I [38F] think my marriage to my husband [42M] is over. I need help.

A 38-year-old woman shared her struggles with her 16-year marriage, feeling that her husband has grown resentful and hurtful as she pursues nursing school and becomes more independent. Once supportive, her husband now lashes out, calls her names, and exhibits controlling behavior.

Despite her love for him and a desire to save the marriage, his refusal to communicate or seek counseling has left her feeling isolated and unsure of how to move forward.

‘ I [38F] think my marriage to my husband [42M] is over. I need help.’

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have two kids. It’s mostly been a good relationship, with normal ebbs and flows. The past year has been pretty difficult on my end and I think I’ve reached my breaking point. I just want to make it clear before I start that my husband is a good man, and I do love him.

I’ve been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage. It was out of necessity rather than desire on my part. My husband was working at building his business and we needed the flexibility of me being home. I had a job I loved, but I didn’t make much and it just made sense at the time.

I also homeschool our children because it works well for us. I did all the normal stay at home mom stuff – dinner, cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. He did help when needed and was never resentful of it. He worked very long hours, and lots of weekends, but I supported him because owning his own business was his dream.

About three years ago, I started to feel some fatigue from being the primary caregiver of our children. I wanted more and our business was pretty stable, so we agreed that I’d go back to school. Our children are old enough now that schooling them is less hands on, so again – it made sense.

I graduated with my two year degree last year and started nursing school shortly thereafter. This is when things started to get rough. Nursing school is a total time s**k – it requires so much time and so much energy. We discussed the shifting of responsibility and how difficult this was going to be on all of us, and he said he was supportive.

He started making snide comments about things he was doing at home – things I had always taken care of, things that I guess he just didn’t realize I did. I tried to communicate with him, see what could be done to make things easier on him for this transition.

He is not a good communicator though, so I didn’t push (a mistake on my part). The comments started getting more frequent, and meaner. We’ve never been mean to each other. It’s just not how we fight. Or rather, hasn’t been how we fight.

He started getting resentful of the time I was up at school, or volunteering (I do volunteer quite a bit). Summer came and I thought things would get better. I got a job where I work a few days a week from 7-7. I love my job so much and it’s really nice to finally be able to contribute to our income. It’s really empowering.

Over the past few months, I’ve become a lot more independent. Historically I’ve “needed” my husband a lot – I had some really serious depression after our kids and I couldn’t do much without him (like, go to the doctor or grocery shop or whatever). Over the past five years I’ve gotten that under control.

Through nursing school, I’ve made a lot new friends that I like to spend time with. We grab quick dinners, and sometimes head to the movies. This apparently bothers my husband, though he’s never actually verbalized it. I started to come home from an activity (volunteering or a night out with friends) to rage on his part.

He would yell at me, call me names, and say horribly hurtful things. He went through and read my text messages, trying to find something I’m doing “wrong”. My friend group is mixed female and male, and most are younger than I am. When I come home, I never know how he’ll react. Last night was pretty bad.

He stopped replying to my random “I love you” texts, and this morning didn’t bother to say it back. He’s hanging up on me, he’s ignoring me, he’s treating me really badly. He twists my words and ascribes them emotions that I’m just not feeling. I feel like I’m dying inside.

Any self esteem I’ve gained from following my dreams, he’s crushing. While I don’t think he’s a**sive, I feel a lot like I did when I was in an a**sive relationship. Walking on egg shells, trying to “test” the room when I walk in. Afraid to do anything that might upset him – being overly nice so that he’ll be nice back.

To be clear, I’m home most nights. I might go out with friends once a week – or twice, but once is during the day. Like this week, Sunday I went to dinner with a friend that was leaving for New York the next day. I was gone \~ two hours. Monday I was home. Tuesday I was working all day, then went up to the school for midnight registration.

Wednesday is my weekly volunteer day and whoever is volunteering goes out for food after for about an hour. Today I’m working a short shift. Tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday I’m home. I’m just done. I’m so tired of feeling badly about myself. Like I’m doing something wrong. I’ve tried to talk about all of this, a thousand times.

I never fight back when he’s yelling at me or calling me names. I’ve suggested counseling (I’m going to therapy myself), but he’s not interested. The problem is, I don’t want my marriage to be over. I love him and I promised him forever.

I don’t break my promises. I just want things to go back to where they were a year ago. I need help. Thanks in advance.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

[Reddit User] −  You need to hold your ground on this… This is abuse… He needs to openly discuss and admit that you being independent is bugging him. Now he’s just allowing it to build up to the point divorce will be your only option. He NEEDS to discuss either openly with you or go to counseling, if not there’s no way to recover.

eegrlN −  While I don’t think he’s a**sive, I feel a lot like I did when I was in an a**sive relationship. Walking on egg shells, trying to “test” the room when I walk in. Afraid to do anything that might upset him – being overly nice so that he’ll be nice back.. That’s abuse, honey.

Either get counseling or get a divorce. I have a feeling you will fare pretty well in a divorce. You have a stable career, you sacrificed a lot for him, he will owe big time. Divorce isn’t that scary, you can do it!

c-papi −  If he can’t see you grow into a position that he himself was (or still is) at then it sounds like he has a very dominant type of personality, dealing with such people is hard. If it affects your love for him and harms YOUR KIDS then I would definitely get out if there. I am the son of a single mother.

As much as I love my father, he couldn’t support us. While it sounds a little different for you, he definitely seems to see this as a sort of competition. TLDR Give him an ultimatum and stand behind it. If you *really* aren’t happy with being with him, understand that you don’t have to be.

allstarfart −  I wish I could offer you advice but I got nothing. If he won’t talk about it and won’t stop treating you poorly there’s very little to be said. Please consider the affects of this environment on your children.

Excellent_Plastic −  The problem is, I don’t want my marriage to be over… I just want things to go back to where they were a year ago. Things will never be like they were a year ago…and that’s okay. What you want is to have good feelings about your marriage and your new self and that is entirely possible — if he wants it.

It probably won’t happen without some counseling though so that’s where your focus should be with your husband. If you can’t stand up to him when he’s ranting, sit down and write him a letter. Tell him what you want and that you don’t think the two of you can get there without help. If he refuses to try though, you may end up having to get out of your marriage to save yourself.

druluna −  It sounds like he doesn’t know how to deal with the changing dynamic. He does need to see a counselor that can help him sort through his own feelings. Sorry your going through this hope he can admit he has a problem and is willing to take steps to fix it

Nihilophile −  How analytical is your husband? Does he believe in rules/principles? Is he willing to come up with a shared definition of “equitable,” regardless of what he wants? Of course this is the kind of conversation that a good counselor would help you have, but depending on his personality/self-awareness/self-control,

you could begin to have this conversation at a time where you are not having an immediate disagreement and lay down some barriers to the yelling and silent treatment, as well as giving you a way to respond calmly and with words he’s agreed to.

thatsjustaroommate −  He has no right to verbally abuse you. Period. Full stop. Since that’s already happening, it means serious resentment that probably can’t be overcome. You should get a lawyer. But, and I’m going to get flamed for even pointing this out, you said you’re home most nights, then went on to describe 5 nights with only one at home.

I know it was only one night “out” and the others were work and volunteering, but this is a lot different than being home every night. I just don’t think you guys are compatible anymore. You need someone that either has a lot of their hobbies or is ok being alone a lot.

He needs someone that really loves the Netflix and chill home lifestyle and doesn’t work nights. I think he’s been a horrible j**k but it’s ok imo for him to be unhappy with the changes you made unilaterally to your lifestyle,

maybe if he had communicated his needs and tried to find a better compromise before the resentment kicked in you’d have some way to move forward, but I don’t see it now. Hope that helps, sorry for what you’re going through.

relmamanick −  Would he be open to marital counseling? He’s taking out his insecurities on you and they needs to stop.

Katie-MacDonut −  I think your marriage to your husband *will be over if he refuses to attend therapy with you to figure it out. I really liked the previous comment suggesting that you focus on the fact that the *marriage needs help – rather than finger pointing.

It’s 100% clear that the situation as it is, is untenable. Something needs to give – or divorce is going to be the only option. How he’s feeling is pretty darn normal, but how he’s behaving and treating you? That’s not ok. I hate to advocate an ultimatum, but if he doesn’t get some help, I don’t foresee you staying around to take the abuse much longer.