I (30F) and boyfriend (31M) live 40km apart and have very conflicting schedules. Haven’t seen him since beginning of August. He cancelled a date last night right before we were meant to meet. Feeling rejected. Am I wasting my time?

A Redditor shares their frustration about the lack of effort from their boyfriend to make time for them despite their conflicting schedules. They’ve been dating since May, but with the boyfriend’s band commitments and the Redditor’s custody of her daughter, their relationship has become increasingly distant.

After six weeks without seeing each other, the Redditor was looking forward to a planned date, only for the boyfriend to cancel last-minute due to being “sick.” This, coupled with previous instances where he prioritized other things over spending time together, has left the Redditor feeling rejected and wondering if they are wasting their time. Read the original story below…

‘ I (30F) and boyfriend (31M) live 40km apart and have very conflicting schedules. Haven’t seen him since beginning of August. He cancelled a date last night right before we were meant to meet. Feeling rejected. Am I wasting my time?’

We’ve been dating since May and as the title says, our schedules are very conflicting. We live in the same city, 40km apart. I have primary custody of my daughter (6) from Monday to Friday – he is yet to meet her so since we started dating we’ve only really seen each other at weekends when my daughter is with her dad.

At the moment my daughter’s dad lives in another city about an hour away for work reasons, but he is in the process of moving back to our city in the next few weeks as he wants to have more time with her and have her stay over with him during the week as well, and take her to school and things, rather than just having her at weekends. In fact he is looking for a house in our city at the moment so once this happens, I will have a bit more free time.

My partner is in a band and they do gigs some (but not all) weekends. I was fully aware of this when I met him, and I am a fairly independent person anyway who likes her own space, so not having him around 24/7 and only seeing him once every week, or every couple of weeks, suits me fine right now.

However, we’ve got to a point where I haven’t seen him since the first week of August and it’s now mid-September. I called him on Friday night to see how he was, and whether he had any plans for the weekend, and he suggested we do something together as he didn’t have any gigs booked and we hadn’t seen each other in such a long time.

I was looking forward to it. However, as I was putting my makeup on and getting dressed and ready, I got a message from him saying that he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to see me. (We’ve seen each other sick before!)

I know we are both very busy people and my own situation doesn’t help things, I am the first person to admit that. But it hurts that in six weeks he hasn’t been able to find any time for me at all. Even a quick drink on a Friday night or brunch on a Sunday, I’d be happy with that until I have more free time.

I have always made time for him by meeting up after his gigs, talking until the early hours of the morning when he’s needed me, things like that. (I had bronchitis once and that didn’t stop me from seeing him!)

I invited him to stay over a couple of weeks ago as he had a gig near my house, to save him driving all the way home late at night, and he turned me down because he had to go and pick up something he bought off the internet the next morning!! (Ironically, his car broke down that night literally 5km from here and I never found out if he ever picked up the thing he bought.)

I basically feel like I am single, that he has completely lost interest and that I might as well go back to being on my own because I feel so rejected. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to feel this way. Am I wasting my time here?

TL;DR – conflicting schedules resulting in not having seen partner for six weeks. He makes no effort to make time for me. Feeling rejected and wondering if I’m wasting my time.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

rosepetalmemories −  His excuse is pretty l**e. You two are only 30 min apart yet haven’t seen eachother in a month and a half? He really doesn’t seem interested.

[Reddit User] −  You are single. Yes you’re wasting your time chasing this one.

ottoneurseolo −  He lives 30 minutes away from you, but can’t see you for a month and a half. I think he has lost interest in you and no longer cares. Break up.

imtchogirl −  So why did you hang out with him when you had bronchitis? Why give him all your late late nights? He may be taking advantage of your willingness to always be there, and enjoying how easy it is to be with you- you arrange it, you come by, you always work around his schedule, you demand nothing. Even if he drops off for six weeks, here you are, available and ready. I mean, value yourself! Value your time and your priorities.

You’re not letting yourself be pursued, and you’re not putting the responsibility on him to arrange to see you as well. Don’t make it so easy. It’s ok to inconvenience someone else and to be sick and cancel and to expect them to make at least half of the plans. It’s ok to expect in dating that they put in some effort.

When you look for your next guy, expect effort, expect flexibility, expect interest. Expect him to show up for you. Otherwise you will not be finding a true partner. Find a man who wants to be in your life too, not one who will just accept your presence in his because it’s convenient.

iSoReddit −  Yeah I’d say you’ve wasted enough time. Date someone who’s schedule works for you and who wants to spend time with you.

jazzy3113 −  I think you know the answer, but you just need a push to actually initiate the break up. The short answer is this: we are all busy, but we make time for those we love and respect. Nothing, certainly not 40km, would keep me away from someone I love or even mildly care about.

He’s 31 and in a band. I don’t think he’s ready for a serious girlfriend who already has the baggage of s kid and ex husband. It’s probably too much of a commitment for him. It sounds like he’s just keeping you on his roster. Sorry friend, time to move on.

Silvia_hdz −  When someone is interested in you they will do anything they can to spend sometime with you. They way he texted you to cancel was just not right. He could’ve said something more along these lines, “I’m not feeling so well right now, wrong be able to take it today but I will make it up to you.”

This is a better way to answer instead of saying, “…I don’t want to see you” however this is my opinion. You can talk to him and figure out what’s going on, and after talking to him seeing if it’s worth it spending your time with him.

bluesun68 −  Sure seems like your wasting time. I drove 140 miles (225km) each way, almost every weekend for the last 4 years. But I’ve given up and the last two weekends I didn’t bother.

Sheephuddle −  It sounds like you’re living the single life without being free to live the single life, if you know what I mean. Maybe a last email – “I’ve enjoyed our time together but our schedules are so different, this isn’t going to work out. All the best with your music!”

namelessghoulette234 −  Hes no interest in you, you’re not even in a relationship with him

Do you think the Redditor is overreacting to the lack of effort, or is her frustration justified given the situation? How would you handle the balance between personal commitments and maintaining a relationship? Share your thoughts below!