I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair.

A Redditor shares her frustration with a boyfriend who prioritizes nothing in their relationship beyond the bare minimum. Though kind and accommodating, he engages in activities like visits, communication, and physical intimacy only to make her happy—not because they matter to him. When she asked what he values in the relationship, he called the question “loaded and unfair.” She’s left wondering if their differences are too stark to reconcile.

‘ I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair.’

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He’s quite stoic, not very emotional. He has a tendency of just saying or doing anything to keep the peace and hates conflict. We’ve sort of fallen into a pattern of me wanting things (to talk more, to do more things etc) and him doing them ‘to make me happy’.

Nearly every time he does these things or I bring up that they’re important to me, he says that those specific things are not important to him. Here is a list of things he’s stated are not that important to him:

* Physically being in the same place. We’ve recently gone long-distance (not far though, about two hours away from each other) and when I mention I would like to see him more or be together more, he says that being physically together isn’t a big deal for him, or not ‘as important as it is to me’. He says that he ‘doesn’t mind’ going to see me, as long as it’s not inconvenient.

* S**. Our life has dropped off since we first started dating (not significantly, about twice a week now instead of five or six, not a big deal). He’s mentioned before that s** just isn’t that important to him. It’s fine and he likes it, but not a priority. He rarely initiates anymore.

* Physical affection of any kind. He’s not a cuddler at all, he doesn’t care much for kissing (he’ll mostly do it because I want it, I feel, though he hasn’t stated this expressly).

* Communication. Since we’ve been together he’s stated that he doesn’t feel the need for any type of meaningful communication or to talk much. He will do it to please me.

* Doing activities together. He doesn’t feel the need to do anything specific together. Doesn’t see the point of dinners out, doesn’t see the point of social events.

* Holidays together. He hates holidays, doesn’t see the point in them.

This list goes on but these are the main ones. Also, these things came out slowly during the course of the relationship. He would do the above activities, and only later tell me he did them for me. The only activity he’s ever said he enjoys doing (with me) is watching a movie together at home. He also enjoys buying little gifts for people in general) and will buy me little thoughtful gifts.

Last night, he told me that he can’t afford to come visit me (it is about a $50 flight) because he’s decided to go to a wedding (his friend’s ex-girlfriend’s sister’s, whom he has never met, don’t ask) where he will spend way more than that.

I’ve come to visit him twice in a row and can’t travel during the period we’re both free because my own sister is visiting during that time from Europe (he’s close with my sister btw, and him not visiting will mean he won’t see her as well). I said that two months of not seeing each other is long for me and that it sucked.

I wasn’t angry, but definitely upset, and I said I didn’t want him to not go to the wedding (I actively encouraged him to go) but that I feel he doesn’t ever put anything in our relationship on priority.

He then told me again how the same things that are important to me in the relationship aren’t important to him. So I said okay, you’ve told me many times about the things that aren’t a big deal for you/aren’t a priority, and that’s valid. So what IS important to you within the relationship? I said it doesn’t have to be the same things as mine, but surely there is something within the relationship that is sacred or a priority for you?

He said that was a loaded and unfair question and refused to say anything. He then said that some of the things I stated were important to him, just not as important as they are to me, and not something he would necessarily sacrifice other things to do. I just said goodnight and hung up after that, and now don’t know what to say.

He is a kind person and I appreciate that he does things to make me happy, but I wish there was anything he did just because HE wanted. It must be tiring for him to constantly be doing things he doesn’t want to do, and it’s tiring for me to know it’s always, always a chore for him.

I don’t know if it was bitchy of me to put him on the spot or if it’s something valid that should be addressed. We are so different, but I enjoy being around him and I really do care for him. I’m just starting to feel that we are too different and want very different things.

tl;dr my boyfriend has a list of things he doesn’t consider super important in a relationship. I asked him during a semi-argument what he DOES consider important. He thought I was being unfair and has still not answered.

edit: I really didn’t expect this to blow up the way it did! Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to leave comments. I want to go through each one properly, sorry if I haven’t replied to yours yet! The consensus seems to be that this isn’t a relationship he’s invested in and that I should cut my losses.

I think this is something I’ve known subconsciously for a while, but to have nearly a thousand people reaffirm it makes me feel like I’m not the crazy one for once. I also think I need to visit this whole issue in therapy and explore why I feel the need to just be in a relationship, why I don’t expect more for myself, and why I don’t think I can do better than this.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

[Reddit User] −  Jeez. I don’t want to sound rude but I don’t know how you date him. Everything he said he feels isn’t important for a relationship is incredibly important for pretty much every relationship. I also think you asking him what his list of important things is reasonable as he certainly isnt a conventional man.

[Reddit User] −  I think that he only wanted to be in a relationship. My husband’s friend does this whenever he realizes he is lonely. He has no goals other than finding a girlfriend and checking that box. The only important relationship thing to him is being in a relationship. Everything else is work that he isn’t willing to sacrifice his time for.

fermat1432 −  I love you asking him what IS important to him in the relationship. Sorry that I have no advice for you.

WitnessMeToValhalla −  It just doesn’t sound like you’re very important to your robot- er, I mean, boyfriend.

ThisOneForMee −  No, it wasn’t an unfair question at all. He just didn’t want to be pinned down with an answer, because the truth is that he just doesn’t care about this relationship nearly as much as you. He didn’t want to give you any kind of answer that might’ve resulted in you two doing more stuff together. I’m sad for you.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He’s clearly told you what he will and won’t do as a partner in this relationship. Up to you to decide if it’s good enough (hint: it’s not)

anubis_cheerleader −  I am going to ask you a question. How important is it to you to be in a relationship, in general, vs. dating this particular guy?. My question IS loaded, btw.. His answer was…lacking.

Wereallgonnadieman −  This dude is a dud. He sounds like an outright d**che, tbh. What is the point of this”relationship”?

ryo3000 −  The list that he doesn’t care for:. * Talking to you. * Being near you. * Doing thing with you. * Being affectionate to you. * Having s** with you * Listening to you – Proof is that he cut contact because you asked a question. Are you sure you’re dating him? I mean, i’m closer with my co-worker than you are with your bf, and f**k i was recently fired.

it looks to me that he checked out of the relationship, consider it to be too high maintenence If he literally put everything in the “I don’t care” zone, he pretty much said: “This relationship is not important to me. I’m doing this to make you happy.”. I’ll ask again OP Are you SURE you’re dating this person?

[Reddit User] −  Are you sure he isn’t gay and just using you as a beard? I mean, the question you’re asking is the same one I would: what *is* he getting out of this relationship that *he* finds important and worthwhile?

I can’t say I’d be all that willing to stick around for someone who doesn’t feel like making much effort to come by for months at a time. Are you even in a relationship at that point? Even LDRs, in which the couple can’t see each other more than like twice a year, are only this way because of circumstance, *not* choice.

[Reddit User] −  Does he actually get anything out of your relationship besides being able to state that he’s technically in one? All the things he said don’t matter to him are basically what people do in relationships. He doesn’t care much for being around you, doing things with you, talking to you, being affectionate and having s**. That’s barely a friendship.

Maybe he truly is happy but if that’s the case, you’re simply not compatible. If he doesn’t want anything more, you can’t make him, but it’s also unfair in you since you want those things and he can never give you them because he actually wants to, so he’ll never initiate anything unless asked. It’s not like one of you is required to be the bad guy for the things to not work or be unsatisfying. You’re just too different.

Balancing differences in relationship priorities can be exhausting, especially when one partner feels unfulfilled. What would you do in this situation? Is compromise enough, or should mutual enthusiasm matter more? Share your thoughts below!