AITAH for not wanting my wife and mother-in-law to keep reminding me to “keep my voice down” before every family gathering?

A Redditor is struggling with repeated reminders from their wife and mother-in-law to “keep their voice down” before every family gathering. These comments, aimed at accommodating their father-in-law’s migraines, make them feel singled out and unwelcome, especially since they’ve worked hard to engage with a family where they once felt like an outsider. While they understand the concern, the constant warnings before each event have left them dreading family gatherings. Read the full story below to see if they’re overreacting or if their feelings are justified.

‘ AITAH for not wanting my wife and mother-in-law to keep reminding me to “keep my voice down” before every family gathering?’

I (45M) don’t have living parents, so all family gatherings are with my wife’s (36F) family. Early on, I often felt like an outsider at these events. Her father made it clear he didn’t think I was “good enough for his daughter,” and her mother and I had a strained relationship due to our differing religious beliefs (I’m an atheist; she’s a devoted Christian). This dynamic left me mostly quiet and withdrawn during gatherings for years.

Then, a few years ago, something shifted. At a Thanksgiving dinner, I finally felt like part of the family. I’d had 2-3 glasses of wine, loosened up, and participated—laughing, joking, and engaging with everyone. For the first time, I left feeling like I belonged.

But that feeling didn’t last. On the way to Christmas dinner that same year, my wife gave me a talk in the car about “keeping my voice down,” citing her father’s migraines. She said I’d been too loud at Thanksgiving. While I know I can get enthusiastic and my volume rises when I’m excited, her comment caught me off guard and deflated me. Then, while we were still on the road, I got a text from my mother-in-law with the same message: “Please be quieter this time.” It felt like they’d teamed up to police my behavior.

To be fair, they weren’t entirely wrong—I can be loud when I’m excited—but this was the second time in ten minutes I was being told to “tone it down.” Instead of feeling welcome, I felt rejected and embarrassed. It shattered the enthusiasm I’d finally found with her family, and sure enough, I was sullen and withdrawn that Christmas. I felt like “the outsider” all over again.

Since then, this has become a pattern. Before every gathering—whether at their house, a restaurant (even loud ones), or other events—I get reminders from both my wife and mother-in-law to keep my voice down. And every time, it crushes my desire to participate. It’s hard not to see it as them prioritizing her father’s comfort over my feeling of inclusion. The constant reminders make me feel like I’m an embarrassment to them.

I know I’m taking this personally, but it’s hard not to. I don’t need the reminders anymore—I’m well aware of the issue by now—but their repeated warnings only deepen the wedge I feel between me and the family. This morning, my wife reminded me again to “keep it down” at tonight’s Christmas dinner. I’m already dreading the text I expect to get from my mother-in-law later today. I can’t help but feel resentful, like they’ve conditioned me to avoid engaging entirely.

So… AITAH? Am I being too sensitive about a legitimate health concern for my father-in-law, or are they overstepping by handling this in a way that guarantees I’ll never feel fully comfortable around them again?

Check out how the community responded:

ELShaw1112 −  Simply tell them both that you got the message the first time and they do not need to constantly remind you. The reasoning of it is BS as if her Dad has a migraine at every get together. You are not wrong but I would suggest simply monitoring your tone and if you don’t feel like going or don’t feel welcome DON’T GO. The fact that your wife does nothing to include you is very telling as well but that’s a subject for another post.

RevolutionaryDiet686 −  Tell your wife to go on her own. Celebrate at home and be as damn loud as want.

malnek −  NTA. Why do you keep going to these things? You only live once, spend time were you feel welcome.

Low-Act8667 −  As a fellow loud talker I feel this. I have to police myself at work, in social situations, etc. It’s hard when it comes from someone else…especially when they seem to be ganging up on you. Tell your wife it hurt you. But, as an adult who is self-aware, you do have to watch yourself in the presence of others if you want to.

BlossomingPosy17 −  Info – OP, has your father-in-law ever asked you to lower your volume? Because, he’s the one with the actual medical concern that is supposedly impacted by your volume. And if he hasn’t said anything to you, I would ask him about it directly.

You’re taking it personally, because it’s personal! It’s your volume. And, I don’t think I would be attending an event again, after being scolded like a child. I might also have a private conversation with my wife, asking her what is prompting her to tell you to be quieter.

Does her father complain about you, to her? Is he complaining to his wife, who then complains to her daughter/ your wife? Because, for two people to tell you the same thing within minutes of each other, feels a lot like triangulation.

Carlos-Bukowski −  I’m gonna be the odd man out here. Don’t down vote me too much.. I have a brother in law like this. He can’t tell the difference between his inside voice and his outside voice. He just talks too loud. He can’t or won’t regulate his volume. Especially after he has a few drinks. Sitting next to him at dinner is almost unbearable.

I can only take him in 20 min increments. I’ve had to say to him “dude I’m right here, I’m not across the room or across a field”. I dread sitting near him anytime we get together. It’s a matter of just being self aware. Do you think you are too loud? If more than those two people think you’re too loud, you probably are.

farsauce15 −  My wife is super loud, and I would be really mindful in how I give this type of feedback, which at this point sounds like unnecessary criticism. They need to do a better job to make you feel included or you go where you do feel included.

RegalCorgi86 −  NTA. You are not being oversensitive. Your wife’s family is being ridiculous with the constant reminders. I too am a loud person and I try my best to keep my voice down but I don’t always stick to it in the heat of the moment. However, having the same people remind you over and over isn’t helping.

TestDZnutz −  I mean there are people that get loud AF at the table. It’s gd painful to sit next to them. You can engage with people at reasonable volume? I have a cousin with this issue and it’s nothing deeper than this hurts my ears.

SignificantNumber997 −  I have a question for you. Have you had a hearing test? This is definitely a sign of hearing loss. Please get your hearing tested.