I (28M) messed up by asking my girlfriend (26F) to stop talking about her late boyfriend

A 28-year-old man shared his struggles with balancing his relationship with his girlfriend, who lost her college boyfriend in a tragic accident five years ago. Though he respects her grief, he feels overshadowed by comparisons she often makes between him and her late boyfriend.

A recent incident, where she brought up her late boyfriend during a celebratory moment, led him to ask her to stop mentioning him, which caused tension and hurt feelings. Now, he seeks advice on how to address the issue sensitively and productively. Read the full story below for more context.

‘ I (28M) messed up by asking my girlfriend (26F) to stop talking about her late boyfriend’

Her college boyfriend passed away in an accident 5 years ago. I (28M) understand that he will always be part of her(26F) life and she will always love him. her grief and trauma and how she dealt with losing her boyfriend is a part of who she is as a person. we have been dating for 2 years.

The problem is that she brings him into our relationship. Every time I make a mistake or get hurt. she always brings up how he used to treat her and how I should try to be more like him. She doesn’t do it an accusatory way but it still kinds stings. It has been getting to me.

Yesterday, I got news that I received the promotion I had been vying for. I was not very hopeful about getting it. It was a position which had many candidates from all different departments. We celebrated a little. We started to talking about how we could do all the things we had planned for.

In the middle of the conversation, I joked about being too anxious about these things. she responded by saying that Her Boyfriend had always been so calm and collected. Very chill about everything. He could just shrug off anything. I am exactly the opposite. I am anxious and a person who worries a lot.

I don’t know why but it hurt me a lot. I asked her to stop talking about him. She looked offended but didn’t respond and I just ruined the night. we sat there for a few minutes before she decided to clean up and go to bed early. I feel like I am being compared against someone I will never match up to.

I know that he is very important to her but can’t she cherish him without making me feel like s**t. She has been distant today. I know she is hurt. She has barely spoken to me today. I feel, I should have just ignored her comments and rolled with it. My message and delivery were all wrong. I feel guilty about hurting her.

I should have done a better job of being sensitive about this and brought it up when she were celebrating. I want to sort this out and have a productive conversation with her so that we can deal with this issue, How need some help going about that.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Impossible_Edge1176 −  I don’t think you’re in the wrong here. Yes you could have been more sensitive about it which you acknowledge and should apologize for but I really don’t think you’re in the wrong. You’re being held to an impossible standard and that’s 100% unfair to you.

You can’t even celebrate your own accomplishments with out her trying to make it all about him. It sucks that it came to a head like this but used this as a chance to finally address this issue.

[Reddit User] −  You cannot move forward in your relationship with a dead guy hanging over the two of you. Yes she can grieve and miss him. That isn’t what she is doing. She is using him as a tool to aid in making you feel less than someone else. Seriously. She needs counselling.

Whatcrysis −  It’s often very hard to say things calmly or reasonably, when you are hurt or angry. You don’t say if you have talked to her about the issue. You really should. She hasn’t moved past her late bf. People only remember the good stuff when people die, never the bad stuff.

You can never be his equal, because he is dead. He can’t s**ew up. It is not fair for her to compare the two of you. You need to tell her how it makes you feel. She is free to remember him in her mind. But not in yours.

Trifoliumhare −  Like the others, it’s not weird that you feel like this. Comparing your current partner to an ex like that is not ok, even if he’s dead. Yeah, you could have worded that better, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. But rather than her just stop talking about her dead partner, she probably needs counseling.

But honestly, you don’t have to be there for it. You deserve a partner who appreciates you, and don’t compare you to others. She might be a good person, but she hasn’t been a good partner to you. I don’t think she’s ready for a relationship with another person.

Arcades −  Even if this guy was *alive* she should not be comparing you to him. To compare you to a dead person, who was likely not as perfect as she makes him out to be, is completely out of bounds. It sounds like part of her never dealt with the grief of losing him and she idolizes this dead lover.

I’m sure he had his faults, too. A productive conversation starts with her agreeing to stop using him as a comparison. Whether you want her to be introspective about her feelings for this late boyfriend or not will be up to you.

Whatbecameofyou −  There are three people in this relationship, OP, but only you get to decide if you are willing to be part of that. She is not ready to move on. I’m sorry, but she isn’t. Her comparing the two of you OUT LOUD to your face during a normal conversation is a very big red flag.

I hope she is in therapy, because she needs it badly if she feels the need to bring him up so often. I get that she is grieving, but she is so focused on her love and admiration for him, she isn’t focusing on developing a relationship with you.

You talking about being stressed was absolutely an inappropriate time to float about what a wonderful personality her ex had. She has issues and she needs to resolve them, because the vast majority of people would not tolerate constantly living in the shadow of an ex.

incognitothrowaway1A −  I think you are right and she’s wrong, Her bringing up an OLD BF from years ago is just plain mean and hurtful. Why would comparing you to anyone ever be the correct thing for her to do??? Personally if she can’t be with YOU and wants to compare you to a fantasy then you are better off without her.

She needs to apologize to you NOT vice versa. My advice — dont run after her. Let her apologize and come to you.

1stofallhowdareewe −  Nope you did nothing wrong. She should not be bringing him up so much and absolutely should not be comparing you. She needs to get into therapy to resolve her feelings on this. She will never be able to move forward how you are. SHE ruined the evening bringing him up.

You will never measure up and that’s an issue. She needs to let go and accept he gone and not coming back. If she wants to be with you she has to actually be with you.
She has fond memories of him and that’s OK. But constantly bringing him up is not.

[Reddit User] −  It’s not as though she is just talking about him, she’s using him as a means to put you down, something that is never ok – whether he is dead or alive.
You need to enforce your boundaries and whilst it’s not the case that she should never mention him or forget about him,

she needs to stop putting you down or comparing you unfavourably to him. You have not messed up. Don’t apologise for her bad actions, you’ll only end up validating her if you do.

ZCMI1960 −  “I’m sorry I’m not your ex boyfriend , and I can never be. If you can’t accept that, we better part ways”