I (32F) snooped on my husband’s (33M) phone and found out he is bi

A Reddit user shared their discovery about their husband’s bisexuality after snooping on his phone. She regrets her actions but feels conflicted about whether to bring it up. The messages revealed her husband’s fears of coming out and how it might affect their relationship, including concerns about divorce or losing her trust.

Now, the user feels guilty for invading his privacy but also wants to reassure him of her support. To find out more about the story and the community’s reactions, read on below.

‘ I (32F) snooped on my husband’s (33M) phone and found out he is bi ‘

we have been married for 5 years. My husband has different message tones for all his closest friends. Over the last weeks he has been texting a female friend, I think she got a text from her through the day and it was way above normal that I noticed it. He has also been very protective of his phone.

He always used to leave it unlocked, would lend it to me if I wanted to do a quick search but he has been with his phone. He never locks his phone and he always takes it with him wherever he goes. he had told me that at the start of their friendship – 12 years ago- he had feelings for her but it was fleeting and they have a really strong friendship.

I was feeling jealous and betrayed. I have been cheated on before and I still am a bit insecure about this. Two days ago, He had left his phone unlocked. I opened his messenger and he last message was – I am good at hiding it.

I should have just left the phone at the table and minded my own business but that text confirmed all my fears and I couldn’t stop myself from opening it to read. I regret it. He wanted to come out but was scared. He was scared of my reaction.

He was scared that I would not find him attractive anymore and that we would have to get a divorce. He thought it was not worth coming out. I came to my senses and I kept his phone back on the table. My head is spinning a little. What do I do know? should I tell him that I know and that it is okay?

I feel terrible for hiding things from him. I want to apologize to him for snooping on his phone. I also feel a bit sad that he was more comfortable trusting her than trusting me which is not very mature on my part. would it be better If I tell him? I want to do what would make him happy but I can’t just ask him that.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Mother_of_Grendel −  It seems that most people are saying you should tell him, but I’m in the other camp. He needs to come out and share this information on his own timeline, forcing him before he is ready can be really really damaging.

You can help him by having conversations or dropping hints that aren’t specifically about him that indicate you are okay with this development in your relationship… But let him broach the subject when he is ready. The only partially concerning thing here is that he felt he could confide in his friend before you, but that doesn’t seem too worrisome to me.

I would probably confide in a friend before telling my partner something like this if I knew there could be negative outcomes from this discussion. She is being his sounding board while he works it out, and it might hurt that he didn’t come to you, but he also has a lot more to risk by discussing this with you.

At some point you guys will need to talk about it and you will need to reassure and remind him that you are his wife and should be the person he talks to first, but considering the specific nature of this, it doesn’t seem unreasonable that he would seek out an outside voice.

Telling him you snooped forces the conversation to occur which he might not be ready to have. If it were me, I would be more angry about that than the fact that you snooped in the first place. Just something to consider. Best of luck! Edit: aww thanks for the awards guys! My first ones!

PaintedSwindle −  As a bi person, I want to echo the other commenters saying to wait and let him come out to you. See if you can find ways to show your acceptance of lgbtq people at random times, like during a tv show with queer characters.

Try not to be too obvious about it! When I was deathly afraid to come out to family or friends, it helped me immensely to hear them randomly show their acceptance of lgbtq people!

Charming-Ad-2381 −  As a bi woman who’s in a relationship with a bi man, I advise that you wait. If you tell him you know then you’re forcing him to come out & that’s fudged up. If you love him, you will wait for him to come out to you. Please please don’t take it personally, everyone’s coming out is for different reasons.

He probably needed someone to give him an extra “you’ll be ok, you got this!” encouragement before making the plunge. I’m sure you’ve discussed things with friends about what to say or do, and he has done the same. But please, I am begging you, let him come to you.

Fear_is_like_fire −  I think you should tell him what you saw. If it doesn’t change how you feel about him I’d tell him that too. Personally I wouldn’t see him talking to his friend first as a problem because he was scared, 

and has so much more to lose if you reacted poorly than if his friend did I’d be hurt he decided to hide it because it would feel like he didn’t think I would still love him and I would hate for my partner to have to carry that weight around , but again I can kind of understand. Bi-p**bia and bi-erasure are problems, especially for men.

Even in the comments here someone is suggesting asking if he’s only married to your because you are a good beard to hide him actually being gay. If he’s from a conservative background he’s probably got messages like that his entire life, and it’s made it take longer for him to understand his s*xuality.

When you do tell him I wouldn’t force a conversation if he’s not ready. A “hey, I sensed something was off and was feeling insecure about our relationship so I looked at your phone. I saw what you said about being bisexual and scared to tell me. I wanted you to know that it doesn’t change how I feel about you or our marriage.

I’m a bit hurt you felt like you couldn’t talk to me about it, but I understand how scared you must have been about losing this relationship because that same type of fear is what made me look at your messages.

You don’t have to talk to me about it now, but I want you to know that if and when you do feel ready to tell me about it I will be ready to listen. I love you.” or something like that would probably help both of you feel much better.

notme3219123 −  Idk how much help this is, but a bit on my experience from your husband’s side of this: My advice is to let him come out on his own when he decides to. In the meantime, small shows of general support for LGBT people and issues might help him see that you’ll be okay with it, as long as they’re not overly obviously implying that you know.

Forcing the topic on him could be damaging and traumatic. I offered a little bit in a response, but to put it here as well, I was scared sh*tless to come out to my husband, even though I knew he’d be accepting. I had conversations with a friend first to work out my feelings and try to figure out how to tell him.

So many people seem generally supportive until it comes to their own spouse or family. There’s always a fear that someone won’t react the way you think they will. There are many stereotypes people seem to believe about bisexuals being unfaithful or dissatisfied with monogamy.

(edited to add) And some spouses in your position struggle with insecurity in feeling like the other person might leave them because of dissatisfaction with monogamy, or not being able to give them everything they might want, enough to affect the relationship. His fear that you’ll want a divorce someday is unfortunately not unfounded.

In the end, I had to tell him because hiding it was eating me alive. I was so nervous and scared and serious, I probably came off like I was going to tell him I’m dying. Only for his reaction to be something like, “Okay. You’re my wife and I love you. And I’m not surprised.” I can’t describe the relief after that.

Several months later I came out to him as nonbinary. That was even scarier. I texted him an essay about that because I couldn’t even get the words out. Anyway, all this to say that I hid conversations while I was working through my feelings too.

I was definitely off for several weeks, my husband expressed after I came out that he knew something was up and was waiting for me to tell him. I’m grateful that he waited until I was ready and I’m extremely glad that I knew already how he felt about other members of the LGBT community.

That helped me decide that risk in coming out to him was pretty low. But I was still scared.

[Reddit User] −  DO NOT TELL HIM. Look coming out is a delicate thing. He’s not cheating on you. He loves you. Don’t force him to come out. Just be there for him when he’s ready. Snooping was wrong and you shouldn’t have done it.

[Reddit User] −  Unfortunately this is what happens when you invade someone’s privacy. You done the crime, now do the time by at honest about it. Just say, I was insecure and went through your mesgs and saw that your afraid to come out to me.

ScatheArdRhi −  Well As long as he doesn’t cheat…. That is my line of no return. If I am in a relationship and my girl is Bi I don’t care as long as she doesn’t cheat.. If she cheats its over. But if our relationship stays the same (Monogamous) My feelings are so what. Tel him you know but as long as he doesn’t stray you don’t see a problem.

xamberglow −  I’m sure he seems this as a shameful part of him and because he loves you very much he’s very fearful of your reaction because it means that much to him. He doesn’t want to risk losing you. I would tell him that you snooped, apologize for it, and then tell him that you are okay with it.

CauliflowerFit2973 −  The question is… are you okay with him being bi?