My (29F) step daughter (18F) wants to give the present I bought my other step daughter (15F) and take all the credit.

A Redditor shares a tricky situation with her stepdaughter, Brittany, who wants to give a birthday gift meant for her younger sister and take full credit for it. The Redditor purchased the gift with Brittany’s input and intended it to be a joint present, but Brittany insists on presenting it as solely her own to impress their mother.

With her husband too ill to mediate, the Redditor seeks advice on how to navigate this conflict without damaging their budding stepmother-stepdaughter relationship. Read the full story below.

‘ My (29F) step daughter (18F) wants to give the present I bought my other step daughter (15F) and take all the credit.?’

Alright so I married my husband (37M) about 6 months ago. He had an 18 year old when he was 19 and was married to her mother for about 15 years.
They got divorced and we get his kids (15F, and 8M) for 2 weeks and then their mother gets them for 2 weeks. The 18 year old (let’s call her Brittany) lives with her (45M) boyfriend.

I’ve had a really great relationship with all 3 kids. Once brittany started dating her current boyfriend who is 45, the relationship between her and my husband really started going sour. I dont support her decision but her and I remained close and I did my best not to isolate her.

After Brittany and I started growing closer she started taking more and more advantage of me and my kindness. Her boyfriend doesnt make much money and she doesnt have a job. Her sisters birthday is tomorrow and a couple of weeks ago she mentioned a nice coat her sister wanted and asked me if I would just go look with her.

We didnt have any luck at our local mall so I spent some time finding a nice coat on Amazon and asked Brittany if her sister would like it, she said yes and so I ordered it. We dont get her sister on her actual birthday, but we are celebrating it today (1 day early).

I had told brittany that the coat could be from the both of us, since I found it and paid for it but she did tell me the style/color her sister wanted. Then I get a text from Brittany saying that No, she wants to give it to her on her actual birthday and tell her mother she paid for it to prove that her and her boyfriend are successful.

I told her I wasnt comfortable with that and I’m sorry but it’s a group gift from us and for us, her birthday is today since she goes back to her mother’s late tonight. I asked her to share her feelings and she said she is really angry at me and thinks I’m being selfish.

I dont know how to respond to her. My husband currently has pneumonia which is why I’m turning to reddit and not him since he is really sick right now. I am new to being a step mom, and I’m really trying here. How do I respond to this?

See what others had to share with OP:

BreadyStinellis −  I cant get past the bf older than her dad. Yuck. That guy is a c**ep and she’s a dummy. That said, no, it’s a group gift and that is that. Why should you have to scramble to find something else to give this girl?

It is in no way your responsibility to make sure this daughter appears responsible in her mom’s eyes (the bf and lack of job already prove she isn’t. One gift wont change that.) I do agree with the other poster for giving her credit for picking out the gift. How to deal with her anger? Maybe say you’re sorry you cant do more and end the discussion.

She’s 18, her brain isn’t fully formed yet, she will get over it in time… or she won’t, but you cant change it. If shes that type of person she would just find something else to mad at you for. Finally, try to make sure she’s provided with birth control. This BF is bad news, the last thing they need is a pregnancy.

russkayastudentka −  “I am sorry you feel that way. I hope you join us tonight to give the gift. I’m sure your sister will love it! You have great taste.”
Don’t be surprised if she already told her sister some lie about where the gift came from.

[Reddit User] −  She’s asking you to lie and misrepresent. That’s all you need to explain to her. Firmly and gently say “I don’t lie”. And don’t be or say sorry to her over this. As a parental adult figure in her life, you will help her in the long run, by not caving into to her m**ipulative demands.

She is still mentally a child (judging from what you wrote) and sounds like she needs firm boundaries and correction. As a step parent I know it’s a delicate act to win the kids over yet still be an authoritative figure. But she needs this. Good luck

NocturnalHabits −  she wants to give it to her on her actual birthday and tell her mother she paid for it to prove that her and her boyfriend are successful. Tell her you can’t support her lying to her mother, not only because lying is not OK, but also because it would make you complicit in the deception.

If anyone is selfish here, it’s Brittany. I understand that you want to have a good relationship with Brittany, but letting her take advantage of your kindness is not a way to accomplish that.

I’d perhaps ask her carefully, when she has cooled down somewhat, why she thinks that letting her mother believe that she paid for the coat would prove that “her and her boyfriend are successful”.

PS: It’s possible Brittany feels the need to “defend” her relationship not only because her parents are critical of it, but precisely *because* she’s not completely happy in it; to smother her own doubts. Maybe hint that she can talk to you in confidence if she has any problems which she can’t talk with her parents about.

minervas_a_cat −  Please don’t waver on this point. If she’s angry, she’s angry. So what? She’ll get over it. Do *not* let her guilt or pressure you into helping her deceive her mother.

RandomTasked −  Ask her in a subtle way to repeat what she asked you to do. Possibly give her an anecdotal story and swap sides. Don’t let her walk over you. I fully understand the needing to be on her good side vs being a good step mom thing, but you’re setting herself up for more failure later in life.

TheMassINeverHad −  Tell her to f**k up and get her own coat if she wants to prove shes successful.

KatCole7 −  OP, how is your relationship with their mom? This sounds like something that needs a sit down discussion with you, her, and your husband (or husband soon as he’s sick, but kept in the loop for now) to tackle what’s going on with her from all sides as a team.

It’s important oldest daughter feels she can trust you, yes. But it’s also important her mom knows what her eldest is struggling with and what she’s trying to do with this guy (get pregnant). Yes, she’s 18 and legally an adult. But I know I sure as hell needed guidance at 18 still.

She still is a kid, trying to project this image of being an adult. It would honestly be ideal if both her parents alone too pulled her aside and bluntly told her how difficult it was having a kid at the age they did while also affirming how much they love her.

[Reddit User] −  “No.” Is a complete sentence. It is not your job to make her look good to anyone when she’s done nothing to earn it. She’s an adult, she can get a job. I’m HELLA creeped out by the fact that her bf is 45, that’s disgusting.

sydneyunderfoot −  “You’re allowed to be angry, but I won’t lie for you. If you want to appear successful, work your b**t off like everyone and actually be successful. When you’re don’t being throwing your tantrum, I’ll still be here for you.”

How would you balance kindness with maintaining boundaries in a step-parenting role? Do you think the Redditor should stick to her decision or compromise to keep peace? Share your thoughts and advice below!