I [22F] am graduating and can’t find a job in my chosen field here, but my BF [30M] refuses to move

A 22-year-old graduate with a Master’s in Computer Engineering is torn between pursuing her dream job in her chosen field, which requires relocating far from home, and staying in her current city to preserve her 7-month relationship with her 30-year-old boyfriend.

While she loves her boyfriend deeply, he has made it clear he will not relocate due to his strong attachment to the area and his established life there.

‘ I [22F] am graduating and can’t find a job in my chosen field here, but my BF [30M] refuses to move’

I’m graduating in May with my MS in Computer Engineering, and I have been dating this amazing guy for 7 months. I have spent my whole life in this area, and he moved here from his hometown in another state about 3 years ago after carefully researching where he wants to live for the rest of his life.

I don’t have a problem with this area and would gladly stay here if it were feasible. Here’s the problem: although this area has a lot of jobs, none of them are entry-level in the field I want to be in and have gone to school for (hardware verification).

There are a LOT of entry-level software jobs – and I had a 1.5-year software internship so I could probably get hired somewhere – but I don’t want to do that. I feel like I’d be pigeonholing myself into a career that I don’t want and that my advanced degree would be completely useless for.

I received an offer for a job in the field I want to be in, but it’s located 2500 miles away (I really liked the city though). I have 3 upcoming interviews this week with other companies in that field, but they are also 1500+ miles away.

My parents and professor are very supportive of me moving and following the career path I want – and so is my BF – but it would be the end of our relationship since we don’t want an LDR and he point-blank said he would never be willing to relocate since he loves it here so much.

It’s important to mention that he is in a career field where he could get a good job literally anywhere in the US, but he really loves the job he has now and doesn’t think he could find one that great in any of the cities I have interviews in (although he hasn’t looked).

But the main reason is that he has a very solid and large group of friends here that he doesn’t want to give up (I am more introverted with way fewer friends). He made it clear that he is absolutely unwilling to relocate. He also isn’t ready to propose marriage (it’s only been 7 months), so there’s no guarantee we would even stay together if I chose to stay here.

He is hesitant about even staying with me if I do choose to stay here, because he thinks I would end up resenting him later on for “keeping me here.” He encouraged me to go to the interviews, and was honest from the start about not wanting to relocate,

but I thought maybe he would make an exception for me (difference between not wanting to and being unwilling to), or else that he would be willing to commit and we could live happily ever after here. He didn’t think I would be able to make a rational decision if I didn’t at least go see what was out there.

I’m really looking for advice and personal anecdotes here. I really love this man and want to marry him and have his babies more than anything (he would support me financially and let me be a SAHM if I stayed here and couldn’t/didn’t want to find a job, but I don’t think I would find that very fulfilling).

I know that if I had never met him or were single, I would take a job somewhere else. My parents and professor have both told me to take a job somewhere else, but I’m a hopeless romantic with very specific needs in a relationship that few men can meet (especially to the extent that he does). Please help.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Anonimosamados −  If he doesn’t want to relocate then let him be. You are young, you can find someone else. Or maybe in the future you guys can give it another shot. But seriously, you need to focus on you. No one will ever provide anything to you besides yourself.

Yeah relationships are great and he may provide you some things, but at the end of the day you are the person who makes your own destiny and your happiness. You need to take risks and live your life. If everyone is being supportive and you decide not to go because of some guy you’ve only been dating for 7 months,

who you clearly even said you don’t even know if you’ll be together forever is not a good sign. Just go. Build your career. Keep in contact if you want to. But don’t ever stop yourself from achieving your goals because of someone. That’s rule number one of life.

It’s like taking a step back. Don’t do that to yourself, because if you guys breakup you’re going to be so mad at yourself for not going. So leave in good terms and in the future you can reach out again.. Good luck!

[Reddit User] −  It’s been 7 months. Your expectation that he uproot his entire life is unreasonable. Your desire to make a career for yourself is not, and I encourage you to make this move for yourself. If you’re dead-set on moving, break up with him. This is a fundamental incompatibility, and you haven’t even been together for a year. Sometimes things just don’t work out.

[Reddit User] −  From your comments – its clear that you would. – move if he had to move. – want to marry him. – think he’s “the one”. You also made it clear that. – he will not move if you move. – does not want to marry yet. – he does not think “your the one”.

Regardless of the career, and the move.. you have some massively different views on your relationship which isn’t really great to begin with. As others said, 7 months is the honeymoon phase. Do you even live together yet? If this guy loved you, as much as you loved him, he would move because you said he could get a well paying job – anywhere.

He values his friends & his job more than you. He said that **even if you stay, he might not want to continue because he thinks you will have resentment, Which means – you will turn down a job offer, for a guy who might leave you?!? Go chase your dream. Go find someone who loves you as much as you love them.

TsukasaHimura −  I think it is pretty clear what is going on. He doesn’t think he should be the reason for you to stay and this relationship isn’t not strong enough. He won’t move and he isn’t wrong. Why would anyone uproot themselves for a 7 month relationship?

You shouldn’t give up your future for a 7 month relationship either. Sorry, you two just happen at the wrong time and place. It isn’t either one of you faults. S**t happens.

Livvylove −  You should go for your dream job in a city you like. 7 months is not that long of a relationship. Be glad it was good so you know what to look for when you move.

feedthewriter −  From what you’ve written, he’s told you that he wants you to go for the job that requires you to move, won’t move with you if you get it, won’t pursue a long distance relationship with you if you move, and might break up with you if you stay for him. Just read that and ask yourself if you’re at peace with gambling your career over this relationship.. Edited to add a missing word.

Isimagen −  Short relationship and a significant age difference. Let it go. You need to focus on starting your career with a bang. Focus on that first. The rest of your life depends on it.

FartotheNorth −  I agree with him. Go to the interviews. Check out the potential jobs. Once you get a feel for them, your path forward will be clearer. Maybe these potential offers aren’t as great as they seem. Maybe they’re over the moon amazing. Won’t know until you go. After that, decision time.

IMO, it’s a good thing your BF has made it clear he won’t move. It’s a simpler decision for everyone. Also, do remember that taking a job now in a field you don’t want does not mean you’re stuck there forever. You can take a job that’s passable while still looking for the job you want in the area.

grendelone −  He’s chosen his living location over you.. Simple.. Relationship done.

GlobalRip −  Take the job and move. You’re 22 and can set yourself up for your career, now is the time to be selfish. (Just like he is)