My wife lied about having a miscarriage and instead had an a**rtion, I don’t know what to do know?

A Reddit user (28m) reveals that his wife (28f) lied about having a miscarriage, claiming instead that she had an abortion while he was away for work. The couple had been trying for a child, and the user was devastated by the news of the miscarriage, only to later find out that his wife had secretly terminated the pregnancy.

Now, he’s grappling with feelings of betrayal, anger, and confusion, unsure whether he can continue the relationship. Read the original story below to understand how this trust-shattering event unfolded.

‘ My wife lied about having a miscarriage and instead had an a**rtion, I don’t know what to do know?’

My wife and I have been married for 3 years and for the past year we have been trying for a child. We both wanted to have children and after we got married we decided to first buy a house and get things in order financially before having children.

Last year we both mutually agreed that we were in the right place to try for a child, in fact it was my wife who put the idea forward. A little over 8 months ago my wife found out she was 6 weeks pregnant with our first child. I was elated, I had always wanted to be a father and it seemed like something I never thought was possible was coming true.

My wife and I began buying parenting books, planning a nursery, just doing all the stuff first-time parents do. I had never been happier at this moment.
Several weeks later, I had to fly out of the country for a work conference. I was gone for about 8 days. Whilst I was abroad, my wife called, she was crying and told me she had a miscarriage. She was 18 weeks pregnant at this point.

I flew back home immediately and told work that I had a family emergency. I was devastated with the news, but I never properly mourned as I felt I had to be emotionally strong for my wife who was a wreck. This was a tough period for both of us, but I thought we had come out stronger as a couple.

I knew I had to give my wife some time and space before we could approach the subject again, especially with this being, what I thought, her first miscarriage. However, a week ago, a friend of my wifes called and told me she had something important to tell me. Apparently my wife had scheduled an a**rtion, whilst I was away at a conference.

My wife’s reasoning being that she wasnt ready to be a parent. My wife also said didn’t want me to know about the a**rtion because I was so excited to be a parent and she didn’t want to hurt me. At first I didn’t believe this to be true but after confronting my wife she told me that yes she had in fact aborted our child.

I’m in shock right now. I’m hurt, angry and upset. I just don’t understand why she didn’t just speak to me about it. Maybe we could have talked this through, but right now I’m so mad that she went behind my back and led me to believe she lost our child.

I understand that my wife is the one carrying the child, and at the end has the right to make any decision she wants, but why lie about the whole situation. I don’t know whether to carry on with the relationship or not.

I love my wife but this is a huge betrayal to me, and I can’t even look at her right now. She’s currently crying and begging me to forgive her, I’ve just gone down to the spare bedroom and locked myself inside. Please someone just tell me what to do.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

FilthyCade −  While I agree with others saying her body, her choice (which at the end of the day it totally is), the fact that she lied about having a miscarriage is horrible. She led you to believe your future child had passed instead of talking to you about how she was feeling.

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and if she can’t come to you about something that will affect you both, i’d say you have a lot to think about. The fact that she lied and acted as if she lost the baby when she had no intension of carring on with the pregnancy doesn’t sit right with me.

To think your wife could lie so well about something so major, for presumably an extended period of time would have me questioning what else she could or has lied about. At the end of the day if she wasn’t ready to have a baby it was the right thing to do, as devastating as it may be for you.

But she shouldn’t have kept you in the dark and lied to you. If I was in your shoes I’d sit her down and have a frank discussion about how this has made you feel, but also listen to her and find out how she feels. There may be more to this than just “not being ready to be a parent”.

Therapy is an absolute must here. Both as a couple and individually. If you love her and want to work through this that is the first step, but it may be a long road. I wish you luck, and I am so sorry for your loss.

monkey_mcdermott −  Assuming you don’t walk out of the guest room and immediately file for divorce, Personal, and couples therapy. She’s going to need to work through why she felt the need to lie, and why she’d TRY for a child when she’s not ready to have one.

You’re going to need to work through your feelings of betrayal so you can trust (anyone you might be in a relationship with) again. You both are going to need to work through what needs to be done to move forward, or if moving forward is even possible.

narniasreal −  Tbh I don’t see how a relationship can survive this.

Ridgehand999 −  Is there any chance that she would be going outside of the marriage and was afraid it wasn’t your child and you would find out? That was my first thought. I’m skeptical that way. Sorry. Just being the devil’s advocate I guess.

istara −  I’m so sorry this happened. I would say the chance of your marriage surviving this issue is vanishingly small and I urge couples counselling if you do want to save it. I also think your wife’s mental health needs medical attention – because the circumstances of what she did are bizarre and troubling.

jd-snips −  I dont think i could forgive, trust is gone.. My mind would race. She had no problem keeping you in the dark about it.. Made a huge decision without you. 18 weeks aint early either. My heart breaks for you mate.

plant-baby-mama −  i’m sorry this happened to you

Escasriet −  I do agree that it’s her body, and end of the day is her choice. BUT I got a few issues with her decisions before and after the a**rtion.
1) It seemed the “let’s have/not have” kids conversation multiple times in their marriage.

At least twice, once early on and again before trying. When you BOTH decided and AGREED it’s time to try for kids after getting the house and being stable. If she didn’t feel she was ready, she should have brought it up before you BOTH AGREED to try for kids.

Yes, it’s scary bringing this up when your partner is ready for kids. But it seems like you would be open to having that conversation and supporting her if she needed more time before committing to being a mother.

2) She acted like she was mourning with you. Not only leaving your work trip early for a lie, but it (to me) is very unsettling that she pretended to be a depressed mother that lost her baby. Crying with you and making you feel you need to be the strong supportive partner. When it was all a lie.

As a woman, I cannot understand why she would do all of this. When she could have avoided that with having a conversation about it at the start and even when she found out. She could have second thoughts when she got pregnant, but doesn’t change the fact that she should have talked to you about it before aborting.

It is her body and right, but she is also in a marriage. Where communication on wants, needs, fears, etc is to be expected in a health relationship. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. If you want to try to save this relationship, go to counseling.

But I’m pretty sure you will always remember this, even if you do end up forgiving her. I honestly think the relationship is done, the trust is gone, and she should lie in the bed she’s made with her long string of horrible decisions (to be clear, a**rtion itself is not the horrible decision. Just the context of before and after it).

antimetal123 −  I cant be the only one thinking she cheated. Talks about getting pregnant, gets pregnant almost immediately, sees how excited you are, felt extremely guilty and got an a**rtion while you are away. Timeline is too suspicious to be mental health plus the addition of CONSTANTLY lying.

Cookyy2k −  “not ready” after discussing it and trying, secret a**rtion. Yup, sounds like that kid was going to be turn out to be some other guy’s in an obvious way so she had to hide the evidence.

Do you think the user can ever rebuild trust after such a deep betrayal, or is this a deal-breaker in their relationship? How would you approach a situation where your partner hides such a significant decision from you? Share your thoughts below!