My (20F) BIL (30M) is an a**hole and yesterday was the last straw

A Reddit user (20F) shares her frustration with her brother-in-law (BIL, 30M), who has consistently made hurtful comments about her appearance and personality, masking them as jokes. His behavior escalated when he defaced her shoes with a marker.

After confronting him, the user decided she no longer wants to tolerate his behavior, though she still wants to maintain her relationship with her sister, especially since she is pregnant. The user’s sister apologized for BIL’s actions, but the user remains angry and hurt by the situation.

‘ My (20F) BIL (30M) is an a**hole and yesterday was the last straw’

For context: My sister (27F) is now pregnant with their 2nd child. Me and sis started really getting to know each other 4 years ago. Prior to that we didn’t really have any meaningful connection because of the age gap and other family issues. Her and BIL met and have been a couple for 5-6 years now, so he’s always been around.

He’s basically “the clown type” as I may say. He makes fun of everyone that’s not on his “superior level” (even of my sis, calling her names when I’m around- she says she doesn’t mind). He also constantly makes fun of our father (because he’s very conservative) and jokes about him every time he gets the chance to.

I’m really busy with school, but on a good month I’d probably hang out with them (at their place mostly) once a week. Me and my sis are getting along just great, have a lot to talk about and I love her a lot.

Ever since I met BIL he started making fun of me in a way that made me really sad, like “why are you so shy/ skinny/ sad? Nobody will ever like you. You have no friends because of x thing.” In a somewhat jokingly manner so that if I ever said he was being mean, he would say “oh, I’m only joking, don’t be so sensitive”.

For a couple months now he started making fun of my appearance- “you have Dumbo ears”, “your nose is like a skiing slope”, “you’re as fat as a cow” (I gained a little weight but nothing serious). I think I’m fairly good looking but his words really bring me down and I start questioning it.

He also started pulling pranks on me- he painted my face pink when I was about to head to a party with my other sister, and because he is much heavier then me I couldn’t get away and had to redo all of my makeup.

Yesterday, I was hanging out with my other sister (18F) at their place. My BIL’s wife was at work and he came home to grab something. He enters the house and says “your belly looks like Jabba the Hutt when you laugh, you’re so fat OMG”. I didn’t say much thing back and just started packing my bag to head out. When I’m about to put on my shoes I notice he has written my dad’s name all over them in red marker.

For the first time ever, I got really mad and yelled at him. I told him that it is too much and very mean of him. So he started rubbing my shoes with alcohol and the writing is gone, but they’re still red from the marker and look like s**t. I just grab them and tell him “I never want to see you again, I hate you” and left.

When his wife found out, she texted me that she’s sorry for what he did- but I just didn’t reply. I’m so mad about it all. I still want to be around my sister (especially since she is pregnant and their other son always asks to see me +I love them so much).

Edit: Thank you so much for your advice and kind words! I don’t think I need any more advice for now. Will probably post an update at some point. I think I will be meeting my sister to discuss this and probably avoiding him as much as I can. Also, I will try to clean my shoes again, and if that doesn’t work I will tell him to buy me another pair and that I won’t be tolerating his a**sive behavior anymore.

TL;DR: my BIL makes fun of me and has pulled a really bad “prank” on me. I still want to see my sister, but not him.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

njinok −  He sounds like an insecure twat and if she wants to put up with him and that behaviour, that’s on her, but you don’t have to take it. Hang it with her elsewhere but don’t go to the house.

You’re amazing, he’s just projecting his insecurity. And you know what, if he starts that crap again it’s perfectly ok to be mean back. Really go for the jugular, that usually shuts those type of people up.

Yossie −  I´m a strong believer in that insults are not jokes. The whole mindset that you have to kick other people down to have fun is quite frankly disgusting. Usually people have acquired enough empathy by age of 30 to not do this, but seems he is quite immature. People should stop ignoring his behavior and call him out for his insulting behavior.

bickets −  He also started pulling pranks on me- he painted my face pink when I was about to head to a party with my other sister, and because he is much heavier then me I couldn’t get away and had to redo all of my makeup.

Hold on… did he physically hold you down so that you couldn’t escape to paint your face pink? Is that what you are saying? Because while he’s clearly an a**hole, physically restraining you is a whole ‘nother level.

HammerAndSickBurn −  None of this is “jokes” or “pranks” – it’s all cruel and a**sive. Your sister may have normalised it but you dont have to – stop being around him

redditavenger2019 −  He owes at a minimum a sincere apology plus a new pair of shoes. Go buy another pair. Hand the receipt to him with your hand extended. If he makes a joke or refuses tell your sister to call when the baby comes. Turn around walk out. Believe me sis will wake up to the juvenile behavior and you will get your apology and payment. Good luck.

[Reddit User] −  He needs professional help. I’m not saying that sarcastically. He really and truly does.

DiTrastevere −  So see your sister…and not him. Invite her to come to you. Meet her out for lunch or dinner. Have her bring the kids if she likes, or leave them at home if she wants one-on-one time. Nothing dictates that you *must* hang out with her in her home with her husband.

This does mean you’ll probably see her less. Unfortunately, them’s the breaks with married couples. If you reject one of them, it cuts into your relationship with the other. But that doesn’t mean you have to cut your sister off completely (let’s hope she doesn’t refuse to see you without her husband present). It just means that the price of this boundary is less frequent visits.

visionsofsugarplums −  I’m married with 2 younger siblings. My husband has been in their lives since they were 15 and 13. He would never treat them bad because they are MY siblings, which makes them his siblings too. He is always helping them out and doing things for/with them.

You need to talk to your sister. She needs to put her foot down on how he treats you (and her). If she won’t then start saying something to him everytime he is mean or rude. Tell her you won’t put up with it and you are a human being who deserves respect.

Remind her that her kids are going to see how he treats people and is that how she wants her son treating his siblings. Is that how she wants her husband to treat their son? No one likes to be talked to like that. It’s only funny if both people laugh, if only one is laughing… Its not funny. Point all this out to her. Odds are she probably doesn’t realize how bad it’s gotten because this has been her life for a while now.

ottoneurseolo −  ” For a couple months now he started making fun of my appearance- “you have Dumbo ears”, “your nose is like a skiing slope”, “you’re as fat as a cow” ” ” He enters the house and says “your belly looks like Jabba the Hutt when you laugh, you’re so fat OMG”. I didn’t say much thing back and just started packing my bag to head out. “

This guy is a zero. You have far more value in life than he could ever have. And your sister need to put her foot down with his behavior Invite your sister places and have her bring her son with her. Avoid the BIL as much as possible. Also if you go to your sister’s try to do so when the BIL isn’t there.

[Reddit User] −  Tell him and your sister that you won’t be speaking to him, visiting him or answering your phone from him until he buys you a new set of shoes and sincerely apologises for his disgusting treatment of you.

\ he painted my face pink when I was about to head to a party with my other sister, and because he is much heavier then me I couldn’t get away. I would have been kicking, flailing and screaming bloody m**der until he let me go, then I would’ve been calling the police. NOBODY gets to physically restrain me and abuse me. You are majorly under-reacting here. Do not allow yourself to be in the same room with this man, ever, EVER. I’d still file a police report now.

Remember also that your sister has been enabling him this whole time. If my boyfriend had been treating my sister the way your BIL treats you, he’d be my ex BF for a LONG time by now and I’d probably still be trying to make it up with my sister due to the guilt of having allowed it even ONCE. Your sister is repeatedly allowing him to abuse you. I would be pulling back from her, too, and telling her that every tme she fails to stand up for you, she is hurting you too.

It’s tough when a family member’s behavior crosses the line, especially when it feels like it’s being brushed off. Have you had a similar experience where someone you cared about was hurt by a family member’s words or actions? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts in the comments!