I (26F) am struggling to come out to my late husband’s parents (50s)

A 26-year-old woman shared her struggles with coming out to her late husband’s parents, who have been like family to her. Despite their kindness and support, she is afraid of how they will react, as they are religious and family-oriented.

She’s been dating her girlfriend for a year and wants to introduce her, but she fears that coming out may strain or even end her close relationship with her in-laws. She feels conflicted about hiding her girlfriend and is overwhelmed by the situation.

‘ I (26F) am struggling to come out to my late husband’s parents (50s)’

My husband and I started dating when we were in high school and we were together till he passed away three years ago. Their house has been a safe space for me even before we started dating. They have been better parents to me than my biological parents. They are the only family I have.

They are kind and wonderful people. However, they both are religious. Family is a huge deal for them, personally and culturally. I really don’t know how they will react to me coming out. I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year. I have told them I am dating someone.

They are very supportive. They want to meet this person and I really want to introduce this wonderful woman to them but I feel incredibly scared to do it. I think they are worried about me pulling away from them. I really can’t stand the idea of losing them but we are planning to move in a few months.

She is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life and I don’t want to hide her. You really don’t know how much time you have with people you love and I hate the idea of staying in closet. This feels a bit overwhelming to me. I don’t know how to handle this, which is embarrassing as I should have an handle on this by now.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

ypsilon42 −  That’s a really tough situation. First of all, you shouldn’t be embarrassed, coming out is always hard, but it is extra scary with people that are important to us.
Other than that, I don’t know how much advice I can give. Have you tried figuring out how they feel about queer people in general?

Like if you bring up a neighbour or a friend or something? You could also try to find out where their church stands, not als religious people or churches are h**ophobic. It sounds like there is a lot of love between you, but in the end only you can predict the reaction.

If you decide to go for it, I think I would to it on your own and not just surprise them with the gf. But I would also have someone standing by, in case it goes badly and you need (emotional) support. Maybe you can look up some resources for coming out to religious parents, it sounds like the situation is similar enough. I hope everything goes well for you.

indpendentlovesong −  Try also posting on r/relationship_advice and r/actuallesbians for more advice

gobsmacked247 −  Question:. Did you tell your parents? I’m just curious because as much as you love your exes parents, are you just as anxious to tell your parents. If you are not anxious to tell them, why? Is it because you don’t care what they say or think. Either way, one approach is to tell one parent first.

Don’t do it as a big “I have something to tell you” and then have it be hours or days before you spill. Plan an outing. Tell him or her. This is a big deal and there will be a reaction (good, bad, or indifferent.) How they respond is based on them and their relationship to you. Since you can’t control that, just be as much yourself as possible when you tell them. If you are not prone to big buildups, don’t do it that way.

littlestray −  However, they both are religious. I think it would be a good idea to seek advice from leaders in their religion (e.g. a priest). You can do this confidentially and figure out what you’re “up against” and how to navigate coming out in a way that understands what their religion says on the subject.

Be sure to get the correct subgroup as opinions on topics like this can widely vary within a religion. ETA: it may even be a good idea to have a faith leader present as a mediator, kind of like a therapist would, so if they have any concerns the faith leader can address them then and there.

RetiredGuyKen −  Tell them you are falling in love with a lady. I loved your son and you as family but I must move on in my life. It would be great to maintain relations with you but I’m OK if you are not comfortable with that. See where it goes from here.

karinsimmercat −  I can’t comment on your update (comments are disabled), so I’m commenting here: I’m very happy for you, glad everything worked out!

tfresca −  I would frame it as you can’t date another guy after their son. They’d probably be flattered on some level and understand. It’s a white lie.