My [33m] wife [25f] constantly makes a conscious effort to humiliate me during my lessons over Zoom

A teacher shared his struggles with his wife repeatedly disrupting his online classes, seemingly intent on humiliating him in front of his students. Despite his efforts to communicate the importance of his work and set boundaries, her actions escalate, leaving him anxious and unsure how to resolve the situation. Read the full story below.

‘ My [33m] wife [25f] constantly makes a conscious effort to humiliate me during my lessons over Zoom’

While under normal circumstances I would try to communicate my feelings to my wife, I am at my wits’ end for how to handle this situation, as I have exhausted all of the typical conflict resolution means. Being a teacher, I am currently giving lessons over Zoom.

I recognize that studying math over Zoom isn’t the most exciting thing in the world for students, and I can barely get them to even pretend to be interested in my lessons when we’re in the classroom, but they have done an admirable job of staying focused. My wife is making it extremely difficult on my end, though.

Several months ago when my lessons began, I went from working long hours to being at home all day. Unfortunately my wife does not seem to understand that while I am at home, and while I can occasionally help out with a chore or two, I still have actual work to do. Between lesson prep, grading, and meetings, my schedule is quite full.

The first time she interrupted my lesson, she abruptly opened the door to the room where I was teaching and loudly asked me to do the dishes. This was unbelievably awkward as I was in the middle of teaching three dozen tenth graders geometry.

I told her we would talk about it later, but not being deterred, she asked if that was a “yes” or a “no.” I said it was a “yes,” but that I was in the middle of a lesson. Without a word she closed the door. I got some chuckles from the students but a bit of red-cheeked embarrassment was the extent of the damage.

The next time, two days later, she again barged in holding a pair of my pants that I left on the floor of our bedroom. She loudly stated “you need to pick up after yourself.” This time, before responding, I muted my mic and turned off my camera telling her that I was in the middle of a lesson. Again, she walked away without a word.

At this point I moved my setup into the basement of our house so I could avoid further interruption. Since my basement looks like it probably has a few dead bodies buried in it, my students have begun to call me “Basement Dad,” which is endearing, but I would rather teach in a room where I’m not going to get asbestos in my lungs.

The trouble really began when I started locking the door to prevent interruptions. My wife will begin by rattling the door a few times, followed by pounding on it. Then she’ll groan loudly and say something negative about me. After that I can hear her walking around the house slamming doors.

A few weeks ago, she was literally jumping up and down, stomping her feet, in the room above mine. In the first months of these online lessons I set up a hotkey to mute my mic and disable my camera instantly when needed, and luckily my reflexes honed from Counter-Strike in my teens has paid off.

But there have been times where she has sneaked in an embarrassing moment for me. Every time I have patiently explained to her that I need complete quiet to teach my lessons, and she says “yeah yeah yeah OK.” Then in the next lesson, without fail, she’ll find something new to complain about and throw a tantrum, trying to humiliate me in front of my students.

While my mute game is on point, students have recognized something is wrong. One of my 9th graders even sent me an email asking if everything was OK. I had to make up a l**e excuse about needing to mute my mic because of a sudden grinding noise that happens in my old basement. There’s no way she bought that.

Since I’m unable to go out, unable to even enter the school grounds, and have no place to go to avoid my wife, I’m unbelievably anxious when I teach. I have tried talking to her calmly, and I even tried to get angry at her.

When I yelled at her for forcefully sliding plastic files under the door so they’d float down in the background during my lessons, she expected me to apologize for getting angry at her. How can I even approach this kind of problem?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

pallas_athenaa −  Not to sound like a d**k but why on earth would you want to be with someone so unsupportive and emotionally destructive?

Sweetragnarok −  I had a co worker with a wife that was super controlling and sadly very embarrassing to him. She has….issues and we are aware of it as a department. He was a wonderful worker and I have no complaints of his ethics bit his wife can cause serious damage. She calls and harasses our office lines if she cant get a hold of him.

If a female answers the office line, its a automatic cheating/mistress belief. She was an absolute Karen. She got karmad back when the line was accidentally transferred to a board member who was also female.

Some colorful words were said and the Board held her cards till the end, revealed her role and said due to her actions her husband can be up for suspension and corrective action. She begged and stopped calling/harassing. She was a stay at home wife who’s world revolved around her husband who was already checked out in trying to stop her.

He did get reprimanded too but at least it was a reality check for his wife. **edit:** forgot to mention he worked 2 jobs to support his wife even though he lives frugally. OP you need to be more stern. Normally I wont condone snapping back but if your wife kept doing that it would have been a mute the mic/cam and a WTF is wrong with you comment to her.

Explain you can get fired, get in trouble (even if its not true) but being a teacher your public persona as a positive role model is a HUGE deal at your work…that even harmless jokes and pranks can have consequences. Also they pay you for the hours at work to work…not do chores. If she needs anything, to text you and you will get to it on break or after work hours.

You gotta put a HARD Stern boundary. Since she acting like a child, its time to scold her like one. Forgot to add: people mentioned PPD. Since you Have an 8 month old. Have this discussion with your doc on the next appointment.

If she is o**rwhelmed with the chores see if you can hire a relative or a day baby sitter for 2-3 hours 2x a week to help out with house chores or grocery runs your wife cant do. There will be lots of college or HS students willing earn the extra cash and even learn some housework or 2. Having a another person in the house may deter her from throwing tantrums

**Super helpful Edit**: u/drholistic5 made a great point in her comment as she works in the educational sector. Most school do have a Code of Conduct policy inside and outside the classrooms for both faculty and students regardless if you are in school or outside.

Being we are in a world of cancel culture- his wifes actions may pose a serious threat to OPs job especially if either of them snaps and is caught on camera. **Edit** Wow thanks for the rewards kind redditors. Also gonna fix my grammar haha.

**Edit 2** I like to add this happened to me personally years ago. i got fired from my job bec my ex interfering with my work. Not only was I fired, i have a ban to not be able/blacklisted to work with said company for life.

This is one of the biggest video game companies in the world 🙁 **Edit 3** OP updated- so I updated also a response for him for a healthy alternative where to do classes instead of car.

the_last_basselope −  Tell her that unless she wants to go out and get a job to support the family she needs to cut the childish s**t and let you do your job uninterrupted. If she still keeps acting like a 2 year old, tell her she quits immediately or you will leave to stay with family or in a hotel so that you can work.

hedgeh0gburrow −  What the F**k is her problem, oh my god…. Does she work? Does she need a hobby? I don’t know this woman or what her deal is, but I would try one more time to have a serious discussion with her about boundaries and not interrupting you while you’re at work because it makes your job and the students’ jobs’ harder.

If she does not understand after this next time, I would seriously examine your relationship, since she does not seem to prioritize your work. What else does she disrespect about you?

loki_odinsotherson −  Tell her you got written up for being too distracted while teaching. Make her realize how serious your job should be taken.
Edited to add – people seem upset or offended over the idea of lying to your partner. OP already tried to talk it out rationally.

She basically ignored him and escalated her behavior. So probably signs of bigger problems either with her or the relationship. But this is his job. Lying isn’t supposed to solve his actual problem, just to stop it from interfering with work. Temporary solution before he figures out the real issues.

bobagirl1234 −  If this is not pre-baby type behavior for her, really take a good look into post partum depression. Also, reach out to her OB. 8 months falls squarely within the window and I’m sure covid isn’t helping. She isn’t well. Get her the help she needs.

t13husky −  There was a similar post with a volunteering paramedic and his wife constantly sabotaging him getting ready when he got an emergency call. He also tried confronting her multiple times and she reacted the same way your wife did.

Everyone on reddit told him to leave but he was able to resolve this issue, and get his wife to go get treatment for her ocd, by having his wife watch a video of a paramedic on the job and also had a coworker friend tell her how important it was that he needed to be ready.

If she won’t take your seriously, I’m sure there are videos about the difficulties of having to teach from home during the pandemic. If you have a colleague that she’s also an acquaintance with, maybe they can call and explain why you need to command respect in your classroom especially with teenagers.

Even if she is won over and agrees to let you have quiet time while at work, these issues will keep on popping up if you don’t get some counseling or therapy for her ppd (as many on this thread have pointed out that she might be suffering from).

Traeyze −  She is throwing straight up tantrums, clearly there is more to this than just wanting to humiliate you. This is how anxious children try and get attention, by acting out, so I get the sense she is wanting something from you that placating her can’t offer since nothing is changing.

This isn’t about resolving the active tantrum or conflict. It is about getting to the core of why she is throwing them in the first place, why it is that she seems to need your focus when you are working. So you have to ask that. ‘Does walking around slamming doors seem like a reasonable thing to do?

And if it doesn’t, what is it you are hoping to achieve with it? Why is it that you are going to such lengths to raise issues and create conflict when you know I am working? None of the issues are ever enough in and of themselves to inform why you get so upset, so what are you really trying to get across to me?’ Etc.

Basically you just have to challenge each of the behaviours and get a sense of her motivations because as it stands it is clearly escalating and I worry it goes to pretty scary places if left long enough. I worry that given how extreme her behaviours are the problems might be a little deeper than just frustration at you not putting your pants away or whatever.

MizBMickE −  It seems that your wife’s passive aggressive game is on point. I’d like to just tell you that it sounds like she isn’t dealing well with having you home all the time, but that’s clearly not the only issue. It sounds like her maturity level is below her age and she has poor communication skills. I have 2 ideas.

1. My guess is that this isn’t your only issue with your wife. Therapy sounds in order, if you’re interested in working on your relationship. It’s my opinion that you should think long and hard about that, because you’d need to want it to work.

It sounds like there might be resentment built up on your part, understandably. I mean, she’s jeopardizing your job for attention. That’s how I read this. Some might wonder if you even want to save the relationship, after that… as it does sound quite toxic.

2. If she’s not willing to do counseling and you want to stay with her, despite lack of resolution, I suggest you find somewhere else to do lessons. Maybe your car?

sam715t −  Wow! I am flabbergasted! I was a school administrator for 20 years, so I completely understand your need for privacy and quiet so that you can concentrate on your content as well as clarify students questions.

You teach high school as well, so these kids need to master this subject matter not only for their high school diploma, but to give them a solid foundation if they move on in a STEM major in college. So not only is she interrupting your teaching, but she is distracting students and interfering with their learning.

This is difficult because she sounds emotionally immature. (I apologize if that hurts your feelings; it is normal for us to want to protect our spouse or children from criticism.) Explain to her that her interruptions are the same as when an another student makes a scene and you need to stop the lesson to discipline that student.

Remind her that your work pays the bills, and if your administrator decides to pop into your Zoom meeting to observe you, her behavior could directly impact your evaluation appraisal and possibly your career. If she enjoys her lifestyle, she needs to wait to complain about your faults until your contracted day is over.

Give her a whiteboard to write out all her complaints throughout the day so she doesn’t forget to rip you when your day is over. I would also tell her that not only is she putting your professional reputation on the line, but she is stealing instructional time from the students who need you.

It isn’t fair when students are already struggling to learn virtually for them to have additional interruptions that aren’t warranted. She wouldn’t call you or interrupt you when you are at work, and just because your body is in the house doesn’t mean that you are actively there.

If she can’t respect you, your career and the students, then maybe she needs to move back to her parents’ home until she is mature enough to be an adult. I wish you all the best in their very difficult situation.

What would you do in this teacher’s shoes? Is this a sign of deeper marital issues, or could clearer communication and counseling help resolve the tension? Share your thoughts and suggestions below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/JDcmK