My daughter thinks I am in the wrong for divorcing her father, AITAH for telling her she is free to live with him?

A Redditor divorced their husband after discovering infidelity, breaking a cycle they witnessed in their own parents’ toxic marriage. While their 15-year-old daughter idolizes her father and blames the Redditor for the divorce, tensions have risen due to the father’s unreliability. After a failed ice-skating promise led to another argument, the Redditor told their daughter she was free to live with her father if she preferred. Was this an emotional overstep, or a necessary boundary? Read the full story below.

‘ My daughter thinks I am in the wrong for divorcing her father, AITAH for telling her she is free to live with him?’

My ex and I have been divorced for two years. We have two children ages are four and fifteen. Our daughter is the oldest and she loves her father to pieces. She took the divorce the hardest and does blame me for not working things out. We have all gone through family and individual therapy. It has been hit or mess. My daughter thinks parents should work through issues for the sake of the family.

I have personal trauma with cheating my father cheated on my mother countless times and she never left him because she did not want to be a single mom. Yet she more or less was because my dad was always off with another person.
I swore to myself I would not go down that path.

My mom also wanted me to work things out with my ex for the sake of the kids. Holidays are rough for her especially Christmas. Her father is not exactly reliable and of course I am the bad guy when he fails do what he promises because things would be so much easier if we lived together.

I was at my witts end yesterday because her father promised to take her ice skating but never showed but for whatever reason it become my fault because as per my daughter if dad lived here he would not be so stressed and would have more time for all of us. At this point I told her she is free to live with her father if she wishes I would not stop her and she was old enough to choose.. So AITAH?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

lapsteelguitar −  Speaking as a child of divorce. You are in a s**t situation. Your ex would still be unreliable, is the impression I get, even if you all were together. Your daughter does not understand that.. NTA.

buffydou −  It’s tough to be blamed for someone else’s shortcomings. Your daughter is projecting her disappointment onto you. Offering her the choice might help her see things clearly.

jaaackattackk −  NTA. “Working things out for the family” isn’t always for the best, especially when the person hasn’t made any changes. It was a little harsh but not overly. She doesn’t fully understand now but you’re seeing a good example for her not to tolerate cheating. I could be wrong but I doubt he wants nearly full custody, she might change her tune if he says no. Or maybe he says yes and shows his unreliability.

Worried_Kale_662 −  As a daughter of divorced parents, HELL YEAH. She’s 15 not 5 let her find out. And put up some boundaries about how she talks to you!. NTA.

pastel-goth3722 −  Ask yourself this… would she have said the same thing to her father? I ask because I have dealt with the same from my oldest daughter (18), I realized I was the safe parent. She’s hurting but that hurt doesn’t excuse how she’s talking to you, maybe staying with her father will actually show her that it isn’t better with him.. NTA.

JuliaX1984 −  NTA She could blame her dad for breaking up the family by cheating on his partner — her double standard is absurd. No way to change that, but not your fault.

waaasupla −  Your daughter is 15 and telling you to put up with the abuse for her convenience is very wrong. In this situation, living with her father for some time will help. Tell her “I cannot show my kids that it is ok for your own spouse to abuse you like that. Abuse is wrong and it should never be “put up with” and you are wrong for saying that. I get that you don’t understand it at this age. Let’s have the same conversation 10 years later.“

AlternativeDurian852 −  I Say all of this as a child of divorce, and my dad cheated on my mom. It wasn’t until I lived with my dad for a while that I finally understood just exactly who he was, and that was a cheating, lying, a**oholic with a n**ty temper. It took a year living with him and seeing first hand all my mother put up with for twenty years for the rose colored glasses to fall off. I was a daddy’s girl through and through before, and I was so angry at my mom when they divorced.

I learned the hard way who was really at fault…. But I needed that to truly see who my dad was. It was very necessary. It sounds like your daughter might need to learn the hard way too, by living with him. It’s really easy to make excuses for someone you’re not with 24/7, it’s a lot harder to make excuses when you’re living in the same home and your dad still isn’t present in your life….

EqualJustice1776 −  I had to laugh when I read your daughter is 15 because she’s definitley acting 15. You’re not an AH. You’re a human being dealing with a selfish hormonal rage vessel, pointed straight at your face. I think what you told her is perfect. No doubt her dad won’t want her cramping his style and he can tell her that.

You can be there to soothe her afterwards. Daughters blame their mothers for everything. I would ask her to accept that her dad is never coming back and to go from there. You can’t control what he does. She needs to understand that. It will be healthier for her in the end.

CrabbiestAsp −  NTA. The fact that you’re separated should not change if her dad is a good dad or not. He is choosing to be absent. It is not your fault he is it not showing up for his kids. It’s easy for a teenager to say make it work for the kids, but it’s not that easy. They don’t understand the ins and outs of a marriage and sometimes I think they see us as just a parent, not a person. You’re a person and you also deserve to have a happy life.