I [74F] haven’t spoken to my children in 20 years. I’m dying now.

A 74-year-old mother, estranged from her three children for 20–25 years due to past struggles with mental health and anger issues, faces the final months of her life with terminal cancer. While she wishes to apologize and reconnect, she fears it may be selfish or unwelcome, given her promise to honor their boundaries. Read her heartfelt story below.

‘ I [74F] haven’t spoken to my children in 20 years. I’m dying now.’

I realize I’m older than most here, if not all of you. But internet has been my best friend in old age and I frequent this subreddit regularly. I have two sons and a daughter (51, 50 and 44). I haven’t talked to my sons in about 25 years and my daughter in 20 years. They chose to cut me off permanently and I respected their decision.

With my history of mental illness they had every right to do that. I had problems with narcissistic personality disorder and anger which took many decades for me to overcome and I’m still fighting my demons to this day.

I’m living the final months of my life. I have terminal cancer and will soon be gone from this world. I promised them to respect their wishes and I have for 25 years but deep in my heart I do wish to see them again, maybe to apologize for one last time before I’m gone. I don’t know if I am being selfish as I can also apologize in my will.

I want to do what is best for them. Will they be interested in seeing me before I die? There are considerable assets that I have which I am leaving all of it to them so they will hear about my d**th.

If you can provide some advice about my situation I will be grateful. You’re all closer to my children or grandchildren’s age and can see things from their eyes better than I can.. —

**tl;dr**: I’m dying and have not spoken to my children in 25 years per their request. I am not sure if I should let them know that I’m dying.. — I never expected so much advice and love from you. I thank you all and I’m reading everything to come to my final decision.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

[Reddit User] −  I will start by saying: For children to cut off a parent, that parent has to have done something that really, really upsetting, something so hurtful, so unforgivable. And for them to maintain that silence for 25 years reinforces just how bad it must have been. So, whatever happens between now and your d**th, or between now and them hearing from the executors of your will, you need to accept that they may never forgive you, in this world or the next.

That out of the way: Write a letter to each of them. Apologise. Tell them you love them. Ask for forgiveness. Explain what you have done in those 25 years to try to become a better person. Apologise again. Maybe ask for one last meeting or some photos or a letter in return.

But do not make excuses for whatever you did, because that will immediately put them off you forever – whatever you did to make kids abandon you for 25 years, my guess is that it is inexcusable.

And don’t wag a will at them. Any bequest should be a surprise and a bonus. If you mention it now *even if the intention is to demonstrate your contrition*, it will look to them as if you are trying to buy their love back.. Good luck.

And if they don’t reply you must respect that and leave them alone their new lives, without re-opening old wounds. Maybe just a quick call from the nurse as you are sinking.

[Reddit User] −  Ma’am, I am sorry for the pain you have experienced in your life, and I hope your passing is as painless and as peaceful as possible. I myself am not religious, but if you are, I hope the other side is as wonderful as they say it is.

As for your children, would you consider video taping an apology/goodbye message to be played for them by your lawyer when they are asked to the reading of your will? That way, you can say what you want to say without breaking the No Contact they asked for in life.

Bonobosaurus −  OK so my aunt died last year. She was estranged from her kids for 25 years because she was an a**oholic and put them in a lot of dangerous positions. Her boyfriend was her health care proxy and he told no one she was in the hospital until she died (cirrhosis and pancreatitis). When we told her daughters, they both said they would have gone to see her in the hospital. I would at the very least let them know, write them a letter or something.

C1awed −  maybe to apologize for one last time before I’m gone. will it be sincere? From your heart, with no expectations of forgiveness or even answer? An apology that indicates that you *actually* understand what you did wrong and why they don’t speak to you? If not, if this is you gratifying yourself, then don’t bother.

I think letting them know is fine, IF: you do it through someone else, and place no pressure on them. For example, if there is a relative that you know they still speak to or a family friend, just pass on the news of your diagnosis. Then leave it up to them.

Quite frankly, we (I) don’t trust deathbed reconciliation, confessions, or apologies. too often I’ve seen them used as one final, m**ipulative jab at the ‘disobedient’ child. The ultimate version of punching someone, then running away so they can’t hit back. At best, they tend to turn into one last chance for a lecture from someone who never really understood the problem in the first place.

So: go ahead and give them the information, but don’t expect anything, and don’t be surprised if they choose to do nothing with it. Don’t use this as a reason to push for anything. If there’s not anyone who you can go through, OR if the person who still talks to them would pressure them into reaching out, don’t. The only way this works is if there’s no pressure AT ALL.

AlluringMouthbreathe −  A letter is good because it gives them options. It can be read, left unread, or thrown away. If it is read, the reader can decide, in privacy, whether to do something in response. In a situation like this, it is the most respectful way to reach out, and I think it is acceptable given your terminal condition and the possibility that an apology and the chance for a last visit or call may be of benefit to one or more of them.

[Reddit User] −  One day my mom will be in your position and posting this question. All I can think of, imagining this scenario, is why in gods name would you wait until now to apologize?

crystanow −  OP no one can give you good advice without knowing the scope of how bad you were. I noticed you did not give any specifics about your bad behaviour which is typical of narcissistic estranged parents.

What have you done to them, what were the points that made them decide no contact? If I was talking to them, what do you think they would say is the worst thing you did to them?

MiyaKnows −  I think you should be clear that you are apologizing and not asking for forgiveness. I think there is a distinct difference between the two. Lay it all out there, speak your bit and face the notion that they may not respond. This might not end up with the resolution you wish. But I do think they deserve to know about your health.

I had an estranged Grandmother. All of us put up with her awful s**t for years. Narcissistic verbally a**sive, lying…never took any blame for her actions. Had she actually aplogized and taken the blame for her actions without demanding anything…

I would have been stunned and willing to speak with her. That never happened. She went to her grave being an awful person. OP, I commend you for taking responsibility. I’m sorry about your illness. I hope you find a peaceful end.

wanderingdev −  I’m 42. The last time I saw my dad I was 15. Over the years he tried to contact me via my mom a couple times. I never contacted him back. I felt no need to have him back in my life. 2 years ago, while I was traveling, I got an email from his brother. My dad had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and given 3 months to live.

I was returning to the US in a month and his brother told me that my dad realized that he’d been a s**tty parent had had no right to expect anything from me but that he’d like to see me and apologize before he died. His brother asked me to consider visiting my dad when I returned to the country.

I’ll be honest, it was a shock. And I struggled a bit with the decision. For all intents and purposes, my dad had been dead for decades. So hearing from him out of the blue was a bit of a shock. I told my uncle that I would think about it and get back to him in a day or two. I talked to my mom and some friends and ultimately, I decided to see him.

Not really for me, I was kind of ambivalent about it. But I felt that if it would give him some peace at the end to apologize, I would do that. I sent an email to my uncle the next day. He received it about 3 hours after my dad died. I don’t really regret not seeing him. I wasn’t doing it for me. The only thing I regret is that he died before finding out that I’d agreed to see him so he didn’t get that peace.

So, take that for what you will. If you have an intermediary that won’t harass them, perhaps ask them to make contact on your behalf. Just tell them that you’ll be gone soon and you’d like the chance to apologize. Let them know that you know you fucked up so you accept and respect their decision if they don’t want to see you.

And make sure whoever is contacting them doesn’t pressure them at all. Then let them make their decisions. If they don’t want to see you, respect that. Then write them your letters and leave them with your estate to be delivered upon your d**th.

AnotherFineProduct −  74-year-old internet savvy poster here who knows about /r/realtionships and posts tl;drs. On a throwaway. Has all of the reddit-darling mental disorders but has enough self-awareness to recognize it. If you don’t do your part to create a willing suspension of disbelief how are the people here expected to maintain the polite fiction that any of this happened?

This story touches on the profound challenges of reconciliation and forgiveness in family relationships. If you were in her shoes—or her children’s—what would you do? Your insights and support might offer comfort and guidance in this deeply emotional moment.