I (f32) kind of want my boyfriend (m35) to be my dad

A Reddit user (32F) shares her feelings about her boyfriend (35M) and the warmth she feels when witnessing the way he cares for his children. Coming from an abusive household, she finds comfort and safety in his gentle parenting style.

While she doesn’t have any romantic or s**ual desire for him to act like a father figure, she expresses a deep longing for the kind of care and protection she never received. She worries about whether it’s wrong to feel this way and wonders how to discuss it with him. Read the full story below.

‘ I (f32) kind of want my boyfriend (m35) to be my dad’

Just the title sounds creepy… Me and my bf have been together for only six months but have been friends for about a year longer than that. We only ever hung out with a friend group and did dnd together and stuff, and I fell in love with him without really hanging out at his house or interacting with his kids. I knew he HAD kids (m7, f12), and he’d talk about them, but I didn’t meet them until I was already in love with him.

Some background: I came from an a**sive household. Both of my parents were emotionally/psychologically a**sive and my father was an angry drunk who threw things and punched walls. I’ve been in therapy for it throughout my life (when I can afford a therapist, yay USA) but am currently not.

I’ve never really hung out around a healthy family with kids in it? I’m estranged from my extended family since cutting off my parents, and most of my friends either don’t have kids or they’re very small babies. The first time I went over to my boyfriend’s house, his kid was acting up and I felt my whole body go tight waiting for him to get angry/aggressive with the child… and he didn’t. He was kind and gentle. I was absolutely just… I’d never seen that.

The more we spend time together and the more I see him around his two kids… I keep having these sort of earth-shaking revelations like… This is what parents are supposed to do. This is what it’s supposed to look like.

My therapists had explained, verbally, what it’s supposed to be like, but that’s very different from actually SEEING a parent who genuinely loves his kids and treats them well. I love spending time over there because when he is kind and gentle to his kids, I like… passively absorb it, is the only way I can think to explain it. I feel safe and warm and protected in an extremely just, primal way? That I never felt in my own house or anything.

To be clear, I know what daddy kink/DDLG is… and this isn’t it. It’s not s**ual at all. I just see the way he takes care of his kids and wish that I could just … duck under that umbrella and be cared for like that too? One time he was telling me about the custody battle he went through with his ex-wife, who didn’t want him around the kids, and how hard he fought to stay in their life and I just started crying.

He was comforting and I tried to explain that no adult in my life would have ever fought for me like that. I told him “I wish I’d had a dad like you” and he said “I wish you did too.” Which was very sweet but I just worry this isn’t something I’m supposed to want from my boyfriend, or feel for him…? He knows about my parents and we’ve talked about it a few times. He gets it because he didn’t have a great upbringing either.

It’s probably not okay to cross wires like that… I believe in communication in relationships so I probably need to talk to him about it. But how do I tell him so it doesn’t come off creepy? There’s just so much positivity and warmth and unconditional love in his house and I want to just… wrap up in it like a warm blanket. But it’s not mine… it’s his kids’.

And I probably shouldn’t get the wires crossed like that? I don’t know. If I hadn’t had to change jobs during covid I’d talk to a therapist again but financially that’s just not an option right now.

TL;DR – Raised in an a**sive household, now see how my amazing boyfriend loves his kids and I wish he’d take care of me/love me the same way, since nobody ever did. Is that wrong? Do I talk to him about it?

EDIT: Wow so many comments. Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I’m definitely googling a lot of the ideas and books and things everyone mentioned. I didn’t expect so many people to relate to this. It’s kind of sad and really.. heartwarming?

I was worried I was messed up and that I should shove these feelings away and felt guilty for feeling like that, but a lot of you suggested it’s just love. Healthy love, and it’s okay to want that. Which feels like it should probably be obvious. I’ve decided not to make a big deal out of it or have any kind of Talk about it, but just keep telling him how much I appreciate him and the things I see in him. Thank you all again for so many comments and advice and ideas!

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

CaelThavain −  I don’t think you want him to be your dad, you just want to be treated with the empathy and respect he treats his children. So tell him how you feel, just don’t say “I want you to be my dad.”

That’ll probably spook him, but beyond that yeah tell him you’ve never seen a parent treat their kids right like that and it makes it feel amazing to be around him. And how much you want more of that. I’m sure he’ll feel flattered for basically being called an awesome dad, and then he’ll feel able to become more emotionally close to you.

redhairedtyrant −  40 year old lady here. Lots of people who had s**tty parents look at their partners and friends and think “I wish my parents were like that.” Heck, people with good parents might still look at a great parent and think “Dang, they pulled that off better than my dad!”

It’s not that you want your partner or friend to parent you, it’s seeing someone do good and wishing that you had it back then with your parents. What you need to do is focus on what a good partner he is to you. And you need to start giving yourself the love you needed as a child.

UnearnedConfident −  I think it’s really normal to want to have a protective partner who’s looking out for you. We all have to be independent adults, but it’s nice when you can trust someone else to take charge. That’s ok. Maybe not phrase it as ‘Dad’, but what are those qualities that you appreciate in him.

updn −  I think it’s pretty normal to want that kind of secure nurturing feeling from a significant other. I wouldn’t worry about it at all, unless it detracts from your romantic feelings, then it could become an issue.

sqitten −  I think actually you’re kind of fine. I mean, not fine, because you’re still healing from childhood trauma, but kind of fine for your path of healing. What I was worried about is there is a common response some people have who were mistreated, where they see others being treated properly and it is painful. You don’t have that. you’re responding positively to watching healthy relationships, which is great. And there’s nothing wrong with that, as far as I know.

As for wanting it for yourself, well, part of healing from childhood abuse is mourning the loss of what you should have had but did not. You’ve already done a lot of that, but as with any mourning, sometimes something happens and it hits you strongly again. In this case, you now have a better idea of what you missed out on. So, you need to let yourself take time to grieve.

But I also think you need to keep in mind that while you are too old now to have a relationship with someone in the parental role who cares for you as a child, a loving partner is somebody you should feel safe and cared for with. And you actually can have some of that safety and concern within a healthy romantic relationship.

I think the parts you really want are the parts you should be aiming to get, which is why I think this isn’t as much of a problem as it seems to be to you. You’re just not used to having it within any relationship, and now are witnessing it within the context of a parent-child relationship. But you aren’t mentioning craving any of the parent-child specific parts of it. Just being safe, cared for, and treated with kindness.

MiyagiWasabi −  I think this is totally normal and there are more solutions than just therapy. I had the same thoughts about my husband – I saw how kind and patient he is with our daughter and I thought to myself, if he weren’t my husband, I wish he had been my dad!

While I would still rather have a dad like my husband, one thing that helped me shift my focus off of being parented was being a parent myself. The longer I have been a parent, the less I think about wishing things were different for my child self and more on making sure my daughter has the best upbringing I can give her.

Perhaps as your relationship progresses and you take on that role with his kids or kids of your own, you will feel that way too. Further, just being in a safe, loving relationship is healing in itself, whether or not you become a parent.

fanniann −  That feeling you are describing is love, the love within your new family absolutely involves you. Embrace it and enjoy it, you deserve it.

greenbean999 −  I think wishing you had a good dad isn’t a problem? My husband also has kids and is a great dad and I wish I had a dad like him growing up and he knows that, he’s a parent and knows about my upbringing and how s**tty it was and absolutely agrees.

You already told him that though so I’m not sure what else there is to talk about with your boyfriend, it sounds more like you are itching to process some childhood stuff and a therapist would be a better outlet for this. Good luck.

[Reddit User] −  DDlg is not always s**ual. The feeling that you describe of wanting to curl up and absorb all of warmth, patience, kindness? That is very real and very tangible. You dont have to put a label on it either! Id say it sounds like you were never really taken care of maybe and you just want to melt into the couch and be doted on. I think its totally normal 🙂

boointhehouse −  Get back into therapy. You do need a dad figure for yourself – but you are in danger of boundary crossing with him that can turn dependent and can elicit some behavior in your relationship that would be unhealthy. This isn’t a link thing.

In therapy you can create a figure based on your partner to be your father figure. It would be a creation you can build for your internal self as a fatherly guide. So you can internalize Some of your partners behavior toward his children to build this internal figure so that you can stay partners and not become father daughter with your partner.

It’s touching to see how a healthy family dynamic can evoke such deep emotions in someone who’s never experienced it. What are your thoughts on the importance of feeling loved and protected in relationships? Have you ever found comfort in someone else’s family dynamic? Share your thoughts below!