My parents hate when I “space out” when they fight or yell at me. What do I (17f) do?

A 17-year-old Redditor shared how they mentally “space out” as a coping mechanism during their parents’ frequent fights and yelling. While it helps them stay calm, this behavior infuriates their parents, who accuse them of being distant or “messed up in the head.” The user is unsure how to handle the situation while preserving their mental well-being. Read the full story below.

‘ My parents hate when I “space out” when they fight or yell at me. What do I (17f) do?’

I don’t have the happiest home life, my dad and mom got into a lot of fights because he was cheating on her. I don’t know why they’re still together honestly He and she fight a lot, and when that happens, I just kind of mentally shut down. Like let my eyes unfocus, stop paying attention to my hearing or other senses.

Just relax into my own mind. It honestly feels like an out of body experience a little, I feel untethered from my own body, like I’m floating through empty space. It takes a while to come back too; like I feel kind of like I’m deep deep underwater and anything that someone says or does is blurred and delayed so much by the time it gets to me.

I know that sounds super weird but honestly it’s the thing that’s keeping me sane through this s**t. But I think it’s been making my dad and mom really mad, when either of them is angry with me and I go to that place, they get furious, they yell at me for being a “f**king vegetable” and accuse me of being messed up in the head. Tried to shake me out of it once. Been telling their friends that I’m autistic. I don’t think I am.

I know it makes them mad but it’s honestly the nicest thing I can do for myself, I’m so sick of their s**t. If I can’t go somewhere physically, I guess the next best thing is to leave there mentally.

TLDR my parents get mad at me for going to that other mental place when there’s anger at home, but I don’t want to stop doing it

See what others had to share with OP:

YnotZoidberg1077 −  Hey, OP, I used to do the same thing with my parents, and later with several boyfriends. It’s definitely called “dissociation” and it’s a normal thing that your brain does to protect itself during traumatic events. It doesn’t mean you’re autistic, different, or broken in any way; it just means that your parents are awful, s**tty people. I’m so sorry.

Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do at all about this. You’ve probably said to yourself something like, “next time I’ll do *xyz thing* instead of freezing up and zoning out,” right? After getting screamed at, I always tried to think of something else I could do or say the next time, but almost always ended up disassociating again instead.

And the truth is that your parents, in that moment, are already targeting you with abuse, so they may pick apart or scream at you for *anything* you’d do in those situations. At least retreating into your head is predictable for everyone involved, and easy to do, so that’s why your brain does it. It’s okay.

At 17, you could try to become emancipated, but it may take longer than just waiting for your 18th birthday, depending on how far away that is, and honestly it’s a pretty difficult legal battle. Your best bet is to try to just hold onto your sanity however you best can until you’re 18, and then leave as soon as you can.

If there’s a friend’s family who would take you in, I’d recommend reaching out to them. Finish school however you can, do well in your studies, and apply for as many scholarships and grants as you can if you want to go to college after high school.

If you can’t or don’t want to go to college, that’s okay too; you’ll find a job, and there are resources out there in your state to help you get on your feet (medicaid, food stamps, section 8 housing, Planned Parenthood can help get you on birth control, etc) if your income is low.

When you leave, bring all of your important documents: photo ID or driver’s license, passport if you have one, birth certificate, and social security card. You’ll need your ID and soc card (or birth certificate) for onboarding at any new job, and the others are *yours* and will help you replace anything you might lose.

Keep them in a safe place that nobody else can get to, and that can’t be lost or stolen (don’t keep them all in your wallet or car!). If you have a bank account and your parents are listed on it, you should make a new account at a completely separate banking institution once you turn 18, and don’t tell them about it if you think they’ll try to access your money. Move your money from the old account to the new account without telling them.

I’ve been where you are. I’m 32 now. It gets better. Your situation will get better too. Just remember that this isn’t forever, and that you’ll be able to get out of there at some point. And please reach out to someone you trust for support in the meantime! If I can help at all or if you want to talk, please feel free to reach out to me. I’m here and not going anywhere.

Edit: Thank you so much for the silver (edit2: and other awards, omg what?!)! I really appreciate it, but my main focus is on OP. Does anyone know of any trauma resources she might be able to access for free online, or other ways to help her without alerting her parents?

helendestroy −  I know that sounds super weird. It’s a very common coping method for a**sive situations. Do you have a plan for getting out of their house? How soon are you 18?

[Reddit User] −  I think this would qualify as dissociation. It’s very common to dissociate when in a**sive and stressful situations. Even though their verbal violence isn’t necessarily directed at you, simple being subjected to that type of turbulence causes trauma.

And the fact that they turn on you and abuse you by calling you a “vegetable” and “autistic” when you don’t act like their behavior is acceptable demonstrates that they don’t like having to think that their behavior might be wrong.

You dissociating puts a limelight on how damaging their behavior is toward you and that’s probably why they react so negatively to it. They’d rather you go skipping along putting on a face like everything’s normal rather than have to acknowledge the damage their constant arguing has done to you. Loads of people have to deal with a lifetime of therapy because they were constant witnesses of fights between their parents and it leaves mental scars.

I’m sorry, OP. I really don’t have an answer for your problem here. I imagine that attempting to talk rationally with your parents about why it’s not okay for them to subject you to their constant yelling, is futile given the way they’re behaving whenever you shut down.

I would probably do my best to avoid being around them when they start arguing and start preparing financially to move out as soon as you are 18 and the COVID-19 situation has ended.

LunarHare82 −  Please contact a teacher or counselor or social worker in your school. You are experiencing abuse. You are exerting a severe and potentially dangerous reaction to that abuse. You are a minor and therefore are able to access services that would be more difficult for someone who is 18. Do this NOW.

MorthaP −  That feeling is called dissociation btw, it’s a common reaction to emotional trauma or stress. So.. yeah. Sadly your parents s**k. I’m sorry I don’t have good advice other than move out as early as you can.

ConsistentCheesecake −  You are dissociating and it is a common response to trauma, as other commenters have said. It’s what your mind has to do to cope with the abuse. I hope you can get out of that household, because it’s unsafe for you. If you can stay anywhere else, leave.

d13f00l −  That’s disassociation and maybe depersonalization. It doesn’t lead anywhere good. Similar situation tbh 20 years ago. Never got therapy. I ended up just killing off my emotions and ego. Operated like a robot for years. A bit different now but I feel like my ability to deal with emotions is hella stunted because I shut them off for over a decade. Some emotions are still gone.

Acceptable_Recipe −  It sounds like they’ve done a number on your psyche, and that zoning out is your way of coping with that. When you move out, you’ll probably look back and realize just how awful this environment really is. I would suggest that you start making a plan to move out asap when you can, and get into some form of therapy for the years of damage this has inevitably caused.

MaevaM −  Do you have any other relatives with whom you can live?

AClockworkProfessor −  You’re experiencing dissociation. You should make a plan for a) getting out of that house and b) getting counseling for what might be some PTSD symptoms here. You’re going to be fine, but it’ll take some time and effort.

How would you suggest this teenager cope with a toxic home environment while maintaining their mental health? Should they confront their parents, seek outside help, or continue to protect themselves through mental detachment? Share your thoughts below!