Am I [32F] being unreasonable with expectations of my husband’s [37M] parental and household responsibilities?

A Redditor, a stay-at-home mother juggling two young children and a part-time job, shares her struggles with feeling unsupported by her husband in household and parenting duties.

Despite her efforts to keep things running smoothly and express gratitude when her husband helps, she’s met with defensiveness and limited involvement. She’s seeking advice on how to address the imbalance and improve their dynamic. Read the full story below.

‘ Am I [32F] being unreasonable with expectations of my husband’s [37M] parental and household responsibilities?’

Right now I’m currently exhausted and trying to recover from being sick now for over four weeks due to various colds and flus my child had brought home from preschool. I’m currently on antibiotics for an infection caused by being sick for so long and trying to tough it out.

I stay at home and take care of a newborn and our toddler who goes to preschool 2x per week. I currently work part-time from home and my husband and I split most things 50/50 (mortgage, groceries, etc) He makes about 2-3x as much as I do, thus he covers the household bills (electricity, water, sewer, internet, preschool costs, etc.)

I pay for all other child expenses (clothes, 90% of toys, shoes, etc.) I also buy all the household items (laundry detergent, body wash, dish soap, vitamins, etc) I live in foreign country with my husband (his native home) thus I’ve had to bust my ass learning the foreign language here and my job prospects in my field are limited due to the language barrier.

I do have lots of work experience though that doesn’t matter unless you speak the local language. Hence why I stay home to offset daycare costs by watching our young kids. I’m trying to get my foreign language skills to a higher level so I can have a better paying job versus just working in food service, janitorial services, etc.

Right now, I just feel like our household contributions are not balanced. I do all the weekly cooking, all the cleaning, all the laundry, household organizing, putting stuff away, etc. My husband takes the trash out and (luckily) mostly cleans up after himself in the kitchen. Though I do all the deep cleaning of the kitchen, bathroom, etc.

This is all especially hard when I’m very sick and my husband doesn’t help pickup the slack. Our baby also refuses the bottle so I do 99% of all the feedings via breastfeeding. I also actively research and read about parenting resources to help better raise our kids.

I just get frustrated when my husband doesn’t help unless I ask him. But then, when I do ask (I try to do this tactfully and kindly) it’s met with him acting like I’m nagging and it’s clear he’s annoyed. So I’m always having to strategize “When is a good time to ask him to do something?” and be very careful how I phrase it.

When I get “free” time (AKA time not tending to one of the small children), I’m always looking around thinking *Okay, what can I do to make the household better for everyone* before I decide to plop myself down and do leisurely things or even do something for myself like shower.

My husband, on the other hand, uses every spare minute that he’s not watching the kids to sit behind his computer. If he’s not on his computer, he’s on his phone on Twitter or Reddit. It’s almost like a form of escapism. Even when he comes home from work and I haven’t talked to any adult all day, he’s always distracted by his phone or computer.

I’m not trying to bash on my husband as he is a good person and a great dad to our kids, I just don’t know how to come up with a solution to these issues. I try to show thanks and be clearly supportive and praising when he does help.

But, when he and I are in a disagreement, he still tells me “You never think I do enough. You don’t appreciate what I do, do,” in a very defensive manner. It’s really frustrating. I’ve suggested he go to therapy for other issues he expresses, but he’s not interested.

I’ve already had many, many years of therapy and recently finished a year of therapy for anxiety and depression. So, Reddit, any tips or insights you can help me with? I’m really struggling here and would love some perspective

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

EverleighWay −  I try to show thanks and be clearly supportive and praising when he does help. But, when he and I are in a disagreement, he still tells me “You never think I do enough. You don’t appreciate what I do, do,” in a very defensive manner. It’s really frustrating.

Why don’t you just reply calmly that he *isn’t* doing enough? Because he isn’t. And why do you have to praise him for doing basic chores? Does he praise you? Does he see what you’ve done and say, “Wow, you’ve done a lot to keep the household together, why don’t you take the rest of the afternoon off while I hold down the fort and do laundry?”

simonhoxer −  I don’t get why people in here keeps suggesting therapy when OP clearly says he’s not interested. Those advice are meaningless.
OP: *Does your husband want you to be stressed?* I’m going to assume **no**. So what does he express he can contribute with to alleviate your stress? What is his suggestion?

EverleighWay −  I just get frustrated when my husband doesn’t help unless I ask him. But then, when I do ask (I try to do this tactfully and kindly) it’s met with him acting like I’m nagging and it’s clear he’s annoyed. So I’m always having to strategize “When is a good time to ask him to do something?” and be very careful how I phrase it.

He does this so you won’t ask anymore. It’s surprising how often someone’s s**tty attitude about being asked for help results in them never being asked to help again. In other words, it totally benefits him. A few minutes of being disagreeable results in him having hours and hours of free time.

FartotheNorth −  It’s common when two people experience different standards toward doing housework. Housework is rarely rewarding. Some are just more motivated than others to do it. Also, some people are better at taking time for themselves than others.

OP, I recommend getting over his lack of interest of doing housework and just telling him which tasks to do. He isn’t going to volunteer himself, so tell him. Find out which tasks he dislikes the least and have him do those. Yes, it’d be nice if he would choose to help on his own, but he’s shown he isn’t going to do that. And yes, he’s going to get annoyed. Tough. He gets to deal with it.

With that, when he does something, don’t come behind him later and tell him he did it wrong. Not saying you do, but his comment of “you never appreciate what I do” means he feels that his efforts aren’t being given credit he feels they deserve. I don’t know if that means at work or at home or both, but if you have him do something, let him do it his way.

So often people want others to help and then get mad when it isn’t done their way. There’s more than one way to fold laundry or do dishes or cleanup toys. He’s doing it? Let him do it. Focus on taking more time for yourself. It’s awesome that you care for your family’s happiness so much, but if that care is making people unhappy, it’s gone too far.

Shed some load by having him do whatever chores you do exclusively for him. Look at your day to day and see if you can move things around to create more time for yourself in the evening (hard with the baby, I know). My wife and I had to redesign our entire evening to finally get our 7yo into a routine that made sense and stopped stealing our free time at night.

Cook big meals and have leftovers instead of cooking multiple times a week (sounds like you may do that already). Have a day or two when you do all the laundry rather than anytime you can do a load. Combine and compress activities where you can rather than doing them one by one by one.

(This will sound really stupid, but anytime I’m pooping I do a quick wipe of the surrounding floor and grab whatever hair I can… my wife sheds. Absurd, I know, but I’m already there…) He doesn’t get to avoid this. This is life. Welcome to being an adult and taking care of things.

ConsistentCheesecake −  I just get frustrated when my husband doesn’t help unless I ask him. But then, when I do ask (I try to do this tactfully and kindly) it’s met with him acting like I’m nagging and it’s clear he’s annoyed. So I’m always having to strategize “When is a good time to ask him to do something?” and be very careful how I phrase it.

First of all, it’s by definition not nagging if it’s the first time you’ve asked. Second, he is blaming you for behavior that *he* caused. You would not have to “nag” if he would just do stuff without having to be asked all the time. Idk what to tell you. People who refuse therapy for their problems and won’t take responsibility for anything are kind of lost causes, imo.

pralinecream −  +1 Therapy. Your husband is basically mad that you expect him to be your partner. I just get frustrated when my husband doesn’t help unless I ask him. But then, when I do ask (I try to do this tactfully and kindly) it’s met with him acting like I’m nagging and it’s clear he’s annoyed.

So I’m always having to strategize “When is a good time to ask him to do something?” and be very careful how I phrase it. You shouldn’t have to ask. He f**king lives there. I hope therapy helps.

suckzbuttz69420bro −  I’m always looking around thinking Okay, what can I do to make the household better for everyone. Ask him the same question: “What do you do to make this home peaceful and better *for me*?”

Moisttowllete −  I dont really think this is a counseling issue. Its more of an approach issue. It took a long time for me to understand that my wife could not relax when there are things to do because I am different and I can relax. And honestly I only do it now because its so important to her.

But to get there I had to train myself to see these things because they just aren’t important to me personally, so I don’t see it. My wife said she had an epiphany when I asked her where the paper towels were and I had been walking past them in the hallway where they had been sitting on the floor.

She had been waiting for me to put them up. She realized I just didn’t notice them. When I finally understood that she was unable to relax if there was stuff to do I felt awful. Getting there took a long time tho.

RedditUser1313131 −  When I get “free” time (AKA time not tending to one of the small children), I’m always looking around thinking Okay, what can I do to make the household better for everyone. My husband, on the other hand, uses every spare minute that he’s not watching the kids to sit behind his computer.

I can relate; you want your husband to just do whatever needs to be done without asking him. The thing is, if your husband isn’t motivated to do whatever needs to be done around the house during his “free time” there is nothing you can do or say to make him *want* to do these things.

Sure you can force him to do chores by asking every single time, but that gets old fast and isn’t really good for your relationship. I’m always looking around thinking Okay, what can I do to make the household better for everyone

Stop it. No seriously, take some time to yourself. When you get a minute away from the baby take it for yourself. Don’t do the dishes, don’t do the laundry, take it for yourself. There will always be a mess, there will always be things that still need to get done, accept it and take time off for yourself.

Okay now that you’ve got time back to yourself again, I’d have a conversation with your husband on what he is going to be in charge of. Give him *whole areas* not just a one time chore. Maybe it could be something like taking care of the baby on a certain day of the week or making sure the bills get paid or cooking meals on certain days.

Give him the *whole* thing including the planning. Say you give him Monday night dinner. The choice of what to make is his responsibility as is making sure all the ingredients are in the house (or going to the grocery store if they aren’t). He is responsible for knowing how to cook it (or looking it up on the internet) as well as actually cooking it.

You aren’t there to give directions or manage things; the only thing you have to do is show up and eat it. You gave him the *whole* responsibility not just a task. By offloading the mental load you’ll feel less pressure.

However you can’t criticize him because he will NOT do it the way you would have. He’ll cook something you wouldn’t have chosen or he’ll cook it poorly. He’ll prepare it too spicy or overcooked. The only thing you should say is *thank you*. Any comment like “you should have done this” is taking control of that chore back. Let him do it his own way.

How would you approach a partner about balancing responsibilities without causing defensiveness? Do you think the situation stems from communication issues, differing priorities, or something else? Share your thoughts and experiences below!