How do I (17F) tell my mom (36F) that I know her ‘best friend’ (30s-40s?F) is her girlfriend?

A Reddit user shared their struggles with confronting their mom about her relationship with her best friend, Kim, whom they suspect is more than just a friend. The user noticed signs that led them to believe their mom is in a romantic relationship with Kim, but they’re unsure how to address it without making things awkward.

They want to show support but are unsure of how to approach the situation. For more details on how they navigated the situation and their thoughts on the matter, continue reading below.

‘ How do I (17F) tell my mom (36F) that I know her ‘best friend’ (30s-40s?F) is her girlfriend?’

My mom (36F) has raised me as a single mom since my piece of s**t dad ran off to marry some chick he met on deployment. She has worked very hard and I love her to bits. She’s never talked about remarrying and has never even dated to my knowledge.

Two years ago she met Kim at one of my swim meets and they became instant friends. I found it kind of annoying at first, but the last couple years she’s been happier than I ever remember my mom being. They go out to dinner once a week, they talk and text a lot, etc.

Earlier this week I had to fix a software problem on my mom’s computer and I opened her browser history and saw a page about h*ving safe s** for two women. All of a sudden everything clicked. My mom working late hours at work a lot recently, my mom hiding her laundry from me, things like that.

I want to tell my mom that I’m really happy for her that she has a girlfriend and she doesn’t have to hide it from me, but I feel like going ‘Hey mom, I know you’re munching Kim’s rug’ wouldn’t be good.. Advice?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

HotspurJr −  This is so interesting because the convention wisdom for parents with closeted gay kids is to let the kid come out on their schedule. You make clear that you love and accept them, and drop a few hints, and let them do it when they’re ready.

With your mom I’d imagine you could be more proactive, but if you wanted to let her be the one to explicitly say it, you could try the following ideas: “I’ve noticed how much happier you are with Kim around. I really love seeing this side of you.” If she doesn’t bite, you might bring up a discussion about a friend or classmate who has come out,

and just say something like, “It’s really great to see how Debbie is finally comfortable being herself. I know she was worried that people would accept her but we all do.”
Another possibility would be to, if there’s a nice dinner or something you and your mom are doing,

or something like that, you can just say “It’d be lovely if Kim came as well, if you wanted to invite her.” That all being said, I really do like u/Fabri-g**k’s suggestion if you’re comfortable going that far.

antisarcastics −  I feel like going ‘Hey mom, I know you’re munching Kim’s rug’ wouldn’t be good. no advice i’m afraid, but this line f**king killed me

realityseekr −  I just want to comment that they may not have been dating this entire time. That browser history actually makes me think if they are dating its a recent development. I would maybe just make a positive lgbt comment if you were watching a show or something with a gay/bi character but otherwise I don’t think you need to explicitly say anything.

AffectionateBite3827 −  You are correct that that exact phrasing would not be great! I think you can start by telling your mom how much she means to you and how much you love and appreciate her and want her to be happy. If you have something kind to say about Kim, mention that.

oywiththepoodle −  I waited for my mom to tell me. My friends teased me about her and her partner in high school. Somebody saw them kissing in the city we lived near. I pretty much knew before that but it was complicated. She told me on the drive up to college. It was cute, she had a whole little speech.

I told her that I kinda already knew and that I was happy she had found someone to pair up with that clearly brought her joy. That was 18 years ago! They are still together and so happy it’s gross. I think it was a much bigger deal to her than to me. I had gay friends, I helped start a lgbtq group at my high school.

She grew up when things were different. Maybe your mom needs time. I think the best thing you can do is make your acceptance clear and give her opportunities to share. I bet she will tell you soon enough, especially if she is confident that her relationship is long term.

SushiGuacDNA −  It seems likely that Kim has become your mom’s lover. But I don’t think it’s a **sure** thing. Your mom could be in denial. She could be curious, but not yet have taken any actual steps in that direction. She could be hopeful, but afraid that Kim won’t reciprocate, or even afraid that revealing her feelings would chase Kim off.

So I don’t think it’s fair to assume that you know what’s going on. Therefore, I prefer the more subtle approaches I’ve seen in other comments. Like, “You’ve been so much happier since you met Kim. I’m happy for you.” As opposed to ones that make stronger assumptions, like, “I know you’re a lesbian and I approve.”

rilakkuma1 −  I would go with something like “Hey mom, you know I’d be okay if you started dating right? And you know if be okay if you dated women too right? Just making sure you know”. And then give her a bit to work through that herself before she tells her.

[Reddit User] −  *but I feel like going ‘Hey mom, I know you’re munching Kim’s rug’ wouldn’t be good.* OH MY GOD I just laughed so hard I nearly passed out.

suellend −  I just didn’t get how is it clear that Kim is the woman she’s dating. To me, the fact she met her 2 years ago and is only now searching about safe s** with women would mean she just now met someone new.

Of course, it could be that they just now became more than friends but from what you told us, I don’t get how this was your first assumption, could you explain? Because I feel people are giving you advices based on the assumption she is dating Kim, the best friend, and that may not be the case and it would be awkward

zeatherz −  Honestly I think you’ve jumped to a conclusion that has the possibility of not being correct. It could be she’s interested in Kim but they’re not actually dating. It could be she’s interested in another woman. I just wouldn’t open the conversation by including your assumption. Make it more about accepting and loving her and not the premise of her and Kim being a couple

How would you approach a similar situation with your parent or loved one? Is it better to wait for them to open up, or should you address it directly? Share your thoughts and experiences below!