Update: Am I [32F] being unreasonable with expectations of my husband’s [37M] parental and household responsibilities?

A Reddit user shared their experience of feeling burnt out and overwhelmed by managing nearly all of the household chores and mental load, particularly after having children. They sat down with their husband to express how his lack of participation was affecting them both emotionally and practically.

The conversation led to a productive and open discussion, where the husband acknowledged his shortcomings and apologized for not recognizing the full extent of the user’s efforts. The couple is now working toward better communication and a more balanced approach to household responsibilities.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/onGvd

‘ Update: Am I [32F] being unreasonable with expectations of my husband’s [37M] parental and household responsibilities?’

After finally a month when the kids were laid to bed and there was more quiet and less chaos. I sat down at the table and discussed with my husband how I felt burnt out and exhausted assuming nearly all of the household chores and mental load.

This came after I came prepared with a written sort of cluster diagram of every chore that I do and all the mental “inventory” I have to keep track of in the house (e.g. shampoo, groceries, diapers, kids clothes, toilet paper, etc) I explained that I have to keep all the balls in the air,

if I don’t, then it negatively affects how easy the household is run and will negatively affect other people. For example, if I just boycott keeping track of things that run low, such as toilet paper or diapers or laundry detergent, it’s not good for anyone. A kind of “emergency” situation would arise.

If my husband fails to do his chores, he was oblivious to how it implicitly places the burden on me to pickup the slack. His time spent on leisure activities and not his household responsibilities shifts more chores on to me, while diminishing *my* free time that I could have.

The household is like a business and everyone has to chip in and do their part. After explaining all this, my husband was very open and apologetic of the fact he was so unaware of how his behavior and lack of action was negatively affecting me.

He confessed his “radar” for seeing things on the floor or that need to be put away just wasn’t there and he really needs to keep working on making that better. He also apologized for prioritizing his fun hobby projects over completing his chores first and then, consequently, leaving no time for his chores due to the interruptions of our kids.

He also apologized for his lazy behavior and said he’s really going to make a better system for himself to get his household tasks routinely done that doesn’t require me asking.

In the end, he said he really appreciated me bringing this up in the way that I did and reaffirmed that everything I do “Does not go unnoticed” and that he is so thankful for all that I do.

It feels good to talk things through calmly as adults and come to a healthy solution that comes with concrete action. Here’s looking towards a less-stressful future ahead 🙂

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

creatingapathy −  I’m glad you and your husband were able to discuss the situation calmly and he responded positively to what you have to say! I am curious however, did y’all actually come up with a plan to divide the household labor? I believe you when you say your husband *intends* to do more work around the home, but as they say,

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” A plan such as a chore chart, timeline for doing chores (e.g. mop the floor every Wednesday, load the dishwasher every evening) takes away a lot of the need to develop “radar”. Responsibilities are clearly and explicitly laid out which sets everyone up to succeed.

maybeimthemonster −  Ahhhh I have had similar discussions with my partner [28M] and it always starts out amazing! He will get up, do the dishes, tidy up, put the night nappies in the rubbish but then after a week or so he’s back to laziness and hobbies first again! I hope that your husband sticks to this long term for you!

[Reddit User] −  Your husband is still not being financially fair because none of you domestic labor is compensated. You say in your last post that expenses are split mainly 50/50 despite him earning 2-3x more than you; you justified this by saying he ends up taking on slightly more cost paying for large purchases and some bills.

This financial breakdown does not take into account that you perform +80% of childcare and household work– which you deserve *money* for. This is why families so often share expenses, because its a team effort. You and your husband deserve the same amount of financial freedom.

stefaniey −  Communication wins the day!

ftjlster −  Hey OP, you should update in a few months to see if your husband has actually made changes or if things have gone back to the way it was.

Logeboxx −  This isn’t especially relevant but I am curious after your first post. Do you guys not have a shared bank account? The idea of paying everything 50/50 in a marriage seems weird and overly complicated to me, why do you do it like that?

root363 −  I kept waiting for the punch line. Good on your husband for his attitude. Can he call and talk to mine?

Kressstina −  Good on you! I had the same talk with my partner just before New years, about being exhausted and having to take the largest portion of responsibilities and most importantly – the initiative. It’s extremely hard having to be the only one to set things in motion all the time,

with household chores and general planning always running at the back of ones mind. We were both in a rut, but are now in a much better place. Best of luck to you both!

maybeimthemonster −  Haha love it! My partner does say just to remind him and he will do it but constant reminding seems like nagging. Seems easier just to do it myself sometimes