My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I’m devastated.

A devastated wife shared her heart-wrenching experience after her husband expressed regret that she hadn’t died instead of his first wife, while also demeaning her role as a mother to their children. Despite her love for her stepchildren and shared child, his growing distance and cruel words have left her questioning her marriage and how to proceed. Read on for her full story and context.

‘ My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I’m devastated.’

My husband “Nick” was married to his first wife “Vanessa” for 5 years and they had two amazing kids, “Luke” (15/M) and “Lila” (13/F). Sadly, Vanessa died in an accident 11 years ago when the kids were very young. I started dating Nick 8 years ago and we started off very slowly for obvious reasons. Nick has always been a little more distant than anyone I’d ever been with, but he and the kids lost Vanessa so young that I understood it.

After 3 years of dating, Nick asked me to marry him and I moved in. I’ve always had a really great relationship with Luke and Lila and they were happy for me to marry their dad. I had wanted an actual wedding, nothing big, but Nick really didn’t want one so we got married at the courthouse with just Luke and Lila present. We had a really fast engagement, but it worked for all of us.

I have loved being Luke and Lila’s stepmom and officially adopted them after I found out I was pregnant with our son “Casey” (2/M). The kids have been so great with Casey and help out so much. Nick was wonderful during the pregnancy and had always been a really loving dad and husband.

But Nick has been pulling away a lot the last few months. He’s been even more distant than usual and working late nights and going away with friends almost every weekend. I’ve tried talking to him, but he’s been impatient with both me and the kids. I found out I was pregnant in June and am now 21 weeks pregnant with a girl.

The kids are excited to have a little sister, but Nick just seems so indifferent to everything and everyone. He’s been missing soccer games, Lila’s birthday, doctors appointments, etc. Casey is too young to notice, but Luke and Lila are so hurt by their dad’s absence. These kids are so good and they lost their mom so young and I’m infuriated that Nick is ignoring the kids like this.

Last week, I finally sat Nick down and told him that he needs to stop disappearing and be more present in our lives. We’re going to have another child soon and before we know it Luke and Lila will be grown up and going to college.

After an hour of arguing, he screamed at me that he wished Vanessa was still alive and that I had switched places with her and died instead. He also threw in some awful comments that I need to stop pretending I’m Luke and Lila’s “real” mom and that I’m only half the mom Vanessa was. The final straw was him saying that he never even wanted any kids with me, but did it so I’d “keep busy and leave him alone.”

I’m so beyond hurt right now. I know I’m just his second choice, but I’ve always tried to honor Vanessa and tell Luke and Lila how lucky they were to have her as their mom. I love ALL of our kids more than anything and I’m just so heartbroken. Nick barely pays attention to Casey now and doesn’t even acknowledge the pregnancy.

He somewhat apologized this weekend and took all three kids to lunch, but he won’t even look me in the eye. He seems like he wants to talk, but he doesn’t say anything and I’m too upset to even be near him.

I’m not sure where to go from here. Honestly, I can’t even be around Nick right now and if there weren’t any kids involved, I’d leave and never look back. I’m not sure if he’s cheating or the thought of a fourth child is stressing him out, but I’m devastated and not sure how or why I should save this marriage, besides doing it for the kids. Any advice is desperately needed right now.

—**tl;dr**: My husband has been distant and ignoring our kids. When I confronted him, he told me he wished I had died instead of his first wife and that I’m only half the mother she was. I’m currently pregnant and not sure how to fix this or us.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Fitzwilliger −  Oh man. This is so f**king heart-wrenching, and I honestly just want to give you a hug right now. You’ve got so much on your plate. In your shoes, I think I would tell him that he has a choice between therapy and divorce. Get *yourself* into therapy as fast as you can- you’ve had your heart shattered by someone you love, you’ve been parenting alone, you’re facing the possibility of a divorce. Even if you do couple’s counselling, individual therapy needs to happen.

My only other piece of advice for you is to not leave the house. If it comes down to it, leaving can affect the divorce. Actually, no, I have another piece of advice for you- consult with a divorce attorney now, even if you’re not sure you’re going to go through with it, to get an idea of what you need to do during this period.

[Reddit User] −  There has got to be something else going on. Honestly, it sounds like you are describing affair behavior. Late nights, distance, missed opportunities, disappearing every weekend, blaming you. There has got to be something else going on.

browneyesandlashes −  He’s has 2 kids with Vanessa and he’s going to have 2 kids with you. Do you think he feels resentful because his new life is ‘taking over’ his old life? I can imagine that it hurts him tremendously to realize his ex wife is a distant memory and I can see how your new baby will serve as a physical reminder of how the years have passed.

This could be a huge stretch.. I’m just speculating what my concern would be if I was in your husbands shoes. Its possible he feel very guilty and disloyal because he moved on and built a new life so he’s lashing out on the person who helped him build this new life. You.

I do want to say what you’ve done is amazing in that you helped to rebuild a home without disrespecting their bio mom’s memory and I have no doubt you’ve been an awesome mom to your children. You do not deserve such hurtful words and whatever his reason I don’t think I would be able to forget them. I really hope the best for you guys.

agreywood −  One thing that sticks out to me is that your child is 2 and that 11 years ago your stepdaughter would have been 2. I wouldn’t be shocked if a milestones like that has kicked up a lot of feeling about her d**th. Since this behavior has started up, have there been any other milestones (kids birthdays, deceased wife’s birthday, their anniversary of dating or marriage, when they found out they were expecting, etc) that could have exacerbated any issues he was having?

Punky_Grifter −  He is looking at the past through rose colored glasses, a 5 year relationship that tragically ended years ago. It can be easy to forget all the times you were frustrated with a person.It takes work to stay in love, to merge a family, to help people through deep heart-rending grief. For him to say that you aren’t half the woman his first wife was is cruel. Who knows how Vanessa would have dealt with a partner who is being cruel and terrible like your husband is? You are competing with a memory.

random989898 −  Your husband sounds depressed. He is disconnecting from everyone, his perception is skewed, his emotions are volatile, he isn’t logical, he is irritable. Sounds like his mental health has gone way downhill. I would have him talk to a doctor.

EdCorcorans16bucks −  Not sure I could come back from that comment. Plus it sounds like there’s something else going on.

MiyaKnows −  My husband lost his first wife. He used to get kinda upset around anniversaries or important dates. But after while, that stopped. He got help, he moved on. He never, ever said anything so horribly hurtful to me. As a spouse to a widow/widower, I think we always have insecurities about measuring up to the deceased spouse. To have that thrown so awfully in your face? No. Unforgiveable. Especially since he refuses to apologize or offer to seek help.

OP, I know you are in a very bad place right now. You’re pregnant, and trying to keep it together. You can do this. The way I see it, Sir Buttface has 2 options. Which you can present as you see fit, if at all.

1. Grovel, apologize and seek immediate therapy..

2. File divorce papers. Obviously, this what I would do and you need to decide how you handle it. But for me, that level of cruelty cannot go on. How this ugliness ends is up to him.

It certainly seems possible he’s having an affair. I would bring it up.

It seems more possible he’s having some hefty issues that he is dumping on the rest of you. That isn’t fair.

[Reddit User] −  I could never forgive any of this. I’m so sorry. He took a s**t on your lives together. He invalidated your *children* and said they are *unwanted.* I can’t even be around Nick right now and if there weren’t any kids involved, I’d leave and never look back.

Divorce. Do you have family that will take in you & the kids for a short time? Do you have a job? There is nothing to save here. Even if he’s not cheating, he has already gone past the point of no return. He does not respect nor love you. Nobody would say something like that to someone they loved. That you’re a bad mother? That he didn’t want the child that is already here or your the one you’re pregnant with? I can’t fathom saying something so cruel. Run.

deejay1974 −  Here is what I would do. I’m not saying this is what you should do, I’m not saying this is the healthiest thing to do. But as a mother facing a survival situation with four children, including an infant, and a man who has revealed himself as my enemy who really would prefer I would just disappear, this is what I would do.

First, I would give him room to backpedal and restore the relationship to a superficially friendly footing without any big discussions or analysis or apologies or revisiting the argument. I would say I know some awful things were said in the heat of the moment the other day, but I want to put them behind us because we have such a good life together, and I don’t want to discuss it, I just want to get back to normal.

Second, I would give him space to do whatever b**lshit he wants to do, whether it’s to avoid day-to-day life, have an affair, or whatever. I wouldn’t ask where he’s been or where he’s going. I’d handwave his absence with the kids (“You know how busy Dad is, Lila. He works so hard for us.”) I would become so pliantly accepting of his b**lshit, as long as it isn’t actively imposed on me, that our home life would become relatively serene.

Third, I would get my ducks in a row while the younger children progress to school age and the older ones get to the moving-out stage. Get a qualification, get some money together, do some part time or volunteer work to get references and become employable, all that. Get all the papers together you’ll need for the divorce. Start building friendships and a social life that are outside the marriage.

Fourth, when the older two move out and the younger two are at school, I would get the hell out. He’s played a long con on you, OP, so I would play one on him. Otherwise you’re going to spend the next few years in custody battles, being villainised for trying to take a poor widower’s kids,

and struggles to rebuild your financial and professional life, and he’ll probably fight you for custody of children he doesn’t even want in order to avoid child support. It will s**k big time no matter how you do it, but in your shoes, I would play it smart and come out with the least pain I could, for me *and* the kids.

This painful situation raises questions about grief, communication, and rebuilding trust in a marriage. What advice would you offer to someone facing such emotional turmoil in their relationship? Share your thoughts and support below.