Update: should I move out?

A 16-year-old boy who had been struggling after moving in with his dad and his dad’s family following the death of his mom has provided an update. After feeling increasingly isolated and mistreated, particularly by his half-brother and his dad’s wife, he reached out to his dad’s best friend and his husband, who offered him a safe space to stay.

The conversation with his dad about moving out was emotionally difficult, with the dad agreeing to let him go without much resistance. Now, the boy is staying with his dad’s friends, who have been supportive and are helping him find therapy and a new school. Though he feels safer, he’s still processing his emotions regarding his relationship with his dad.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/pTdJT

‘ Update: should I move out?’

For those who didn’t see my original post, I (16M) had to move in with my dad (47M) and his family after my mom died and things have been extremely strained—the worst incidences being my half-brother ripping pics of my mom up and my dad’s wife leaving me locked out of the house—so I was given the offer to move out by my dad’s friend and his husband (Both 30’s M).

I followed a couple peoples’ suggestion and texted my dad’s friend that I wanted to leave and they ended up suggesting we all go out to lunch. I think they could both tell how nervous I was around my dad and my dad’s friend J ended up being the one to bring up the idea of me moving out.

My dad seemed completely blindsided by it and asked why I wanted to move out. J and his husband B reminded him about everything that’s been going on at home and I just kind of sat there. My dad seemed really upset and it made me feel terrible because I already felt guilty about leaving, but then he just asked if I really wanted to go.

I said yes and he just immediately agreed. It kind of hit me that I wanted him to try and fight for me, to say sorry for everything that he’s been letting happen, and for my dad to try and keep me at home but he just let me go like it was nothing. It’s been hard after my mom died and my dad’s the only family I’ve got left,

so it really didn’t make me feel any better about leaving, even though I don’t have to deal with my dad’s family anymore. B took me back to their apartment while J went with my dad to get my stuff from the house, and they had set up their extra room for me already.

He apologized that they hadn’t been able to do this sooner and that they hoped I would like living with them. J came back with all of my things and they kind of gave me time to decompress. I ended up sleeping for almost sixteen hours because I was so exhausted.

Over the last week, they’ve been really nice about making me feel at home and have talked to me about getting me into therapy to deal with losing my mom and everything that happened at my dad’s house.

They’re also trying to figure out how to move me into a different school so I don’t have to deal with my half-sister and everyone that knew my half-brother. It’s the first time in months that I feel like I can actually breathe and I don’t feel like I’m constantly on guard.

My dad hasn’t texted me much or reached out in the last week so I don’t know what’s going to happen with him but, for now, I’m safe I guess. So that’s what’s happened so far. Thanks for everyone that gave me advice and wished me well. It’s been really hard lately and it made me feel less alone.

Check out how the community responded:

DontmindthePanda −  I’m so happy that you’re happy, OP. But I think you have a mistake in your post.. You wrote: It’s been hard after my mom died and my dad’s the only family I’ve got left Some random people just gave you a home.

Someone who basically didn’t really know you before offered a spare room to you and that they’ll take care for you. They’re organising school stuff, they’re there for you, they’re dealing with your problems. They know when they should speak for you and give you the time you need.

You have at least two more family members, OP. You just got adopted. Maybe not legally, but people just adopted you in their lifes.. You’re not alone.

waaaayupyourbutthole −  Wow man… Before reading this update, I went back and read the other posts and all I can say is I’m *really* glad your dad’s friends offered you a place to stay. While I understand that your father’s wife was blindsided by the son of her husband and his affair partner (your mom, obviously) suddenly living with her,

there’s absolutely no excuse for her and her kids treating you like s**t. Good luck getting school stuff figured out!

AnnOnimiss −  I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. You deserve a fresh start

denbolula −  They sound like excellent people.

justathoughtfromme −  I sincerely wish you well going forward. Hopefully, the men caring for you now will show you the support you need and deserve. They’re already demonstrating more character and presence than your father did. His failures are his to own and don’t reflect on you.

As for your half siblings and your father’s wife, their a**orrent behavior is another example of your father’s failures. Rather stepping up to stop their mistreatment and be an adult he chose to hide like a c**ard. He’s a poor example of a parent, and in the future, you’ll likely look back at this moment as a blessing because it got you away from him.

Mevaboo −  OP, your bio dad has failed as a father and let you down when you needed him the most. He doesn’t deserve a son as awesome and strong as you!
I’m glad that you’re out of that situation and found 2 loving role models. You can choose your family and these guys chose you ❤️. Sending you big virtual hugs

ArtINArchitecture −  It sounds like you are in a good situation after being in a very bad one. It was good you moved out as your dad was not likely to change his wife and children. Definitely go to therapy. You went through a lot and it sounds like J and B are good people.

Maybe they have a little experience with tough family situations and can be there to help you. You can definitely now rest and then be able to get back up in a situation that allows you to focus on your best future. I’m sorry your dad didn’t work out, but after some time you will be 1000X better off than if you had stayed.

His family was a**sive to you when you aren’t the problem, just a consequence of your dad’s actions. However, you are your own whole human being and deserve happiness. His wife should know that.

His wife shouldn’t have been a bad person and treated you poorly and thereby teaching her children to treat you badly because of her own unhappiness with your father. Your dad likely let you go because he knew he can’t keep you safe from his chosen family and past choices.

He should know that you don’t deserve to live in that environment because of him. Hopefully, he will send you money even if he can’t face you out of shame he has against himself. You are just a person. Rest up, Heal, and go on doing person things.. Internet hugs and head pats <3

Cadmium_Aloy −  My dad seemed really upset and it made me feel terrible because I already felt guilty about leaving, but then he just asked if I really wanted to go. I said yes and he just immediately agreed. It kind of hit me that I wanted him to try and fight for me, to say sorry for everything that he’s been letting happen,

and for my dad to try and keep me at home but he just let me go like it was nothing. It’s been hard after my mom died and my dad’s the only family I’ve got left, so it really didn’t make me feel any better about leaving, even though I don’t have to deal with my dad’s family anymore.. Hi!

First, I’m so sorry you lost your mom. Not just your mom, but your family, is how it reads to me. That sounds incredibly traumatic. Can I recommend that when they help you find a therapist, that you find one trained in either CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) or ACT (action commitment therapy),

or someone who specifically works with PTSD/trauma. That being said, please make sure to bring up these feelings of guilt. The therapist will help you with through these. What I see right now “my dad seemed upset and it made me feel terrible/guilty”; I see you trying to manage and own his emotions.

This is something that’s incredibly hard to detect in yourself, and it’s even harder to learn to let go of that. Truly, he is the one failing you, not the other way around. His “upset” feelings are for him to deal with – not yours to try to make better. Additionally, my heart hurt for you reading the second paragraph I quoted.

I am so so sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately, people tend to grieve in wildly different ways, and they will get stuck on one of the stages. I suspect that, especially considering he was blindsided, he had no idea what to say. Of course I don’t know him. I’m basing this on observations of other people and situations- even my own.

Not to say that it was okay for him to basically abandon you emotionally and let your brother do what he did. You are absolutely normal and correct to feel upset and incredibly hurt. I encourage you to feel your emotions. It is normal to feel confused too – you are hurt, but you love your dad.

Your dad failed and neglected you emotionally, but he is also grieving. It’s confusing. I’m not sure if you’re hyper-empathetic – just know that there’s boundaries between understanding why someone hurts you and allowing them to hurt you.

I hope therapy helps you find peace. I started going this year and it is just not what I had thought it would be, and I regret not starting sooner. I hope eventually your dad apologizes. I hope you learn that you’re not required to forgive him, nor that you’re required to feel guilty of that upsets him.

ronearc −  For what it’s worth… It kind of hit me that I wanted him to try and fight for me, to say sorry for everything that he’s been letting happen, and for my dad to try and keep me at home but he just let me go like it was nothing.

I know that your Dad’s immediate agreement was painful to you, but in the moment like that, he may have been thinking more about how he’s obviously let you down, especially if he didn’t grasp how toxic that home environment had been for you.

And he may have just wanted to be supportive of you and a decision you’d clearly made already. This may also be the case if he was concerned about his ability to make his home more welcoming to you. If his wife and your half-brother aren’t likely to listen to him or completely change their awful behavior quickly,

then he may not have wanted to subject you to what would probably be a period of conflict and argument. He may have rationalized that this is the emotionally and physically safer option. But, you should make it clear that you do want a relationship with him, because he may be thinking that you’re done with him too.

And from what you’ve written, I think you’d regret not finding out if your Dad was willing to do the work to be a part of your life or if you just need a clean break and time to heal.

erm_what_ −  If you’ve not managed already, there’s a bunch of Photoshop subreddits that would help you repair the photos of you mom for free. There’s some really talented and kind people out there that could restore a digital copy for you.