not with my hair uncovered either, or my face. It was… Amazing. The wind in my hair. The sun on my arms. And it was terrifying too. I spent the time trying to stop the urge to duck whenever any one walked anywhere nearby.

I started college 3 days later, which was a feat of paperwork on my end, and because the internet was very young and I had my birth certificate and SSN with me, which I’d stolen from the cult office in the middle of the night the week before.

You are probably worried about money, of course. Some states have cash payments to folks in temporary emergency situations. You would qualify, but not enough for lodging. Just enough for toilet paper and tooth paste. You’d also qualify for state health care and food, at least for a few months. But you can go straight into college, too, if you time it right, with grants.

Do you have access to a phone? If you have access to a cell phone that’s a smart phone, use Google voice to make free and untracable calls, and delete the app every time, and don’t be signed in to that account anywhere. You can do this from your tablet too.

If you have access to a landline, let me know and I will send you what you need to make calls anywhere in the USA for free. The calling card number will show up in monthly call logs, if you are being monitored, but not the actual places you call. If you have access to neither, but could keep and hide a tracfone, let me know and I’ll send you one preloaded with a lot minutes.

You need a phone to talk to shelters or to text with them, but not to email. A shelter will help you initiate formal divorce proceedings too, and safely from a distance. I was lucky – my marriage was religious vs legal, so when he divorced me, there was no paperwork. And I hadn’t yet gotten pregnant, despite his forced attempts.

I was lucky not because I was particularly strong and fought him, but because he was SO astonished that I would fight him at all, he just froze in astonishment while I got out of the room. To give you some extra hope.. It’s been over half my life now since I escaped.

I’ve been with my spouse almost that entire time, and unrelated, but I also have another partner now too, and my life is full of warmth and love. I went straight into college and got my masters in my early twenties. I’ve moved a great many times, because the cult kept looking for me. And I got armed and learned to defend myself.

The cult hasn’t come for me in over 9 years now. But now I have children and I am aware that the cult would find it the perfect revenge to take my children. Do we live in fear? No. I never have. We are simply prepared. And I am confident in my ability to protect myself and my family. You will be too.

I told myself then, at 14 and 15 and 16, that when I grew up, I was going to be the woman who was coming to get the girls being held against their will in cults. Because no one was coming for me. And I have. And I will be that person for you, if you want or need that help.. \[Personal information omitted.\]. \—

If you are reading this and in a position similar to the OP, please reach out to a shelter, either near you or far away, and to the other resources mentioned here. It warms my heart to see how many more options there are now then when I was breaking free. It’s worth every moment of uncertainty. It’s worth the upheavel of the world.. \—

Edit 2: Many folks have replied or messaged and asked how they can help. Reddit has a reply length cap, so please see my reply under this one for specific ways you can assist.

FTP-Forever −  Holy s**t, girl. RUN. Are there any women’s shelters in your area or in neighboring towns/states? Do you have any money at all?.
PS Don’t go accepting help from any random ass internet stranger. Absolutely 100 percent get the f**k out of there, as soon as you can, but please be safe and smart about it.

jolie178923-15423435 −  u/Ebbie45. Ebbie is a wonderful person who works with victims of domestic violence and abuse. Do you have ANY money at all? Can you drive?

noteveni − If you’re in CO or able to come to CO, we have a safehouse for domestic violence victims. I work there, you absolutely qualify and we could give you shelter in a hidden location for six weeks plus access to all sorts of resources to get you started.

PM me if you have any questions, otherwise our website can lead you to our crisis line #. Its so hard to escape the kind of situation you’re in, and it’s very brave that you’re reaching out. <3

Desert_Fairy −  You are an adult, and as such you have the right to leave at any time. Money is one challenge, another is if your parents can use your attempted suicide to get you put on a psychological hold and then get a judge to rule you as mentally incompetent.

Then your husband would have legal guardianship over you. You need to avoid that at all costs. Anything your husband or family does that makes you look unstable helps them. Stay calm and level headed. I’m sure others have better advice on how to plan your exit, but I wanted to say that I believe in you and I hope you get the hell out of there ASAP!!

ElyriaRose −  Can you research women’s shelters in your area? If you go, you need to go sooner than later, because it will be much more difficult if there are children. Having a life that you had to build from scratch will be difficult, but you will be so much happier. I wish you the best of luck.

veryruralNE −  Look for those who have successfully left *this specific community*, if at all possible. You’ll need someone who knows exactly what it takes to make a clean break. Do everything you can to avoid getting pregnant. Children are often used as leverage in these situations.

[Reddit User] −  How in the hell has no one mentioned THE TREVOR PROJECT. Seriously this is a crisis hotline MADE to help LTBTQ people. Please check it out.

victoriaoleva −  I felt this post deeply because I also grew up in a fundamentalist Christian environment and everything you said is so similar to what I was taught and forced into growing up.

I GOT OUT AND SO CAN YOU! I have ended up with a college degree (which women aren’t supposed to do) in the sciences ( b**sphemy! ) and working for the government. I had to go through a divorce first, but luckily I got full custody of my son and his father doesn’t speak to us or bother us at all.

You can change your life. Follow all the good advice that has been posted on here for you and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Please feel free to message me. I would love to help in any way that I can.. Be strong. You can do this.

[Reddit User] −  I’m really concerned that your husband is forcing you to have s** with him against your will. Cults like the one you describe tend to have traditional views on s** being a requirement in the marriage, and that you can’t ever say no. If he is having s** with you that you don’t want, that is rape.

Even if you say yes because you are scared to say no. No one has a right to your body, not even your spouse. My ex husband would wake me up very early to have s**, despite me being sleep deprived because of having a baby who cried all night. I remember lying there, crying silently, in pain because we’d been in a car wreck and I had severe whiplash and everything hurt.

I only had s** with him because he would not let me sleep until he was done. It was only years later that I was told that was rape. I told him no, but he badgered me for ages until I would give in. What I am trying to say is that s** that you do not want is a**ault, even in marriage.

Not having s** with your husband is even more important now because you absolutely cannot afford to get pregnant at this time. A baby will tie you to this man for 18 years or more. Do not let him try to talk you into it. Do not give into begging or threats, and if he does force you, call the police.

Make sure you go to the ER and they give you the morning after pill. Protect yourself. Good luck to you. I believe you can get away. It will be difficult at first, but I suspect that you will thrive once you are out of there.

How can someone find the strength and resources to leave a controlling environment like this? What steps would you suggest for the Redditor to regain her independence and rebuild her life? Share your thoughts below!