UPDATE: AITA For canceling on our family cruise?

(Apologies in advance because this will be a long post). First off, hi everyone! Sorry for posting and then dropping off the face of the Earth haha. I wrote the original post at work during my break and then as soon as the day ended my boyfriend and I headed up to the cabins his family rented for the holidays. First, please read my original post: https://aita.pics/hIrLa

‘ UPDATE: AITA For canceling on our family cruise?’

The article has the next update at the end.
I wanted to be fully present with them so I didn’t actually have a chance to check this until today and I can’t believe how many people chimed in! I appreciate everyone who took the time to share their thoughts, even though I wasn’t able to get through all of them.

I tried reading some comments but got o**rwhelmed by the sheer amount there was and gave up after scrolling for 20 minutes. So, instead of responding to people individually I will try to address some common things I saw in the comments. If there’s anything I missed addressing, let me know and I will try my best to provide an answer! Skip ahead like 10 paragraphs if you want to get straight to the update, I am prone to yap a good bit.

Obviously, I’ll start with the 10K in back rent. To me, the number itself wasn’t the issue—I mean, yeah it is definitely a bit higher than I would’ve liked, but not completely unreasonable. For the amount of time I lived there it’s not like I would’ve been able to rent my own place at a cheaper price, and if I hadn’t moved in with them I would’ve completely depleted my savings and probably gone into debt.

While I was laid off and looking for a new job in my field, I had a serving job and did some freelance writing work as well, so I was contributing to groceries but not paying rent or utilities. Because of that, I understood why my parents wanted help once I was in a position to do so. I just wished they had defined that expectation from the beginning instead of springing it on me as a surprise.

I paid it because I know it was an inconvenience for my parents to have me stay so long (especially during some home renovations) and it didn’t feel worth the pushback if I refused. I know it would’ve turned into a whole big issue and it just felt easier to pay the money. Yes, I probably have some pushover tendencies that I need to address. Luckily, I’m in a well-paying field (I’m a technical writer) so once I got my new position, I was able to pay my parents back in about 6 months while also saving up to move out.

The timeline for anyone curious is: I was laid off in January of last year. I used my savings to pay rent until my lease was up in June, and then I moved in with my parents. I lived with my parents from June of last year till September of this year, when I moved in with my boyfriend.

I got my current job in May, which is when my parents told me that they wanted back rent and rent moving forward until I moved out (they said it was to help motivate me to get back on my feet). So not ALL of it was back rent technically, but I just used that term to try and be more concise. By the time I moved out, the total amount I owed had added up to the 10K, and I had already paid off most of it.

I also saw a couple comments about pursuing legal action against my parents, but I don’t think that’s worth it or even possible. We never had a written contract and I didn’t argue against paying it. I didn’t want them to be able to hold that over me. Going through any legal issue would just dredge the whole thing up again and I’d rather not do that. It’s paid now, so at least it’s over with.

In the future, I know I should probably be less willing to give into their demands. It’s just difficult when things have been this way my whole life and my experiences have shown me that any refusal paints me as ungrateful in their eyes. I try so hard to be perfect because I just want them to treat me with the same care and support as they do with James.

The worst part is, James and I were super close growing up. When we were kids, we hung out all the time. He was the one who taught me how to ride a bike. He stood up for me when I was getting bullied. I don’t think he’s a bad person at all, he just never learned to stand on his own two feet. Our relationship is strained now because he doesn’t get why I have issues with our parents. I miss the brother I would stay up playing Runescape with.

I’m pretty sure he fully buys into the idea that he needs extra help since he’s always gotten it. He doesn’t know how to do or expect anything else. At least he’s still nice to me, but he just refuses to see the differences in how we’re treated and he basically wants me to just s**k it up and be part of the family. Sadly, all his support just disappeared once it came to issues with our parents. I hope James gets some distance from them one day and we can reconnect. I don’t want our relationship to keep suffering because of this.

Sorry to get sappy for a second. But back to the comments, another thing I saw some people ask is why I didn’t tell them sooner that I was cancelling. I know that was a petty move on my part but had I told them earlier, they would’ve spent those months trying to convince me to go and insulting me if I continued to refuse.

It seemed like such a hassle and the way I did it was much easier. And yeah, maybe this is s**tty of me, but I did get some satisfaction out of it. It felt good to treat them at the same level they treat me. Besides, it’s not like it actually affected their trip. They still went, just without me.

Many of the comments brought up the idea of going low contact or no contact with my family, and it is something I’ve now been considering. My boyfriend is supportive of this decision since he has seen firsthand how my parents are. I’m sure my friends will be supportive as well if I explain the full story (Most of them have never met my parents and I’ve tried not to get into the whole family dynamic with my friends since it’s depressing for me to talk about, and I also didn’t want to come off as just whining all the time. Prior to this, they’ve only heard some small complaints here and there.) With all that out of the way, here’s what happened since my last post.

My boyfriend and I got to the cabin late Wednesday night. I gave his mother a bouquet of her favorite flowers and she loved them. We had a quick glass of wine while talking with his family before heading to bed. I was still a bit uncertain of my decision so I probably wasn’t as peppy as usual, but they didn’t seem to mind. That night I made a promise to myself that I would put my own family issues aside during the trip and just focus on having a good time with my boyfriend’s family who have always been so gracious to me.

On Thursday, we woke up early and helped his mom with some preparation for the food and set the table. After, we played some cornhole with his cousins and sadly lost due to my complete lack of athletic ability. The Thanksgiving meal itself was delicious and his mom is such a good cook! Everyone was very sweet to me and made me feel so welcome as part of the family, which helped me feel much better about my decision to spend the holidays with them.

Towards the end of the night, his mom even said to me that she knows it is ultimately up to my boyfriend, but she hopes I can join the family for real someday! I told her I would be honored if that happens and we hugged. I really do hope it will. I love my boyfriend so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. His family is also an incredible bonus.

I had such a wonderful time on Thanksgiving and enjoyed the rest of the weekend as well. We went on some great hikes, hung around by the bonfire, played board games, and watched movies. My boyfriend also spent some time looking after his little nephew and watching them play with legos together definitely gave me some slight baby fever (though that is not something I want to act on for at least a couple years).

We got back yesterday afternoon and I am already missing everything. It was genuinely a blast and there was no family drama, which made my family seem like even more of a mess. I feel like I’m rambling a bit now (honestly, I probably have been the whole time) but I’m just so excited to share what a good time I had during the holiday and that I definitely made the right decision!

Unfortunately, this update isn’t entirely positive. I wish it could be. My parents reached out last night and they still weren’t happy about my choice. I guess the sea air and unlimited drinks didn’t do enough to relax them. My dad sent a passive aggressive text of cruise pictures with a message that said “Sad that you chose not to be with your family in such beautiful places…” and I sent back a picture from my trip with my boyfriend’s family and said “Looks like you guys had a good time, so did we!”

Then my mom called and said she hoped I regretted missing out on a great family vacation and spoiling their memory due to a “petty grudge” against my brother. I told her my issue wasn’t with James but rather their unfair preferential treatment between the two of us. My mom said that I was the one being unfair by comparing our situations since James needs help while he figures out his direction in life and I’ve always been much more independent.

I told her the only reason that’s true is because they never truly allowed me to depend on them. She said she wasn’t going to apologize for raising a self sufficient daughter, and that I should either grow up and be grateful for everything they’ve done or leave them alone for good and break their hearts all at once instead of doing it piece by piece.

She called me cruel for dangling the hope of a wonderful holiday only to snatch it away at the last second. (Even though they seemed to be just fine without me there based on the photos my dad sent and what they posted on social media).

I was really upset by this point and pointed out multiple examples of how they prioritize James, just hoping I could finally make her understand how growing up like this has affected me. My mom said I had a lot of nerve to put their parenting under a microscope when I have no children myself and have never had to make tough decisions. I had enough of the conversation and said I guess I’ll just leave you guys alone like you want since I’ll never be enough for this family anyway.

I hung up and started crying, but my boyfriend was really supportive as always and we spent the rest of the night eating ice cream and watching The Hunger Games to cheer me up (I absolutely love the series and am so excited for Haymitch’s movie to come out!)

It was weird to go back to work today after everything and act like nothing was the matter, but I think it was also a good distraction. Since I chose my boyfriend’s holiday plans instead of my family’s, I actually came back feeling mostly refreshed (besides the events of last night) instead of drained like I most likely would’ve been after the cruise.

I haven’t heard anything more from my parents yet but I have a feeling they’re just bluffing. I’m sure once they need something they’ll reach out, or they’ll probably try and smooth things over by Christmas so they don’t have to explain the situation to our extended family.

I haven’t decided yet if I’ll be open to reconciling. On one hand, I know I deserve better than to be treated as a burden and an afterthought while doing so much for them. I’m tired of trying to live up to their expectations and I’m not optimistic about their behavior ever changing. But on the other hand, they are my family and it’s just so difficult to fully walk away. I just want to feel the love and acceptance from my own family that I get from my boyfriend’s family. Why is it so hard for them to treat me like I matter?

I’m also worried that if I don’t make nice with them, they’ll twist the story to make me seem like the problem and my extended family will be mad at me too. There are people I like within my family, but my parents have a lot of influence over everyone’s opinions. I don’t know if it’s worth putting up with them to at least keep some ties to my family, or if it would be better to accept the loss and move on from a dynamic where I am clearly not appreciated. I want to keep my brother at least, but maybe I’m just holding on to the past and that version of James doesn’t.

exist anymore. I hope that’s not true. I just don’t know how to get through to him since he is so brainwashed by my parents and thinks they can do no wrong. I’m not sure if I’ll ever truly get my brother back. I’ve got some big things to think about now, and I don’t know if I’m ready to make sure a major change to my life.

I do believe I’d feel much freer and lighter if I at least distance myself from them, and maybe even cut contact entirely. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens. I’m sure I already know the answer to this, but is it stupid to still hold out hope that things can work out?

Update here: https://aita.pics/lWrgw

These are the responses from Reddit users:

GroovyYaYa −  Glad your holiday was a good one, and sounds like it went well to establishing a good, long term, healthy relationship with his family! If I were you – I’d reach out to some of those relatives that you do like… hopefully the most gossipy one. Make up a reason. (Hey, do you have a copy of grandma’s cookie recipe? I want to make it for my boyfriend’s mother as a thank you for hosting me over Thanksgiving!)

Establish the basis of the truth – you were invited to cruise with your immediate family on your own dime, but it would have required dipping into your savings AND leaving your significant other behind. I wouldn’t even MENTION that they paid for your brother…. just that a cruise wasn’t in the budget, considering you want to build your savings back up after being laid off.

Admit that you didn’t really tell your parents until the last minute which you know disappointed them – but that you were hoping to figure something out budget wise AND you chickened out on tellilng them because you knew they’d pester you or question how much you make or have saved.

Stick with that story over and over. Again, leave your brother and their unbalanced treatment of you both out of the equation. Why? Because they’ll tattle on themselves in that they paid for him and his girlfriend but wouldn’t pay for you. I would say to your mom and dad that you aren’t sorry for deciding to not spend so much money on a vacation this year, but you do apologize for not telling them earlier. (Earlier can mean the day before, or the last day you had to book it, etc.)

Frankly, it would have been interesting to call them on the day the payment was due and say “I can’t afford it without dipping significantly into my savings, which I’m trying to build back up after being laid off. Sorry – spending Turkey Day with boyfriend’s family!” If she complains about you not dipping into your savings, etc… well, having a emergency fund/savings account is all part of being an independent woman!

NanaLeonie −  Your mother will never admit that she has been less than generous to you than to your brother. Bottomline : you paid the back rent your parents requested and you know they will never expect your brother to pay them *anything.* I do think things can “work out” and you can have some sort of relationship with your parents and brother, at least be on speaking terms.

But don’t ever let yourself be treated like Miss Tag-a-long who is the family Cinderella. I suggest you be very strong in your mindset than you are never going to raid your savings to attend a ‘family’ function/trip that you would be treated as less than your brother in their esteem.

RaymondBeaumont −  Do yourself and your boyfriend a favour.. Don’t reconcile. If they lie, then just post on facebook the truth and block those who are on your parents’ side.

AwkwardFortuneCookie −  Please get ahead of your mother s**t talking you to the family and reach out proactively to the ones you want to keep a relationship with. I’m sure they are aware of your family dynamics after so many years, and just giving them a heads up “hey, this is what happened and why, in case my mother tries to spin a different narrative.”

Btw, I am a mother also, and I wouldn’t dream of treating my child so unfairly. She’s using that as an excuse to be a crap parent, and someday, you may know that fact first-hand as well and will understand what a cop out that really is. Still NTA.

RandomName8844 −  NTA. I’m so glad you were able to have an enjoyable holiday with your boyfriend and his family. You can go no contact now and always revisit letting them back into your life down the road. At the moment, though, it doesn’t sound like your mom is going to recognize her own toxicity any time soon. Sometimes the family we create is better than the one we’re born into. Good luck and keep us posted!. Updateme.

LadyIceis −  NTA. Please understand that until your brother wakes up, nothing will change. As long as they have James to use and baby. They have no use for you. I know this hurts, but sadly, it’s the truth. If other family decides to stand up for them, then they are part of the problem. Don’t let others change your mind. The moment you move on and have a family, they will come begging to be a part of it. This is where you say, “I am a mother now, and I know what you did was wrong. So I will not allow you around my children. “. Updateme!

whiteprisonbitch −  Oh you are going to “keep “ your brother, you are just going to pick up where they left off in “supporting “ him in his way to sort himself out. My in-laws was like that to my husband, and now he is stuck with his “James” (younger sister) sucking him dry around every corner because she can’t help it. Trust me, it’s never f**king ending.

Helanore −  I wonder what your parents retirement plan is. Will James take care of them or will they guilt you into it? Sounds like you should never give them a dime again.

MyFriendsCallMeEpic −  To reconcile both sides need to listen to one another. You seem to listen but they are in denial so reconciliation is not possible. You are not wrong however, it is not your fault your parents are failures. I would skip Christmas too, otherwise they’ll just rug sweep this too. I’d confide in an aunt or cousin who will re-iterate this back to the family at chirstmas gathering too so they cant spin the story. Glad you had a fun time with the bfs fam, they sound absolutely lovely.

Valuable-Job-7956 −  It seems to that you are damed if you do and damed if you don’t. If you make nice with your family they. Will continue to treat you like as an. Afterthought. And walk all over you. If you go low or no contact with them. They will say to your extended family. That your the problem and cut you down. The difference between the These two. Choices is this. The first one allows. Them to talk down to you belittle you.

And to a certain extent control you.. The second one lets them set the. Narrative and tell the family it’s all. Your fault. If it was me I would go. with number two it will be hard. at first but after some time the. pain will fade and maybe some. of them will see though your. parents falsehoods. You also. seem to have a very good. Relationship with your boyfriend’s. family be glad of that and try to. move on.